daughter did it again to me...She IS consistent, I can say that - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

daughter did it again to me...She IS consistent, I can say that

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Neshema. Good that you stuck to your own boundaries in relationship to her. You kept your expectations low without going somewhere else today before she'd had a chance to pick you up with the baby in tow for a daughter and Mom day out. You also let her know that her standing you up was unacceptable to you and turned it all over to her HP. Then, you took care of yourself some more with carrying through on a Plan B for the rest of your day. Sorry it didn't turn out optimally today for you. Glad you treated yourself to something you could enjoy without her present with you. Lots of hugs and good for yous, Neshema!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm usually ignored unless something is need now. Really tough for him though because if he does need anything I might not be there. I will just let go and pray for him. I'm seeing your doing the same thing so good for you. We can't make them participate in our lives so we will find something to give us happiness.

I hope you get that pool someday because I know how much you love the water.. :)

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Nemesha. What qualifies me now is my own Al-anonic issues and so I see that with you, too. One thing sticks out for me in your share that I want to respond to that I do think is our Al-Anonic stuff and Step 1 which we can apply to all parts of our lives. Two of my loved ones get into it with each other at times. I'd limit my sharings with each about my life because I didn't want to contribute to any possible drama between them. One day, I realized that I was as powerless over their interactions with each other as I was over alcohol. I don't deliberately share things with either of them that I know will create or inflame either one of them and their relationship, but if I'm asked a direct question, I answer it if it is about me and my experiences. I share the facts or my experience honestly. If either of them don't like what my experience or facts have been for the day and express it to me, I remind them that my relationships are mine to deal with and I appreciate their care for me and listening to my day with me.

In my family of origin, we have lots of indirect talking with each other and lots of talking around each other. Secrets abound. Then, during crisis times, family members come out of the woodwork taking each other's parts and still not resolving issues directly with each other. The last time a brother of mine was "coming out of the woodwork" about something that really wasn't his business "my relationship to another person," I asked him, "So, what is it that you are upset with me about in relationship to you? What have I done that has contributed to your anger towards me?"

That question stopped him in his tracks because he hadn't realized until that time that he was acting on heresay and it had nothing to do with him nor did he know my side of the story. He'd made a judgment on something he'd heard, never seen, never experienced and jumped into the disease with both feet. Of course, this didn't smooth things out between us - but it sure was a reminder that I was truly powerless over family members' opinion of me and/or reaction to me. Although I have seen and heard things that do distress me in relationships in my family of origin, I have to tell my "rescuing self" to be still and let things be as they are if I am not directly affected by what I see or hear and its truly not my business.

It also helped me renew my resolve to deal directly with people(and I sometimes share things with a safe person before I deal directly with another) rather than to go around them and complain to somebody else about it only to complain. I don't deny what is true for me in my experience if I'm asked by somebody close to me who is also connected in some way to the other without failing to first let the person I am in conflict with at the time how I'm feeling and why. I also try to remind myself when somebody shares something with me that I am only hearing their side of the story and it is only my place to listen and to support the speaker without condemning the person(sometimes I do the action) who may be engaged in a distressing behavior. I also won't get involved with trying to fight somebody's battle for them although I may support their healthy behaviors.

I don't do this perfectly, but I do find it helps me keep my side of the street cleaner and myself more honest about my life.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 2nd of September 2013 11:21:31 AM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
I'm usually ignored unless something is need now. Really tough for him though because if he does need anything I might not be there. I will just let go and pray for him. I'm seeing your doing the same thing so good for you. We can't make them participate in our lives so we will find something to give us happiness.

I hope you get that pool someday because I know how much you love the water.. :)

(((( hugs ))))

(((Cathy)))) Yep...I know this feeling....I am doing the same thing re: her and this passive aggression....her dad is a drunk, and I always tried my best w/ her the best I could do but can't do anymore than that......I decided last night as I was praying for her to LET GO....REALLY let this go and pray for her.........I relate to what U say here....and I too "Can't make her participate in my life".....So I must look to me to find my happiness....D#1 is the polar opposite....she treats me good...respectful.....

I must focus on the good...let go the negative......as to the pool???? dunno if I really want to have one AT MY HOUSE.....maybe I'll just stick to the pub one and leave it at that........I got that trampolene....kids used it for a while....never wanted to visit...just jump on trampolene I took their crumbs and was glad to see them...then they lose interest in trampolene and there goes visits to my house.....If I did extra work and they knew I had money?? Oh yea, they wold be over to help me spend it......if I am broke??? which has been a lot lately???? I don't see them........It really hurt to come out of denial and face the truth.....but I would rather be pain in the truth then happy in a lie......

saw a facebook post....I wold rather walk in dark w/HP, then in the light w/ lies and bad....or words to that affect......I have been in denial for so long about her and her kids, and I am coming out of it....yea, it hurts but it is necessary that I see the truth......your comment "We can't make them participate in our lives so we will find something to give us happiness. "

That comment really slammed home for me......I don't have the right to "make her participate in my life" AND I deserve not to be used........so sad for her b/c I won't be here forever and she will have all these regrets.....oh well.....I have made mistakes...even yesterday, should hae told D#1 when she got home, not over a text, but whts done is done....I am human and allowed to make a mistake....this is all to teach me I gotta take care of me....limit interactions with her....don't get involved in any of her stuff, unless it is emergency, of course, then even still,.....put limits and do what is the right thing...while I detach....

I am praying for you to have peace in this storm......Thank you for reaching out to me when U have your own pain to deal with

A brother is not taking calls.....hes on another "sebatical" with the 80 proof.....he will turn up when he is recovered enough from this latest one......DETACH DETACH DETACH....

-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 2nd of September 2013 12:25:46 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

N: After reading your response to me, it would have been better if I added - as I see you doing, too, in some of my share. In sharing my experience, I got all caught up in my memory and shared from that without adding in what I could have done and didn't as an affirmation of you. Daughter came in about the time I was finishing the first up with you and I sent it. Sorry if failing to acknowledge your assets (I had in the previous post) and strengths before I sent that out, my friend. Please forgive my oversight. I did see you feeling bad because Daughter #1 was furious with daughter #2. My share was to speak to that alone with my E/S/H and my experience with loved ones. Nothing more. As I said, I got caught up in the memory and felt safe in sharing it - in fact - sharing it out loud(on cyberspace) with anybody and probably shared more than necessary. Geez.

Thanks for listening to my share, too. Sorry if sharing beyond the powerlessness which helped me might have created some unnecessary hurt for you. It wasn't meant that way and I can see how it would have been better if I'd left my share shorter (excluding the part with my family and brother) and affirmed you, too. I can see this is a weakness of mind that I'm going to have to watch when I post.

I also hadn't seen a slip in your text. I hadn't remembered that you were going later in the day. Learning with you, sister. I guess we both can agree that we are willing to learn and grow and therefore, it isn't true that we have to get stuck in our ways. Keeps us young at heart, I'd say!!!

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 2nd of September 2013 01:44:10 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 2nd of September 2013 01:47:34 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Grateful and Cathy for your comforting words...I feel like a broken record posting about her, I would not have posted about this pain on this board b/c it does not deal with alcoholism or drugging

but I was hurt and both my co-recovery mates are gone for the weekend holiday but I am so glad that you two "qualified me" anyway and sent your love

She just does not want me unless it is to use me and I am tired of the pain.....AND, D#1 texts me from her camping trip, she wants to know how dinner when and I am soo honest about stuff, I opened my big mouth and told her what happened....Now she is furious....I wish I knew how to evade stuff at times, LOL...

Anyway, thanks , Grateful and Cathy for for taking time for me....Cathy, I DO send you comfort energy r: your latest with your son....

and Grateful, I am hoping all is going ok for you....

Those of you who have made me feel welcome here, even tho I got rid of or distanced myself from my drunks , I am so grateful...I try to come on here and give a cheer to the newbies and show them by example that program DOES and DID work for me and b/c I work it EVERYDAY, I shall be able to take care of me...

My A brother is AWOL again....I hear from him at LEAST 2x per week....NOT a word for a long time now....His benders go for about a week, then he is sick and recovering for days afterwards......It has been on my mind and I have been doing a lot of "turning it over" of late....its a holiday weekend and no funny call w/a bunch of laughter.....he is AWOL again, I know his patterns....His closest friends have my cell, so I know one day, if this isn't arrested, he will be found in his car, somewhere...Again...I am powerless over him....

Today, I am gonna enjoy the rain we may get , and not look , when I am out in the yard, NOT look to my right where her house is......sooo sad, for her even more b/c I read a post somewhere on the board, here, surfing, "I aint got time for the pain" that is how I feel....I just don't want to purchase anymore pain.....I know loving people involves some pain, but same ole same old repeat?? I can lessen that w/distance and detachment

I hold NO expectations about her so I survived yesterday's let down pretty good, but no matter what they tell you about detachment and letting go expectations, the human spirit still hurts when they mess you up.....ONly this time the hurt is different....steps help me give it over better....program helps me stay level, taking care of me...

I hadn't heard anything, no call, no nothing, no game plan, so I made myself a lovely dinner, ate it about 430 ish or so then texted her about 5ish.....THEN she begins calling me, AFTER the text.....I just did't pick up the phone....Her short VM said that she was waiting for husb. to get home.....funny, when I let the dogs out her car was there.....and why no call to advise me anything until AFTER I texted her???? It is the same ole same ole pattern of only communication w/me when I call her out on her dissing me..., but this time I didn't fret...obsess.....I just made my dinner

I did hurt, though....It did hurt...the Good news is....the hurt was't as bad.......She has lost all credibility w/me.......so sad for her...I am not going to live forever and unless things reaaaaaaaly change, she will be left behind w/regrets........NOT my business....

I know my post about her was not really "alanon" material b/c everyone else here is dealing w/people who are drinking and/or drugging and major abuse stuff........I am very very grateful that program has brought me to the place where A....I dont' attract the drunks and druggers anymore in my life.......B....I have learned to have no expectations with people who have lost their credibility........C...I am working steps 1,2,3 and its beginning to show.....In stead of texting her all p.o'd and all, I told her I was gonna turn her over to HER creator and pray for her.....So program DOES work.....I am not crying and wrecking my holiday over this.......if rain comes I may just go out and sit in it w/my dogs and enjoy watching Creator water the thirsty life who is outside......

Whatever....I will take care of me and do something for ME on this labor day......Cheers you all

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember saying one time that I will enjoy her when she is nice and distance when she is not nice.......I am thinking do I really want to ride a merry go round......up and down w/my emotions????? I think not....I am just too old to be messing with this.....

NO, I will never harm her or let harm come to her or not do the right thing about her, but I really can't and I won't force her to want to be in my life.......her dad and I hardly talk b/c he is a drinker so I cannot discuss anything w/him, so I will use my alanon/acoa tools to deal with this

I am an older mare who has been rode hard in this life and I deserve to have it easier....I will always have to work, but I don't have to go where I know it is not happy and healthy for me......

Nothing changes if nothing changes, so I seek to keep working on me so the changes will come within me for my healing and recovery......This girl reminds me soo much of my bio sister...nice when she needs me, abusive (different kind of abuse but still abuse) when she does not need me.......Its time for me to treat me w/love and I am doing that.....AND distance myself from those who don't treat me the way I deserve......

Lesson here??? I told her when this started...YOU call ME IF or WHEN you want to go out....She wanted a late lunch......no call during the day...red flag......no call approaching dinner time....red flag....only THIS time, I got out the burgher....the noodles....seasoned, diced tomatoes and I ATE...it was good....I took care of me , I texted her even different....no chastising her, really, just said., I am turning her over to creator for HIM to teach her.....because I CANT.......HP CAN...........let HP do it.........I am done

Anyway, I am gonna do some stuff...When D#1 comes home and we talk, I will tell her that things don't necessarily turn out the way we hope and its our job to work program and , yes, feel the anger, grief, then come to acceptance and detachment......

You guys have a good holiday and thanks for letting me share, destress , even tho its not really alanon stuff.....

I hope the newbies are reading my stuff and seeing that program WORKS....I used to be up and down, almost bi polar over this kid...I was happy, depressed......just yanked around.....NOT with program.....I can detach....I can let go.....I can distance me from toxic people.....I can love at a BIG distance if need be....I can take care of me and enjoy being w/me......I can lower expectations and not be so devestated by their actions.....I have way less ressentments b/c I just DONT expect anything from the ones who have no credibility......I can feel the emotions that I deserve to feel and then LET GO....accept and let go.....I know I can only change me....this program really works and my prayer today is that new and older...we never let go our programs or EVER think "we don't need it anymore b/c we think we got it"

Peace and happy Labor Day

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hey Grateful, actually I did not go into a big diatribe w/D#1....she asked me...I told her that it fell through........

I do plan on talking w/her when she comes home...that it is my problem to take care of me for and really, re reading my texts to D#1, I only addressed what happend...I didn't call #2 any names....kept it on the event............D#1 asked and yea, I wish I had said..."lets go over it when u get home" but I did not...

I have never tried to come between them but I am lousey at keeping my mouth shut....I just kept it brief, but I did tell her...D#1 knew we were to go out...she texted me to see had it happend....I told her No, but was gonna feed me and detach.....so yea, she did get mad.....I will talk w/her when she gets home and explain to her that this is my problem it is myh program to work re; detachment and letting go and hey what will be will be.........D#1 works her program, but I am her mom and so therefore she cares......

Its a fine line...I never could lie to either of them, I was always upfront and honest w/both of them...I tell it like it is, as soon as I said "no dinner happend" D#1 was mad.....I will ask her if she wants to work my boundary/detachment worksheet I found, can we work it together?? I know she will say yes, b/c she is real good worker bee in program....I think that is the best way to handle it.....by saying "lets work this worksheet I found on boundaries and detachment....

the cat is out of the bag....but D#1 will apply program to it, i am sure....and i will encourage it with this gr8 worksheet I found re; boundaries and detachment.....Thanks for your input Grateful....I will talk w/her about it when she comes home....

she doesnt' really like D#2 b/c of her behaviour to me, but she cannot change it...she cannot do anything but take care of her , just like I gota take care of me....I will remind her of that when she gets home....2morrow we are gonna skype together and that will be a good opportunity for us to talk....I did tell her what happened to me and i will remind her that it is MY job to take care of me as we both learned in program...........It will be OK....D#1 has a good head and she works her program, just like me....I am human...I am imperfect....not gonna look back at this....gonna look at what I further need to do to keep taking care of me....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

From Grateful I'd limit my sharings with each about my life because I didn't want to contribute to any possible drama between them. One day, I realized that I was as powerless over their interactions with each other as I was over alcohol. I don't deliberately share things with either of them that I know will create or inflame either one of them and their relationship, but if I'm asked a direct question, I answer it if it is about me and my experiences. I share the facts or my experience honestly. If either of them don't like what my experience or facts have been for the day and express it to me, I remind them that my relationships are mine to deal with and I appreciate their care for me and listening to my day with me.

*******************************

ACtually, reading this again, I have been "pretty good" about these two.....yes, yesterday, I told D#1 what happened, but re-reading my texts, I was pretty brief about it...text reflects i that I really didn't want to make a big stink about this, but I did tell teh truth....as to THOSE TWO??? I stay the heck out of anything they may interact about......and I am pretty good about limiting the sharing about 1 to 2 or 2 to 1.....I am OK with me that I keep it to a minimum b/c I DONT want anything negative between them, but I refuse to lie...I told D#1 the truth....kept it brief....then told her "lets talk when you get home" we will skype together and I will make it clear that yes, that happened to me, but "NO" it is noones lesson but mine....and I will suggest the boundary/detachment worksheet.......

so YES....I see that I should have when she asked "how did dinner go" I should have said, "lets wait till you get home" but really that is the only screw up I see that I did...I feel badly not waiting, but I did not...so I will do proper amends about it.....I was hurt and I told her that "we didn't go....I gave up and made my own dinner" as per text, it was brief, but I wish I had waited till she got home..........

AND, they both know that my relationships are MINE to deal with.....taught them waaay back "you deal wtih your own stuff an your own relationships" Just like me.....I do wish I had just said on text "talk when we get home".......then on skype, tell her that yea, we didn't go and its MY thing to deal with.......ok..its time for me to think about what nice thing I can do for me.........tomorrow when we skype D#1 and I will re-work boundaries and detachment....

Grateful you have good input all the time on my posts, and I see we agree on keeping my relationships as mine and so on......I am not gonna beat me up for making the "slip" on the text...I was hurt and I did it.......skype talk will clear up a lot of things , like reminder, that my relationshps are my prob. as her relationships are hers.........we are soo close, its hard, but it has to be that way....I don't want her turning against D#2 ...She isn't that crazy about her to begin with and I don't want to "fan the flames"...so tomorrow, I will do whatever amends I got to do and the amend is to tell her, "I am sorry I ddn't wait till you got home to just tell you briefly we DIDNT" go, AND my relationships need to be in my corner to learn/deal with as I need to respect your relationships to be yours" or words to that affect..........U R right, gr8ful...I agree and MOST of the time I do the same thing....yesterday was a pain day, disappointment, but I worked my program and I am OK today...slept very good last night....a sign of detachment.........Thanks G

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