The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been some time since I've been here. I have been working hard on my own recovery, and have come a long way. I decided I was finally able to begin to date, and pursue a relationship after two years of being single. I met a man, who seems to be very nice, sincere, honest and humble. We spent the day together talking and getting to know one another. Not too long into our conversation, he told me some personal details of his life...the first was that he has been sober for 13 months. He had had 12yrs clean and sober prior to a relapse. His drug of choice is heroin. I had a hell of a ride with my ABF, and have gotten peace and serenity back into my life. I enjoyed meeting this man, and we share a lot of the same values, opinions and interests. I feel like we could grow into a relationship over time. I have my red flags, of course, but I also have hope, as well. There is addiction all around us, and finding some one who has not, is not, or knows some one who is struggling with addiction is like finding a needle in a haystack. I was wondering if there are any of you who may have or are in the same circumstance as myself?
Finally living in peace,
liljeannie
-- Edited by liljeannie on Sunday 1st of September 2013 06:47:40 PM
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
There was a time in my life when I was drawn to men who had or were recovering from addictions. As I grew older and continued to progress in recovery, I was no longer attracted to men with or without an active addiction problem. Although I'm no longer in a relationship, I spent my energies differently, I can say that only men who have not been affected by this disease would or do appeal to me as men I'd be interested in as a potential life partner or SO. My red flags have turned into knowledge that I don't do well in these kinds of relationships and won't do well. But that's me. I do have men friends who have had addiction problems and have been sober and drug free or alcohol free for many years. But, should they begin active use again, I would detach completely from their lives. Too much drama for me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of September 2013 07:50:06 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of September 2013 07:51:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of September 2013 09:08:55 PM
One thing you know about this man is that he can relapse even after twelve years of sobriety.
What I've noticed is that people who get into codependent relationships are people who (like me) fail to heed red flags. We tell ourselves, "I bet it will be okay" or "Here is a man who needs my sympathy and support!" or "Men are so hard to find, I'll stick with this one who has many of the things I like, despite the red flags, because I bet no one else suitable will come down the road."
All I can say is that I wish I had heeded the red flags early on, while it was still comparatively easy to get out of the relationship.
Aloha Liljeannie...welcome back to the board. In relationship with others in my life...regadless of their back grounds I have to remember my past...where I came from, how and what did I do, what was my part in it. I'm married to a woman I met in program and we have just recently celebrated 19 years of marriage. The marriage has outlasted the two other marriages I have had in the past and at times this spouse has said to me in response to something I've had as part of who I am..."I didn't sign up for this". In the past I have also taken the opportunity to say to her, "Sometimes the loneliest place in my life is standing next to you". These are not warnings they are statements of personal perception made to someone we share our life with. I manage my own life. I have a Higher Power who is greater than any one or things else in my life (I still am not perfect though), I have a program and a sponsor and all of the tools every other member in our fellowship have and I have my wife. I love her and I like having her in my life and ...I don't need her. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
After many years of being with the A, now being without him for 7 years I am very cautious and careful about my relationships. I don't fear being in a relationship with another A, because I have this program , which has given me strength, wisdom and self reliance. I would not enter a relationship with another A, or recovering A, drug addict or any other kind of addict.
I enjoy being with myself. I enjoy my own company. If another relationship comes along and it has the right criteria , I might go for it or I might not. I certainly would take my time. Friendships are always good.
I love that Carly Simon song, its an oldie but goodie, "I haven't got time for the pain". " I haven't the need for the pain." Take Care and take your time..there is no rush.
I think, after posting here, and reading your replies....the message is clear. I wouldn't have come here looking for some wisdom and experience if there weren't any doubts in my mind. I am stronger than I have been, but know that I need to be stronger. I think, deep down, I know it's not a good idea to become involved with this man. I had thought, briefly, that perhaps this man came into my life to be the miracle that I was waiting for to happen with my former ABF. That my ABF was the prelude to being able to cope in a relationship with an actual RECOVERING addict. I suppose we tell ourselves what we want to hear at times. The fact that he was honest and up front about it was one of the things that I found attractive about him. Honesty is my number one priority. His honesty isn't enough to keep him from relapse, though, and Bettina, you are right..."I haven't got time for the pain". I guess my red flags are flying high and with good reason! I believe I shall move on.
Finally living in peace,
liljeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
I have my red flags, of course, but I also have hope, as well. There is addiction all around us, and finding some one who has not, is not, or knows some one who is struggling with addiction is like finding a needle in a haystack. I was wondering if there are any of you who may have or are in the same circumstance as myself?
Finally living in peace,
liljeannie
-- Edited by liljeannie on Sunday 1st of September 2013 06:47:40 PM
when I worked the steps w/my sponsor, the first , say, three go arounds on step 4, I figured out why I kept attracting guys w/for me, it was always drinking issues......after getting to know me and working my program and really getting self discovery under my belt , I no longer attract guys with substance abuse problems......Your new friend is one slip away from relapse....drug addiction is the hardest to get rid of....my niece can tell ya all about how long she would be clean , only to relapse.....anyway, I am not here to tell U what to do....just my experience....I don't attract these people anymore , maybe it is b/c program has changed me so much
Just curious...How many times have to gotten into step 4 to get to know you??? Do you go regulary to meetings????
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think everyone does deserve the chance to prove themselves worthy of our esteem. Nothing wrong with taking things really slowly and establishing friendship that could turn into more should enough time and trust develop between the two of you. If I ever delve into that realm again (I'm three years completely alone now) it will be with someone who I can successfully discuss Al-anon, the 12 steps, co-dependency, etc.; someone who will strive to understand my hurts and past and lessons learned; he will be someone who is not afraid to speak of his demons so they don't destroy from within; we will be able to discuss red flags to a satisfactory conclusion for both parties involved. I sincerely believe that there is a lot to be learned from the 12 steps, and, they would be an awesome inclusion in any relationship counseling.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I think everyone does deserve the chance to prove themselves worthy of our esteem. Nothing wrong with taking things really slowly and establishing friendship that could turn into more should enough time and trust develop between the two of you.
I am all for 2nd chances when the percentages are in my favor.....being married to TWO drunks, showed me that I just never want to go there again...I owe that to working my program....program taught me self discovery and doing what is best for me....
This gentleman we are talking about is a recovering NA....ONE slip away from going right back to his drug...how many times did I give my NA niece a "2nd" chances only for her to turn on me, steal from her friends (I never let her but in limited areas of my home) and I would see her be clean for a year, 2 years, and in program, but she has slipped too many times.....we are speaking of a gentleman who is a recovering ADDICT....a person who could slip any day or not slip....who knows??? who wants to take that chance???? when one has been there done that enough times, it gets old.......by working my program, I take care of me...I won't ever go there again.....I will be alone rather than have to deal with that......life is just too short to make gambles that could go horribly wrong and we are in the cycle all over again........I won't tell anyone ever what to do, but I will urge PLEASE keep working the program, particularly the steps and literature...... God bless him, I hope he continues on his path to recovery, but I would not risk another addict....never again......I wish the absolute best and good program for them, but not with me.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I will stand by my opinion. I've learned enough through Al-Anon to think that giving someone who's recovery is as described, a chance to convince me to keep him in my life. But it would spark a lot of conversations - why he slipped, what kind of recovery program he is working, or is he, etc.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I let go of the fear of what "might" or "might not" happen. That's about the false evidence appearing real. I know from my experience that if my mind and body and spirit and emotions project a failure the recovering alcoholic or addict should best be away from me. That's the "what's my part in it" recovery idea. For proof...when it was the very last thing I wanted to happen for my alcoholic/addict and for our marriage and for my expectations of happiness and without intention...It was I who sent my spouse back out again for another 5 year run while she was clean and dry for longer than we had ever knows. Enablers need to know who "they" are and sometimes that is dangerous to the addicted people around us. We don't give second chances...we don't have the power to give a chance at all. We might think we can and/or will take one tho. (((((hugs))))
It's just all so confusing. Ive been working hard on myself, and don't want to jeopardize my position, on the other hand, he has also been working hard on himself as well. I know, now, after many years, that I have no control over what the addict (or anyone else for that matter) does or doesnt do. I gave up my watchdog behaviors during the last couple of years of living with my former ABF. He never got sober, never really worked a program, even after 3 visits to rehab. He didnt want it at that time. This man made the choice for himself to get clean, to work towards recovery every day and WANTS it...for now. Because isnt it always for now? Ive spent many years reminding myself that the disease of addiction is no different than any other disease. If he had diabetes or cancer, I wouldn't run, but then they wouldnt affect me in the same manner as addiction. Its a slippery slope, and I am trying to make the best possible choice for me. I know I have to be the one to make this choice, and I hate the fact that it isnt a black and white situation, there are so many shades of grey, and they are blinding!
Finally living in peace,
liljeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
