Who Am I - Attitudes and Personality Traits - Al-Anon Family Group

Green-Eyed-Leopardes · Newbie

Who Am I - Attitudes and Personality Traits

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Green Eyed L

I think that working the 4 Th Step helped me discover the many faces of Betty as well. Thank you for your honesty and clarity You are right continuing to work this program and the Steps helped me to become congruent and to merge these different aspects of myself into a more healthy person who has the courage, serenity and wisdom to live one day at a time

Keep on working You are a Miracle in Progress

Green-Eyed-Leopardes · Newbie

Thank you so much for your encouragement! biggrin

tortuga · Senior Member

Thank you for sharing this Green EyedL.
putting this into words helped me seeing more clearly in my own 4th step. I am , much same to you, a person with several traits and attitudes...and I think that counts for most of the people...as you say, depending who we interact with. The reason for that is that we are all connected, nobody can live completely isolated. and so it happens that some people have the capacity to bring out the good and the bad or the bad in us. with me as a co-dependent it can be a problem, because I react very much on the attitudes of those around me, instead of trying to be more protective of my own genuine attitude. That is something i still have to solidify and work on, being my own, no matter what attitude is raging around me....that counts for good and for bad.
Focusing on myself is important right now, and not becoming a chameleon as you describe.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
in support.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the way you put that, Betty .. the many faces of Betty. have only ever heard that as the many faces of 'alcoholism .. I used to Hate the glass half empty or positive thought .. I was Always an Empty glass viewer .. that is until I realized I'm the glass and that after having come into alanon 'I am no longer empty .. I am at least Half full now .. The 4th step is So much work but would have to say that and the 5th really are my favorite steps .. so much healing ..

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm a reserved person until I get to know somebody in a public setting. That reservation can be seen as a mask that I wear. That mask is there for a good reason. I am going to protect my true nature from those who can be harmful to me. It's when I use that reserved mask in situations to manipulate or leave a false impression with somebody that it is a problem for me and for others. Checking my motives helps me determine if I'm acting in a healthy manner or if I'm operating from a desire to control another person. I notice that the only persons who try to pull that mask away are persons who are not good for me. Example: I belonged to a group once that involved a lot of sharing and caring. I trusted myself little by little to people as I got to know them better. One gal seemed impatient with how little I shared about myself with her. She'd make fun of me and ask me if I knew how it felt to "share your gut with somebody" and although they were supportive, "they'd share very little of themselves with you?"

I still did what I believed I needed to do to take care of me. I shared only a little about myself a little at a time with people I got to know better in the group. The gal continued to be at me and I continued to share what I felt safe sharing. Fast forward about 1 year. The gal who had continued to try to tear my reserved mask away was discovered to have been lying about herself and her circumstances for a long time. She had been milking money and sympathy from those in our group who would give it to her. She was asked to leave our group and to repay those she had stolen money from by lying about herself and her situations. She had been charming, witty, full of life, apparently supportive of individuals in our group and everything she had told us was a lie.

The people I did trust -well, I think they wished I'd just keep quiet after awhile. biggrin

My reserved mask worked to protect me from what I couldn't put my finger on at the time and later the more was revealed about her and her psychopathy. She fooled almost an entire group of people for a long time. My interior self was warning me and I paid attention. I just had no head knowledge about her - no facts to go on - until later.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 2nd of September 2013 09:24:19 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG...a post to laugh with and dance to...Mahalo Green eyed lepoardes for the open door to my past which I wish not to close...ever. I've done 6 ever more fearless, searching and sometimes moral and other time characterological like your doing now. I remember being ambivilant and about my ambililance also and then discovering that for members like by self born and raised in the disease of alcoholism it was normal never to really know who I was. I was too reactive to change and the term chameleon fit me also except that I was always changing within a change. I've been a therapist to recovery and sitting in rooms of up to 80 individuals at a time...fahers, mothers, grands, aunt, uncles and adolescents while they all acted out different personalities and characters in front of me and each other was like a family get together. A cast of characters and I came to understand the many variations I went thru to find one that would be accepted for just some period of time...short of a bit longer. We literally don't know who we are and the grace in that is finding out; like you are now, it is temporary. At the end of the search we come to know....ourselves. I am a diagnosed multiple personality and manifested two definite different personalities until I got into the 4th step journey. I needed both of the personalities and attached occasions other characters to survive. It is necessary to survive while we are learning how to stay alive and sane at the same time. I've had the pleasure of going one on one with my Higher Power who actually set me up for a conference in front of a mirror in the public mens room where I worked. HP asked me while I was "doing my thing" "So who are you". I thought some one else was in the room and after discovery determined that it was HP. After mentioning that I thought the place was weird to do the discussion I discovered I was looking at myself in the mirror and the question was appropriate and timely. I responded "Okay...who am I"? and I then was asked, "Are you Jerry with a J or Gerry with a G"...both of me. I took the convention as a time to make a decision about who I was. Jerry was the name given to me at birth and Gerry was a connived personality of (higher) power and force and ego and pride, self centeredness and narcissism. I didn't get that all out of one convention with HP...I've done 6 of those 4th step thingies. What happened was I thought I was getting permission to be Jerry with a J again and I was elated and left the mens room laughing and happy and elated...for about 20 feet and then I broke down in sadness and deep remose and bitter tears because I had worked so hard at Gerry I had forgotten and/or didn't know who Jerry was. My sponsorship and counselors worked hard with me at untangling that mystery. I had lived my entire life inside of my skin and didn't know who I was.

You are doing good and necessary work and I encourage you to take your time and go after the "who am I". It is sooo important to living life simply and away from the interruptions of the "other" guys who want control of your who. It is a big part of the miracle of recovery. You no longer question...you know and know that you know and the person you discover...you like and...you love unconditionally. Go slow...you're in for a miracle.

I was given a metaphor by an Al-Anon elder which I hold onto still today years later. "The object of the inventory is to arrive at a place where you are like a fine, hand crafted, German, Grandfather clock which keep perfect time and the pendelum swings very gently just an inch or so off of dead center". It doesn't swing wildly up to the left and then back to the right. It travels a smooth short distance and is balanced. I love balance.

Take your time. I''m gonna listen for the responses from the rest of the family who have done this 4th 5th 6th and 7th journey.

Please keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Green Eyed Leopardess - what a great question to post and I love your wonderful description of all the different traits that colour our personalities. I think that I can honestly say that I have the same palette to paint with!

In my own confusion, and depending on which role I'm in I tend to think about the following (all different, but all pretty natural):

When I'm trying to objectively understand i.e. bringing my logical 'professional' brain to the fore - I can see lots of myself in what I've learnt about transactional analysis. This is a programme that looks at how people behave when they feel threatened or in 'victim' mode. Not in the sense of kidnap victim or anything, just the different ways folk strike back if someone pushes their buttons and they forget to be mindful about what they are reacting to. It helps me to look at my own behaviour and it sometimes helps when I'm coping with the outlandish behaviour of AH as well. Its awfully sensible, and I'll put that thinking in the clever lady box!

After I've been sparking like a fuse getting closer and closer to a stick of dynamite and I need to forgive myself I think about some of those fabulous hot headed film stars - like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or Ava Gardner in Night of the Iguana. What powerful, vibrant (and difficult) women they were

I loved them in those movies and it helps me to think more kindly about myself to think of them (the fact that both film characters usually had a glass of scotch in their hand helps to remind me that this behaviour might not have much to recommend it at the end of the day - but it certainly was a powerful and strangely attractive facet of some truly tremendous ladies and they can make me smile!)

And the meek, confused me? Strangely that is probably the part of my character that I struggle the most to take care of and it is a gift to have found myself in a place where she needs my attention. Because I think that little girl has treasures to impart - the gift of being vulnerable and finding safety; the gift of learning that she can stand on her own two feet, she doesn't have to feel sorry for herself but if she does, I can give her a hug and tell her that it will be alright. There are probably lots of other things that I am only just beginning to discover as well. I'm a 53 year old woman and yet I often feel like I did when I was a child - it almost feels as if I have been given another life and I'm exploring some different approaches. I think that this meek me might well be teaching my logical self the value of protecting my own boundaries - who would have thought that clever objective lady had anything left to learn!!! So I say thank you to the fragile lady when she feels vulnerable.

I count myself very lucky to be a woman because I think that word includes all of the above and I think that we are fortunate to have the power to admit to it. Thank you so much for empowering me to think about these things. Wishing you a great day

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All of us have different versions of ourselves that we put forth depending on the setting and the group of people. Yes, I act different at work than I do around my friends. Fortunately, the disparity has gotten less and I am more transparent in recovery now. BUT - I did want to share that it's normal to have different selves that we put forth in the world. Everyone does this and it's not like we all have Multiple Personality Disorder (now termed Dissociative Identity Disorder). Over the course of living with an addict your "versions of self" become further apart because of several reasons - 1. Feeling like you have a double life - disaster at home and having to hide it elsewhere. 2. Trying all these different tactics to influence the A or not upset the A. 3. So much focus on the A that you lose sight of your authentic self.

So I get how important it is to be authentic and feel authentic, but also to remember that social skills involve bringing out a repertoire of "ways to act" depending on the situation and that is okay too.

hope4ever · Member

I am not sure if this would be something you are interested in but it really helped me understand myself SO much and I have learned about myself a lot and others too (especially my hubby and kids). It's called Dressing your Truth and there are 4 energy types of people. I found out I lead with one energy types and the rest support me. I am a Type 2 soft and subtle person.
Type 1 bright and animated
Type 2 soft and subtle
type 3 Rich and dynamic
Type 4 bold and striking

Yes, it has to do with dressing and colors but for me it was WAY more internally healing to understand myself. I have healed a lot of my childhood pain from this information. If you look up dressingyourtruth.com you will find more info about it. I also started off with the book It's just My nature by Carol Tuttle and you can find that on amazon.

I just thought I would throw it out there just in case it resonated with you.
Hugs!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I too can be "all of the above" as far as both positive and negative traits go. Where I am now is striving to most often be who I want to be in any given situation. I try not to put myself in situations where the screaming meamie comes out because I DON'T LIKE HER! I get my rest, or if I don't, I alter my day to not over stress my tired self because screaming M is more likely to come out to play when I'm tired. I don't like me when I'm acting certain ways and conversely, I love me when I'm the best me I can be.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you for your post Green eyed leopardess. I am new to al-anon. My AH has been sober 30 days today, I left home 77 days ago tomorrow. I have lost who I am. I am not sure If I ever really knew. I too, felt like I had different personalities or traits that came out at different times. I was never really sure who I was, and I suppose I perhaps never liked myself because I was so confused. I liked to take a back seat to my surroundings..going along with everyone else's plan. I was happy to do so because I never really particularly had much of an opinion. I now think that I let that "person" get walked all over, not realizing it at the time (because I was just as happy to do what AH wanted) and then I ended up in denial...and ignored my gut. I am now trying my best to work the program, going to Alanon as well as CoDa meetings.

I believe I would benefit from some tools or workbooks to help me identify my different traits (since I have such a hard time coming up with or identifying them myself).

Can you tell me what book or tool you are using?

Thank you

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