Attended a meeting of the (Aa) - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Attended a meeting of the (Aa)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Our Al-Anon family groups attempted to do a combined AA/Al-Anon recovery group. I went once. No thank you. The group folded in a very short time. Just didn't work. And a large group of people began in earnest with this start up group who had a lot of time in recovery. We all ended up just returning to the meetings that best fit our recovery needs.

You are making progress, Ms Co. Your home group in Al-anon is a place you've shared with us has been a help to you. Let your husband have his own opinion - it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You don't have to justify your reasons for going to Al-Anon. You don't have to argue your reasons for going to Al-Anon. You don't have to defend your reasons for going to Al-Anon. You don't have to explain yourself or your group or your reasons for sticking with Al-Anon either.

I can remember when you first started posting here. I think you are doing so much better than when you first started. Al-Anon recovery is looking good on you. And......I think your new haircut is very stylish and is a good fit that frames your face beautifully.

(((Ms C)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 30th of August 2013 06:48:16 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Dear Ms C
i loved your answer to hubby "That is because Capital A took over the group and little "a "did not have a chance" . That is no doubt true. AA program and meetings are different than alanon meetings yes they laugh and have cake and candy and alanon meetings we cry and have tissues. Have you ever wondered why this might be since we are all recovering from the same disease.

I believe it is because alanon members experienced the entire disease without an aesthetic and cold sober. They do not consider it funny to tear down the house, crash the car, get arrested- AA members seem to because it reflects what they survived and how far they have come. The laughter is identification and not because it is funny.

Alanon members have been living in denial for a long time Not talking, not trying to make waves, walking on egg shells It is important for alanon members to learn how to share their deep painful feelings of anger, resentment, self pity and fear These are not funny and do require many boxes of tissues

Continue to take care of yourself and keep sharing here. You are doing fine.

--

OMG....Betty absolutely echoed my sentiments.....My A Brother was forced to go to AA for (4got how long) over a DUI issue with the CA police.....He thought it was a big joke, the "war" stories he shared with his mates and all.....oh yea, I can just imagine how you felt, sitting there listening to all that b/c my brother had the same attitude that your husband shows............

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and YOU say**** "my a woke up from a nap today and started writing down his thoughts in front of me . I know they were about me because he was he was looking at me and tapping his pen, why does this continue to happen !! How many more times am I going to be under his thumb . Why do I let this scare me ? His poor attitude he has with me the more digs he gets in and smiles like I didn't here it. How much more jelious is he going to be . When will the questioning stop ? ****

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This will stop when you detach.....he is "yanking your chain" b/c you give him a response......the best way to get "even" is to do nothing....say nothing, just ignore it....detach an work your program.....What can he do if there is no "feedback" You hit a tennis ball against the wall and you hit and you hit b/c the wall returns the ball.....what if he hit that tennis ball out in the golf course....u think he is gonna make the effort to go find it???? No!!! tennis ball didn't come back to him......end of game.....

I would just let go....detach....dont' acknowledge the jabs.....no response is the best deterrant to a heckler.......think of the tennis ball analogy............hang in there....keep coming back, this does work

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-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 30th of August 2013 08:21:21 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 1st of September 2013 07:53:37 AM

Ms co-dependent · Senior Member

Last night me and my husband went to a meeting that had aa and al Alon / my I felt like I was walking into a storm , we were talking about step 8. Open up the meeting with a greeting and what side of the street we were on . First person to talk was from Aa told there story my husband sat there and smiled felt comfortable UNTILL the person said she is there representing Alalon . Then my ah sober 9 months said figured that. All of a sudden her story became useless he lost interest . I listen to to other story's and was not guessing what side they were on I didn't care I was there to here all story's . When one gentleman told his about how controlling and tricks and manipulating things he did to his wife my husband got up to go to the rest room the room got quiet and I was looked at and I said he must not liked what he was hearing . He came back and said what didn't I miss . Well I lasted the evening with out feeling unwanted the a's made me feel comfortable since we are al there for a reason and that's to recovery heal and let go . Got home changed cloths and waited for the big question about the meeting. Then he says wow u ppl don't speak up huh why is that . My side took control and spoke up . I said well that's because the capital A took charge over the group little a didn't have a chance to speak . My husband says when are you gonna change! Stop being so jelious because we have a better support team then Alalon , yes I got my guard up I'm thinking to myself bad enough he talks down to me but then attacts my group . He says I never go to that meeting again. I really don't no what he was expecting but my feelings were hurt yes it does seam that Aa has a better support team and more meetings and more healthy ppl and up beat . My Alalon meetings are not all healthy and we have tissues on our table not candy and we don't have a survival chips like Aa has for sobriety , my a woke up from a nap today and started writing down his thoughts in front of me . I know they were about me because he was he was looking at me and tapping his pen, why does this continue to happen !! How many more times am I going to be under his thumb . Why do I let this scare me ? His poor attitude he has with me the more digs he gets in and smiles like I didn't here it. How much more jelious is he going to be . When will the questioning stop ?

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned that so long as I continued to feed the A the attention and drama he craved, he would keep it up.

I've never thought it to be a great idea to attend Al-Anon or AA meetings side-by-side with my loved ones. Yes, I love them, but there are some things that might come up for me that are best that they don't hear. I would have to feel like we were a really healthy couple to attend a twelve-step meeting with them. I also know that the few times I ever attended any AA meeting with the exA, my recovery suffered because all I did was sit there and wonder "Hmm... did he hear that? Did he get it? Does he see himself in that person's share, because I sure see him in that person's share!"

My A loved to try to blur the boundaries and convince me constantly that stuff that was his responsibility was mine.

It wasn't until I started regularly attending Al-Anon meetings, got myself a sponsor, started working the steps AND got myself involved in service that I finally started to be able to step back and view the situations objectionably and recognize what things were my deal and what were not. In this way, I started to become healthier, while my A remained sick by constantly looking outside of himself to find blame - it was never ever his fault.

Healthy people take responsibility for their actions and do not shift the blame to others nor do their best to scare, frighten, shame, guilt, or drag others down around them.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not think it is a good idea to go to AA meetings until you are well into recovery for yourself. We may do the same 12 steps but we do them from a different point of view. Alcoholics are "takers" and Alanons are "givers". And we look at our lives from that point of view. The purpose of each of our respective recoveries is for alanons to learn to accept and for aas to learn to give. Your experience with your hubby just prooved that to you. You will keep getting stepped on as long as you accompany him to those meetings.

yes they have more meetings but they also have a lot of people who need those meetings and I have not seen that they are more supportive although they talk a good story.

concentrate on taking care of yourself.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Ive never heard of a mixed Alanon and AA meeting.

I have been to a few open AA meetings with the X A. I don't think they have mixed meetings in L.A., I may be wrong.
Different dynamics for each I think. One of those AA meetings I attended was like being in a loony bin. Too much karma in one room for me. lol. They reminded me of high school. some, not all.

I'm still disapointed in the AA'ers from my X husband 's group, who he was pretty close too, not one paid him a visit when he was on life support, but was alert for a time. I guess it was too close for comfort and too in their face. But the one Alanoner in his life was there too bid farewell. I still would rather be the giver instead of the taker.

I think progress not perfection applies to us Alanon, but the A takes it as, I don't have to be perfect, I sneak a drink here or there, after all , Im not perfect. My opinion anyway. AA has a 30% success rate, time to re evaluate. My opinion again. Thats all Im gonna say, not my business.

Ms. just because your A is sober, doesnt mean all his flaws are gone, you can look into other options of recovery. Not are all suited for AA , getting him there is the problem.

Keep up the practice and philosophy of Alanon, it works. Try something different just once, don't respond to anything he says, your still allowing him to "push your buttons" there's that phrase. He knows how to get to you. Try not responding.
Really try practicing this.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms Co dependant, in alanon I learned to take my eyes off others. Your husbands behaviour and attitude belongs to him, you have no power or control and you have no right to either. I know this sounds hard but how can you progress in your recovery if you are still obsessed with another person? I think all of us who live with alcoholism become obsessed, we watch every move, read between the lines of every word, its part of the insanity. I still can revert back to this and do every so often and its so very destructive for us. I hope this helps.

Ms co-dependent · Senior Member

Hello family. Yes getting back to the joined AA / Alon meeting I went to on Thursday night. I just wanted to clear this up a bit. I do go to my own meetings and my husband goes to his . This was his idea to go as a couple , I did tell him after the meeting I'm not ready for the combining the to a's together yet. I'm not ready to work on us.... That was the whole idea I guess . I went with a open mind which I don't like . For me to have a open mind yes to accept new ideas but yet if my mind is always open I find its easy for my A to access all my thoughts which has been done during his step4/5 inventory . With little tools I pick up from my meetings and from my books and from this sight keeps me afloat and hope. Now something new has started to happen to me and I'm not sure if this is common in my recovery. Since I can accept step 1.2.3. And see a little in the fog and not drowning as much in the puddle of pity, but I have been having nightmares!! Yes it may sound crazy and funny and it's ok if you want to laugh because I won't know any ways âºbut the dreams are about me tied to a tree and my A and all of his A friends are throwing bottles and cans at me calling me foul names lighting me on fire with alcohol instead of gasoline. My cabinets and refrigerator are filled with beer, dreams that its raining alcohol and my A is outside catching any drop he can,. It sound funny I agree but in the dream it was scary to no that I was surrounded my the poisonist liquid no matter where I went. Is this normal ? Is this a sigh that I'm not past step 1 yet? If so and these dream are normal will I ever get out of the water and on DRY land ?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms C

I am so glad that you were able to clear up the misunderstanding regarding your ability to attend alanon meetings. Your dream certainly sounds frightening and upsetting. I am not a dream expert however it sounds to me as if your subconscious is finally able to reach through your fear and denial and show you very graphically the danger of alcoholism and the disease. You have no doubt suppressed your fears of the disease and now that you are working so very hard in program it is now safe to feel the feelings of fear that this disease raised within you. Just my take

I am glad you shared on this. Before you go to sleep It might be helpful if you reinforce your program tools in your mind I know I say the serenity prayer, repeat the slogans, the 1 2 Steps and remind myself that I am not alone. My HP is always by my side. This helps me sleep well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.