I feel a little stuck in this limbo state. I left home 77 days ago, AH has been sober 30 days. Our marriage was full of verbal abuse (when drunk) and alot of control. I never felt likeI could have friends etc. 

Now that he is sober, i would like to get to know him again...test the waters so to speak. I realize that we will probably both fall back into our old patterns. ICK. I have moved about 30 miles away. I go to church, have a part time job, and go to my meeting near my new home. All of these things are about an hours drive from OUR home. The other day I spoke to him and he told me that he would never ask me not to go to church or to my meetings...that we would have to talk about my job. I suggested that I could probably work after or before my meetings or church so as not to waste gas etc. 

I had commented to a friend of mine that I try very hard not to feel like I need his "permission" to do things, but that it is a lot easier to commit to these things in my head when I have his blessing. So I am certainly still struggling with doing things for MYSELF, and I suppose that I struggle with standing up for myself in appropriate ways. Meaning I don't really know how to stick up for myself other than to just dig my heels in.Usually that is because he is a bully and can manipulate me into agreeing with him.

We spoke today and he mentioned how he hated the town I live in (I know he hates it because this is where he spent his nights out at strip clubs and bars and met drug dealers in the hood). I adore the town I live in, it has culture, museums, history. My church friends are wonderful. I told him that *I* don't go to bad places. And he mentioned that it was too far of a drive for me to be going to it all the time (when I move home). period. And yes he used the word "period". 

So now I am ..well probably right where I need to be... how important is it to me to keep my new identity in these new things....how important is it that I stand up to him regardless of how important these new things are to me. Am I willing for this to be a constant lifelong battle of mine. To constantly fight for things..to fight against him. Or am I getting ahead of myself. yes. one day at a time. 

He is a pretty bright guy. Pretty emotionally available. He encourages me to talk to him about my fears etc. How helpful would it be to just tell him all this flat out. I have told him repeatedly that I lost myself. Should I just tell him that when he makes decisions for me that affect *my* life that he takes my voice away, my identity.  

Any advice would be appreciated.  

 

30 days sober wold not be enough for me...

He is just in beginning..His body isn't even "right" yet, being dry that long  ..

but waht about you????  how long meetings???  how many??  meetings and step work is crucial to finding yourself..... are you working the steps w/a sponsor to get to know you?????  you have only been gone for 77 days...Dont' you want more time getting to know you and what you want and what is good for you????

I know..its tempting...been there and done that...U mentioned abuse....what if you go home to him and he begins drinking again???   All that 77 days of work, changing, helping yourslf,  new church, etc. is gone....

why not give it time???  is he in AA working a stringent program???  has he a sponsor an working the steps?????  

IF it is right to get back together, TIME and only time will confirm that....why rush???   sometimes letting go is the best proof that a person, place or thing is really meant for me to have.....

I wold WAIT....a LONG time b4 I tried again, after I worked a LOT on me......U got out for a reason....what sustained "good fruit" has he shown???  

I can't tell you what to do....its not my right....but if it were me??? I would WAIT....and I would be working on me big time...sponsor, meetings,  step work....let him do his life......

From Grateful............If I heard the words "it is too far of a drive for me...(when I go home) period," I would stop sharing all my thoughts and feelings with him. I wouldn't trust that I could be in relationship to him in a healthy way and I wouldn't want to spend time trying to negotiate with him or fighting for my independence from him. I spent a lot of my time being bullied many years ago and standing up for myself with bullies. Those are power and control issues I just don't want to involve myself in again. And it took me awhile to get there. Keeping on doing what felt good to me and limiting exposure to what didn't feel good to me helped. 

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OMG, I just re-read your post and how did this get by me???  WOW....I am getting the same message.....like "too far of a drive for me (when I go home, period"   that "period"  sends up red flags to me huge.......and yea, after reading your post again, it sounds to me like u would be "negotiating" your life w/him again.......I, too was bullied...negotiating and losing.....Program has taught me my needs and righteous rights are NON negotiable......what is right for me is NOT up for negotiation....either we are on same page (me and partner)  or ANY relationship for that matter....either we are on same page or we are not.....I don't negotiate my Fair and reasonable needs......I agree with what Grateful is saying here.....like my daugher #2,  I have been like a broken record about her....its time for me to limit exposure to her BIG time and give it over to HP...work my program and distance myself from folks who are not a joy and positive to me....No matter WHO they are...life is just too short......JUST my take...Please use what u can and leave the rest

There is an issue that needs to be considered right there. You did the 77 days apart and your building a life.

What is his compromise and will he stay sober and you said you don't know if he is in a recovery program.

Don't forget to build boundaries if you decide to go home and yes I agree with taking your time. You can make up your mind to go and what is the body doing, is it following?

Susie - I'm not here to give you advice but share what I know about alcoholism and folks in early sobriety and also my challenges in relationships with alcoholics -

In this case, I just wanted to share with you what I know about how alcoholics are at 30 days sober.

Scared crapless, clingy, and emotionally crippled would be how I would describe it from going through it and watching countless others. Rather than face the thought of him gaining coping skills to manage a household, keep it clean, pay the bills and grow into a fully functioning person all on his own, he would rather suck you back in so he doesn't have to grow and change in ways that make him uncomfortable. Similarly, this might seem okay to you in some ways cuz if you just went back, then you wouldn't have to change in some ways that make you uncomfortable.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I needed like a year or two of living on my own to be able to not hold someone hostage in a relationship. When I needed somebody to do my laundry, organize my life and be my full time cheerleader, that was keeping them prisoner and not loving them fully. It was also limiting my own functioning and keeping me sick. I figured I had a safety net in that other person so I could drink and screw up cuz after all - I was only really responsible for having a job right? WRONG.

Yes, relationships do involve compromise, but when you have 2 healthy people that can function on their own, the compromises are born out of choice and not pathological neediness. A person with 30 days sober is not emotionally available. They are still very sick and learning how to live life on life's terms. Making any type of demands on anyone else after having abused their trust for decades shows how emotionally retarded and insensitive the person is. The manipulations and attempts to control are retarded and bullying ways of communicating "I am scared of losing you and I am scared I can't do things on my own." Those were the REAL fears I had when I was getting sober but instead of being emotionally mature and saying that, I threw out a lot of noise and BS about what I thought I needed OTHER people to do and be. He may get to a point of emotional maturity but he's not there yet.

Him focusing on what you "can and can't do" is really just a very childish and manipulative way of him dodging what he HAS TO DO if he wants to really grow and recover. I feel strongly about it cuz I know I didn't know my head from my arse at 30 days sober but I would be bossy and try and convince others that I did know stuff. If I knew so much about what was good for other people, how come my life fell apart and I couldn't stop drinking? I needed to focus on me and getting better for a good while.

So I'm just cautioning you susie - you still have 2 entities you are dealing with here. Your husband and his disease. I do believe it's his disease that is trying to control you so he doesn't have to focus on himself. Be wary.

 

 

 

 

Aloha Susie.  It is soooo good to hear that you are doing better and by yourself at that.  You've made many changes including distance and meetings and inspecting boundaries and putting them in place.  This is how it works and how you newly feel is the consequences of these changes.   Very Good. As you can see those who have responded to your post are very supportive with suggestions of patience, open mindedness, trust your experiences and their ESH about the disease from inside of it.  We know now that we know...and now we will do something different than what we use to do because we want different outcomes.

I've read your post and all of theirs...I relate to it all.  I separated from my alcoholic/addict wife 5 times and each time we reunited we quickly went back to "normal" which was screwed up...the insanity we speak of in program and the second step.

We use to talk about what qualifies the alcoholic and ourselves to consider what "sober" is and side by side with "sober isn't only about not drinking" was the question "How long had the alcoholic drank before stopping and how does the dry time compare".   In other words if he has 30 days dry and had been drinking for 20 years he wasn't even close to being sober.

We spoke about how when the disease kicks in the alcoholic stops growing..mentally, emotionally, spiritually and so what kind of negotiator will you be negotiating with?  He will bring testosterone and adrenalin with power and control, self centeredness and unwillingness to change beyond words to the table.  You're not negotiating...you're wasting valuable growth time. 

The only compromise I ever made with my addict (first wife) and then my alcoholic/addict (second/wife) was how much more of the insanity I would take on because they were gonna do what they were gonna do.

Enablers in the disease compromise.  That is what we do and we do more of it and better of it than the alcoholic/addict does or knows how to...what do you hope to change?  You've made changes for your self being away from him...that is the result you are looking for and practicing over and over what you've been doing gets you better, healthier, safer, more self determined.  

I am a double...meaning I share both programs as Pinkchip does.  In AA here we often talk about the first 2 years not drinking, getting the Blue Book and reading it with a sponsor and working the steps continually having a unbreakable relationship with a power much more greater than ourselves.  We speak of the first through inventory starting at step 4 and then the exposure of our defects to another person and God and asking God to remove them all.  We speak about going to the people we have harmed and hurt in what ever fashion during the drinking years and making amends for the harm...not just doing an apology but making right what was made wrong and we continue to do that daily in step 10.  We talk about daily prayer and meditation in such a form that it seems like a substitute for how it was that we drank and in fact it is as replace the desire to drink compulsively for the practice of compulsive ongoing prayer in gratitude for our sobriety and for others...alcoholics and not.  We speak at arriving at the point where we after having a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, traditions, slogans, sponsorship mentoring and the big book of AA and our steady relationship with God..we reach out to another struggling alcoholic and attempt to give what we have away to them for nothing other than the confirmation that what we have come to understand and practice works when we work it.  Here is our definition of sober and it sounds like you are closer to that than he is.   I suggest you take your time and relax and continue doing what you have been doing rather than jeapordize it un-rationally.

Even with my sponsees...I do not compromise my recovery.  The loss could be fatal.

Keep doing what you're doing...It's working.   ((((hugs))))