The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Epic journey today, 10 hours of buses and trains. I do this every 2nd friday to take my daughter to her father's house (it's just across the bay- now if I only had a hovercraft).
When we moved here, for the A's job at the time, he was going to help "as much as he could" with the travel. Mhhm. As I've mentioned before, he now drives my car while I catch trains and buses or puff and pant on my bicycle. Very helpful.
The agreement today was, I would call him at 8pm (his break time) and at 9:15 when he finishes work, he would come and collect me from the train station (which is 10 minutes drive from his work), therefore saving me around 2 hours of waiting/travel. (It's unpleasant waiting at the bus-station; I'm sorry but it's just full of drunk/stoned weirdos who want to have long conversations at night time. I get enough of that at home. He also cleamied that he wanted to spend the evening with me and was going to cook dinner and curl up with me and watch some movies. OK, that was a bit fanciful but I thought he'd come through on the pick-up.
So, I call, it goes to his voicemail. All evening. I eventually arrive home after an hour waiting with a drunk teenage girl who is very nice and very friendly but also...well, a drunk teenage girl, and then another hour on the bus with a drunk man who, although the bus is completely empty, decides to sit behind me and push on my seat constantly and mutter unintelligible sweet nothings into my shoulder. I think I caught "whydonchamovethatbagsoIcancomesitwifyou" and something else about the football, like I could give a crap.
I arrive home, he is lying in bed playing computer games and there's half a bottle of 5 buck chuck in front of him. He comes out to greet me with "why didn't you call? I was so worried". I tell him I did call. "Oh yeah I realised my phone was on airplane mode on the way home". (OK, if you realised that then you know why you didn't get a call). So, logically, I ask- when you realised that, why didn't you call to see if I was allright?
He responds with "I don't have your phone number". O.....kay. That's possibly the most untrue statement that has ever passed his lips. And the weakest attempt at lying I have ever heard. He went back to his computer game and his bottle of illness and I haven't seen him since. I jumped online for a meeting and now I'm here, just reminding myself to breathe. In, out. In...and..out. I could initiate the mother of all screaming matches. But. Getting mad won't make me feel better. What will make me feel better? A facial, a foot-soak, some after-meeting chat, some breathing. I'm OK. He can be a jerk all he wants, but I'm OK. And no, he's not going to run out of booze and then pretend to be sweet and loving so that I'll give him some of the cider I keep in the shed for the times when I feel like a drink or two. Well, he probably will, but I don't have to buy into it. I just have to breathe, and care for me.
Melly: The anger and frustration you are feeling - to me - are wake up calls. With re-reading this, do you see anything you can change for the return trip to bring your daughter home? Or have you already had that "change what I can" realization here? And again - I love the way you write.
Her dad drives her back on Sunday evening. But there's still next fortnight. It's a rock and a hard place; as it is I have to collect her early from school on the Friday just to be able to make it home without sleeping at the bus station overnight. Hate the whole damn arrangement, grr. But she loves her dad and he loves her and it has to be done. As for the A- well, I'd quite like to just put my car on ebay, since I get no benefit from having it (except for speeding and parking fines in the mail) and he can't even make a 10 minute detour to pick me up in it). I could go and shake my fist at the sky, I guess. These are the things I "cannot change" for the moment.
I don't have a drivers license. I got the car so I could learn in it. I live many miles from anyone else who can drive with me. My A treated each driving lesson as an opportunity to scream at me until I was afraid to ever get behind the wheel again. Then he blew up his car and took mine. If he can't drive to work, I am stuck paying rent and bills alone. You know how an A's mind works. Lessons are $50 each and I'm a very nervy driver and would need many hours I'm told, before i could pass the test. Rock and a hard place. More shaking of the fist at the sky. Not an excuse to give up and feel hopeless tho.
Okay! I get it now. Probably would have been better if I pm'd my question to you. Sometimes I forget we're not on the phone having a conversation. You're somebody who speaks so clearly and well, it feels like you're sitting across from me in my living room. I was feeling the injustice of his driving your car while you're on buses and trains and hoping to support you as you reclaimed your car and your right to drive it. Next time, I think I'll pm you if I have a question. Might be more appropriate. I'm sorry, Melly, if I've caused you any distress in asking you the question on the message board rather than in a pm. (((M)))
Your story is alot like mine . I love it when some one else can tell it for me then I no I'm not crazy and not the only one going threw the same things. My A recently bough me a car 2 weeks ago . Mind you I'm 46 and I do have a little bit of a brain that hasn't been poisoned by the disease . The car is simple no extra fancy gadgets I been driving since I was 21 . My A took an hour and missed (a) meeting to show me how to put the lights on how to use the wipers open the trunk how to use a radio and to park . And this is a 9 month healthy boy ( man) I get talked down to more now then when he was a drunk , then at that time he didn't know my name but he new how to call me foul names . There is so much power and control I notice for myself in my husband recovery that I give up . I feel your frustration I have the world on my pray list I will move you up to me . I'm curious , but why did no one show you how to drive when you were younger?
