The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got out two and half years ago after 28 years of marriage. I was so scared and unsure, but compared to having to stay in the hell that I was living, it was the best thing that I did for myself. The kids were all out of the house and it was just the two of us. With the kids gone, there were no more "filters" or pretenses. And things became obvious to me that, "when nothing changes, nothing changes."
Fast forward to today, I'm am now a widow. My AH died this past January due to the effects of his drinking while we were in the middle of finalizing our divorce. I'm recreating my life. At first, I had to really scrape by financially, but now I'm doing fine. I can breathe during the day and sleep at night. Was it easy? No. If I had the chance, would I go it again? Absolutely! It was not an easy decision to make. It took me about three years after joining Al-Anon to come the conclusion that I needed to move forward. I tried hard to save our marriage. But, he was going to keep drinking, now what was I going to do?
Sending you a big hug and lots of support. If you're not going to Al-Anon meetings, get yourself there. That was the first step for me towards getting well.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 30th of August 2013 01:37:28 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 30th of August 2013 01:37:51 PM
I would love to hear from you all that have gotten out, and started a new life. That is what I need to do, and I just need to get it together, and do it. The problem is I have been with him since I was 18, I am now pushing 61 I've been suffering in silence. But it is getting more unbearable by the year.I was begining to think I had turned to stone. When all the kids are gone and then especially when you retire,and you 2 are together 24/7, which we have been for the past 6 years. It just puts a magnifing glass on the relationship, or last thereof. Any insite on this would be welcomed. I don't have any illusoins that Mr Right is going to come running my way. I figure I'm alone now anyway. It's the finances.
I got out and started a new life in my early 30s and am still single. I'm retiring next year. My experience with this was that it was difficult to make the break, difficult to be single, difficult to struggle financially - all worth separating myself from an active A. If I had to do it again - which I don't - I'd do it. I've learned that if I supply the willingness to make changes, God supplies the means and the way. And I couldn't have done it alone. I needed people in my life who truly cared about me and were there for and with me as I made these changes. Al-Anon fellowship can make all the difference in the world for you.
I would love to hear from you all that have gotten out, and started a new life. That is what I need to do, and I just need to get it together, and do it. It just puts a magnifing glass on the relationship, or last thereof. Any insite on this would be welcomed. I don't have any illusoins that Mr Right is going to come running my way. I figure I'm alone now anyway. It's the finances.
I was late 30's on the first marriage, and 50's in my second marriage when I got out.....I just worked my program (2nd breakup was catalyst for my getting into recovery) but I just worked on me...I had a decent trace (pub. bookkeeper) and It was hard...financially it was hard, but I was determined and willing to make the changes I needed to make to make it alone, where there is a will, there is a way and I am sure Creator helped me w/clients when I needed them which is pretty much all the time, but program helped me w/my fears of being totally alone...and I have zero expectations of finding another man who is healthy, and financially stable....Unless Creator has a plan for me, I am making it alone...its hard...but omg..compared to the chaos of the drinking??? I'll take this any ole time....I totally relate to your "finances"....I would sit down...figure out income that I bring in...vs. expenses....would you split property in half??? being together that long, I wold think assets and liabilities for the most part would be 50-50...I would get out a ledger sheet and figure out the numbers....then ascertain what do I do to take care of me based on these facts........good luck...its scary, but doable....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I managed to get out but its not all plain sailing. Im 42 and left around 5/6 years ago and even then it took me another few years to actually cut all ties. Its hard going and I gave up my house to leave. I left with clothes and just about nothing else. Its hard to let go of resentment for that one. I thought i was doing the right thing at the time for my kids but we went through a few bad years and in some ways life got a whole lot worse before it got better. Things are better now though, only really since Alanon. When I have any contact with my ex, who is sober right now and working the AA program I get glimmers of hope that he is all better now and maybe but then it takes about an hour or so and that old ugly attitude of his comes out, you know the one self pity mixed with arrogance. He is getting better but I go back and forth with my feelings of resentment, these are my problems though. Its all about me and my attitude and all I can do now is look after myself properly, when I do that everything else falls into place really but its hard to keep up. I think you will know what to do when you have been in Alanon for a while. Some women in my meetings are really happy and are still living with the alcoholic, although, I think most of them are sober. Its a hard move to make, stay or go. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.x
I am in the process of divorce which I initiated middle of May this year; we would have been married 22 years in November. We were also married young (I was 23) and alcoholic drinking has been an issue since the very beginning of our dating in 1987. It is hard to come to the decision to leave; but getting strength and working a program help you take care of yourself and know what's right for you. I first went to a lawyer last fall; I hadn't been working any program and was definitely not ready to end the marriage. I then started going to f2f meetings and coming here regularly, and I started to recover. I saw that in our marriage things were not changing....only I was and that made the difference for me.
I'm in the throws of divorce and looking back wish I had done it 9 years earlier when I was pregnant with my youngest. I wasn't ready and that is ok. It's not been easy. Honestly I'm far happier... at least now I don't have to wonder about how legal issues will financially impact me. I'm grateful for that alone it's worth it.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I separated from the A, 6 or 7 years ago, there was a time we were going back and forth, but at least 5 years .
I filed for divorce and he was served and he signed and returned it. Couldnt go completely thru with it, I was on his cobra because he was laid off from his job, that almost wiped my bank account out, paying cobra for 3 year. When I finally called the legal office to complete the divorce, the gov. shut down the office. Never knew what happened, gave me a number but nobody ever answered. I decided to let fate decide. The X just recently passed away a little over a month ago. I dated maybe once for a few months, but I saw the writing on the wall. A 65 year old man with a 16 year old spoiled daughter and a nagging x wife. I ran, there are some things just as bad as putting up with the drinking. lol.
Wasnt easy for a 62 year old to be single, it was like a withdrawal after 25 years. We had times we didnt talk and there were times we did. We remained friends, mostly telephone. Still kept my boundaries, no drunk calling. He kept his word, he was off and on with the drinking. I kept him in my life as he amused me at times, but then when I had enough, I could detach. Even thru his drunkedness you could see he was a nice guy, who did stupid things. He made me laugh. and nobody could make him laugh like I could. He liked my humor.
When I look back , after all this time, I have no regrets, if you would have asked me that a year ago, I might have had a different answer. Its a lot of memories to overcome , as there were good times. i'm sure you have had some good times in all the years you have been with your Husband. I met my husband when I was 37 , you were 18, a long time. You said its the finances. Well, you can get creative a different life until you decide, you don't have to spend 24/7 with eachother. I assume he drinks, but you didnt mention that. As far as a new life, I don't know if that exists, because where ever we go , there we are.
You didnt mention if you attend Alanon and have used the tools of the program, so there is a lot you left out.
Thanks, Bettina .. I needed to read your reply too even when I get in my head with 'others starting a new life; I needed the reminder they bring their unrecovered selves with them too.
Thanks everyone for your replies........Bettina, yes he's a drinker. He's what I would call a functioning A, Never missed a day of work, you will never see him make an ass out of himself, ect. It's just him and his real wife... the beer. The two of them are quite happy together. Beer is his main priority in life. Always has been. If i didn't want and need companionship I could keep on, keepin on, as I have been doing for years, but I am SICK of being alone. And all the other bull shit that comes along with it.
The finance thing, yes we could split everything. The only thing that has kept me here is the farm, I really love it. We worked our way up the realestate ladder all these years, and finally have a nice farm in the country. It is so peaceful, quiet and wonderful here. I have animals. I really like where I live. And my life. ( expect the elephant sitting in the room) So I would be leaving this, this is where my heart is. The marrage, emotionally, actually I think I left it, piece by piece, bit by bit already.
Insurance is what I need to figure out. How can I afford decent coverage. And this is not a good time to be selling property.
I have not gone to a meeting yet. The only one is going to be 1 1/2 hrs round trip from here on . But if I'm going to get to one, I guess I have on choice. And I don't know how to get started on working the steps. Any help there??
