The longer I'm out of my last relationship of 12 to 13 years .. the more I'm able to see clearer .. It was so Emotionally toxic .. for us both really in spite of the fact this person was a drug addict .. all I really did was reinforce behaviors he uses to forget in the first place .. at least one of the reasons my way of helping never helped .. I never could understand the situation the way hp can.

I'm cleaning up my own past and as I look at the picture clearer, I'm embarrassed.  This person I spent so many years with was never really in love with me. I was so obsessed with him.  Basically, I was calling obsession love.  I think we were Both powerless to walk away for so many years and the more we were together, the more we invested in certain types of things that also kept us together.  What embarrasses me is my own lack of self worth that wanted so much to believe this person loved me, cared for me in the same way I cared for him. The part of me that was so needy I was wiling to take whatever pieces of scraps he gave me.  Of course I believed everything he told me, and he made it very easy to enable me at times from having to get honest.  What is Really humiliating is I've heard addicts target allies and enemies against each other. I had no idea that also meant when they leave they will distort the truth to Everyone they come in contact with so They look ok and can literally survive .. So Many lies about me that others believed.

I know the relationship has served its purpose but wow I see how it is so much harder to let go of the illusion.  He's been gone now two years, but the illusion Still lingers from time to time and although I don't obsess nearly as often, I can see I still do.  I call it missing him now.  I think the obsession lingers because there is still pain in its own process of healing.  I need to be patient with myself and allow myself to be honest with me. I also need to meditate and pray for acceptance of Gods will .. It is So hard some days.  What I have in my life right now Is Gods will; what I want is Mine .. What I'm seeing is How darn difficult it is sometimes to Not get My way .. Rather than just accept where I am, I struggle with where I could be. How Unrealistic it is for me to fantasize Even at all Still that just maybe somewhere in the near future God will completely heal the addict and just Zap clear thinking into Him Along with this Instant desire in Him to Suddenly make things about Love and not about addiction ..

As much as I hate to put this out here, really this is just me Once again Joining the Human Race and Admitting just how powerless I truly am ... I am Still in the process of changing my perception of the past which I don't see as Bad and yet I am also in the process of asking God to deliver me from the bondage of self and move me forward in my thinking to the present which is where I am 'supposed to be 'living .. thanks for letting me share.

Thanks to you both. Bettina it's sad when I stop to think, yes that was exactly what I was calling life, the remnants of the storm. and the idea of seeking the ''truth''. I love the saying the truth will set us free. Used to mean about everything sort of out there in situations, etc.. to me. Today it's meaning has changed to when I see the truth about what I'm doing, even its painful, my freedom will come a little more each time. Setting us free from delusions and illusions. thanks for the shares and the hugs of support. we would be so lost without the loving support of our fellowship and the wisdom of every member through hp.

Yes, it's a bible verse and I guess so true. There must be something to that .. a little like what we pray for with others, we sometimes find for ourselves too. All my seeking these things for the addict; go figure; I keep finding them for myself .. kinda funny .. I love the wisdom too .. hugs

Thanks so much, ((( Nesherna ))) I have to smile at the newcomer who came to our meeting and said, I mean, we're not idiots, we're here right ?? I still carry that with me .. Needed the reminder of Growth; just a whole lot of growing pains. I never really knew before alanon what those even meant. I am so grateful and blessed for all of you and Grateful just the same I'm finally recognizing and feeling them .. grateful for the loving support that enables me to share and move forward .. one thing I'm seeing is we never really stay stuck .. we are constantly learning in these rooms and in face to face ..