Surviving - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Surviving

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Debbie))))...one of he truths I learned here nd in program is that when I learned to love myself I would never be alone again. And when I learned to love myself again the shame went away. You can stand alone in front of your HP with no one else in the way. Just you and your Father...Our Father. Sadness is a choice there are others. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The disease and his own decisions killed him, sadly. Please be gentle with yourself. I know you are hurting from recent events. When that happens, all past hurts come back to haunt you and seem magnified. Life gives us enough suffering, don't add more to that. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb

I am so sorry that your pain is unrelenting. I have learned to change the feelings of" I caused it, I miss him, I am lonely into": I miss him and it is sad that I was powerless over his disease and I am grateful that he was in my life and grateful for the many hours, days, years and memories that we shared together. Acceptance of Life on Life's term is difficult but possible when I live in the moment and in the day. These small actions truly change the feelings and the picture

In my thoughts

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I will pray that you will find the tools needed to give yourself some peace. To be happy with your life on life's terms. I pray to get involved with meetings and be with people during this time of need. We love you Deb and we are here the best we can be....you are not alone. Please just take it one day at a time, be gentle and love.

(((( hugs ))))

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb,

I can relate to what your feeling. Ive lost my Husband recently to this disease and it really pained me. More than I could imagine. like yesterday , doing errands and in the store and the song "Time in a bottle " came on , right there the tears came.
I know there is a grieving that I will have to go thru. Same for you with your recent loss

I just keep thinking, with all that happened with this life we shared. I did my best. I would never intentionally harm him. When I think back on it, we had to part because his disease was killing me. You did what you had to do to protect your children with your first husband.

Remember, we are powerless over the outcome and decisions others make for their life. People come in and out of our lives and acceptance is the key here. We never know what our HP has in store for us.

This will pass, accept the process.

Hugs, Bettina

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and prayers, Deb. In support...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie wrote:
The disease and his own decisions killed him, sadly. Please be gentle with yourself. I know you are hurting from recent events. When that happens, all past hurts come back to haunt you and seem magnified. Life gives us enough suffering, don't add more to that. Hugs.

I was going to say this to you,...His disease and his choices were what killed him, and Deb, I hope you can just go back to square one w/the steps and , yes, feel the feelings, work through the emoitons, but the solutions would be to me, steps 1 - 3......you were powerless over these events.....totally powerless......your HP is not....whatever HP U embrace, Creator, God, Jesus, et al, loves you totally....I would think this would be a good time to just "rest in HP" and just give up the added suffering brought on my guilt over stuff you had no power over.....and to hand it over to HP.....I know...Hard for me to do, but I am just making me practice it....If I have to give over my anger ea. HOUR, then so be it......

sending you peace and love.......

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're hurting (((((debilyn))))) TT

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Please be nice to my friend Debilyn, it seems like she's blaming herself for others' decision :)

I am sorry you are hurting Deb. I know, it's not fair but as I mentioned in your other post, those grandkids of his likely need him more right now than you do.

I hate to feel like I am taking sides, but I know all to well what it is like to have parents you absolutely cannot count on. No one to give you guidance, be there for you, help you, you can turn to and if I am correct, you mentioned they were under 12.

Because of that though, I also know what it's like to feel absolutely alone so I sympathize with you.

This to shall pass Deb. It will.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you are all very correct.

I guess it's more,I now feel the horrible pain my first felt. You are right, it was becuz he was A and/or so young that he got himself into that mess. I do forgive me for having to hurt him so badly. It was the realization how horrible it feels to be left by your mate, that I never really felt before. Becuz in my last relationship I gave all of me like I never have before. I mean the one now.

S. jim, I completely agree and thank you for remembering what caused this being left out. Plus he has his two almost out of the house kids too, which one is not doing well from the AW's abuse.

His codependance thinks he knows the best for everyone. He said before when the divorce was going everyone was so unhappy. no laughter etc. So he does not want to do the divorce right now and hurt the family. typical Co. that is his problem. I was ready to move there, and help with the babies happily. Even when the boys move out he could do one, which he may.

But says he feels bad asking me to wait, and knows how much all this is tearing me apart.

I know from mip that we cannot stop our lives to try to control others. That we all must go thru what we do to learn. Even when it hurts us.

Jerry I am fighting to find joy again. Its not that I choose to feel this sad at all. I dream and they are usually good with my passed on first. But i wake up with a sick stomach and crying. I mean i wake up to that. So I get up, feed, then I drink water as I am dehydrated, eat a plum or two, clean up some then I lighten up some. But this heaviness of loss of my budi hands on me like a weight. I miss calling him an idiot and a butthead, I miss him calling me a heifer and me yelling back at him how that is NOT funny. lol I miss telling him that the tortoise and two skinny guina pigs are sleeping together in the sleeve of a fleece jacket I gave them, or we had lightening, or I took in 9 foster puppies...

miss his laughter, his beautiful low southern voice, hearing about the kids, we knew where each other was every single day all day. We were growing into mates. It does not go away.

believe me I am choosing to be happy when I go sit with those puppies who are scared, shy and I have been bit 3 times. Its when I feel the spark. I have four out of five now who allow me to play and hold them. Of course I fell in love with one tiny little thing. Chi/Havenese. sigh

Bettina thank you, such sweet words. hugs tt you are one of the ones who kept me alive when it was my ex AH not him anymore. Yes neshema I needed to be reminded of that. tu. thank you pp for seeing me. Cathy I appreciate the support. Betty you are right, and I will cont. to be in the moment. also I must say, I am always embarrassed to say how lonely I am for my lost ones. I don't like to share I am lonely. I have to live with that every day. I want to get passed it and go right into my crazy sweet life. I know I am blessed to feelthe love of the earth, animals, sky, plants, wind, my son, many people, a lot online. I feel weak if I admit I am lonely.

Mattie you are so right. I tell others that alll the time. with each death all the others come back and you do more healing with them all.

I am probably too hard on myself. Gentle on myself makes sense too.

I really changed with my guy. I opened up, shared it all, was 100% me and he loved me anyway. He was a rock when I would lose it, not run away. Just as much as he was there when things were smooth.

Now this other guy is chatting and talking to me. I have seen him around on fb for a long time. but i see and feel me holding back. I feel nothing. But it keeps me busy, and I care and listen to him. Friends are important.

I see my son sometimes, and my silly neighbor who is raising teens..lol

No I have not laughed in a long time. I remember now years ago I did not laugh for many many many months. Probably when my best friend/Mother died. She was my biggest admirer, and she mine. I was fortunate to have such a cool Mother! WEll her and all my family for that matter. So the blessing I am rich with are what keep me fighting to survive.

thank you, its you guys and fb friends who remind me I am really here. Its weird when you don't have real face to face conversations hardly at all.

I will change something......... hugz, Debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Debilyn: I've been out of town this weekend and on and off the internet for short periods of time. Back home now. I just wanted to send you a ton of lovingkindness through cyberspace and a bunch of understanding, too. My experience has been that every time I open my heart and let somebody into it, that person is there forever - and sometimes, I miss them and who I was with them once upon a time. And tears can well up suddenly in my eyes. (((Debilyn))) I don't know what you're going to change, but I know whatever it is you will do it with determination, good humor and a loving heart.

cwya · Senior Member

Debilyn--we seem to be in the same place emotionally a lot. My 1st husband was the love of my life and I lost himbecause of my alcoholism. I left him in the throes of my end stage disease and have regretted it ever since. He is still alive and I still talk to my father in law but my ex lives in my head psychically and has been since wewere in 8th grade 50 years ago. 4 years ago he contacted when I screamed at the ether for him toeither get in touch with me or get the eff out of my head. We exchanged almost 40 emailsand phone calls then he just dropped me with a dear jane letter. So he has been in my head tormenting me without cease for 4 years at a level its hard to cope with. I dont know how to explain my connection with my first. Its like he is present in my head 24/7 and I cant seem to shake him. I've begged him to leave my head alone but no response so far. I am a writer and am working on a new book which covers my and my first's experiences during the civil rights movement in the sixties. I want him to fill in some gaps I have in my memory and have asked my father inlaw to ask him [my first] if I could write to him on a non-personal wavelength which I worry is game-manship on my part. Oh hell I'm a mess.

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