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that i could actually either kill someone, or have something explode in my brain. I have come on here to vent so i don't text my **** of an alcoholic mother. She infuriates me with her denial. I know i can't control it, but when i spend time texting, caring, and encouraging and she doesn't give a *****k it makes me so *****g mad. Empathy? for someone who ACTUALLY doesn't give a ****t about me? banging my head against a brick wall, yes i love that.
Saying all she wants to focus on is getting her house sold and not 'UNIMPORTANT!!!!!!' things...
I textd her saying 'does it not bother you how your drinking has effected me? you wouldn't even begin to imagine'.... and guess what i got back.....nothing.... like i always do. Her refusal to ignore my feelings all these years has led me to be a depressed, apathetic, arrogant **** just like her!!!!!
8888! i despise that *****h more than you know. I still hate her for getting me arrested for banging on her door....saying i damaged it, asking for me to be taken into the cells.... she later admitted that it was because i'd not spent x mas with her. BECAUSE SHE WAS A***** and has ***** me off for the last 7 years at x mas not giving a **** about me.
I think not only is she alcoholic but i think she's a narcissist.
A major trigger for my anger is her and her lack of interest in me or our relationship. I'm 34 years old infertile, have no siblings, my dad died 2 years ago, i have no partner, wouldn't you think she would think about me being alone and feel something? NO!!!!!!!
I'm getting right to the end of my tether. I regret telling her she can come with me now, i can't keep changing my mind though....after that though i am seriously DONE with this ************ of a woman.... she is exactly like that woman out of the sopranoes, his mother. So what the ****l am i ? some dragon and monster, coz i feel like one right now....
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 30th of August 2013 09:53:18 AM
I wish I'd **** her off years ago you know seriously i do....... i feel like using myself, drinking myself into oblivion at LEAST. No wonder it runs in families. I despise my life coz of that*****
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 30th of August 2013 09:54:04 AM
We are not suppose to tell you what you should do and I know you are angry and glad that you can get it out and vent.
If it were my Mother and believe me I have had my share of my Mother's narcissism. There would be no communication, no texting, no conversation. I would block her calls. Until you have enough Alanon under your belt and are really utilizing the tools, as this thing thats going on with Your Mother will always be ongoing. Even if she goes thru recovery, there is the narcissim.
One time I went on a trip to Italy with my Mother, why I don't know, I should have had my head examined. You just have the mistaken notion that , this time it will be different, but it never is. On are return trip I called my brother and told him to come pick up his Mother, lol, I didnt want to be around her for at least 6 months. And thats what I did. I didnt call , or speak to her. I needed to heal from her abuse. Narcissim on top of alcoholism. Thats a nitemare I wouldnt want. I made new boundaries when it came to my Mother, Now I care for her every day and it was rough the first 6 months, but I stuck to my boundaries, she knows not to cross the line, even with her dementia.
Moving to another part of the country doesnt change things or put space between people. In order for you to be sucessful , for You, you must stick to your boundaries and detach. I know its your Mother, but your mental health and serenity are more important. Gwerty, are you in AA also??
Keep coming back Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 30th of August 2013 02:11:01 PM
I also wanted to add Gwerty, I understand what your going thru as far as the apathy on your Mother's part., partly because she is numb from drinking and something in her personality.
She doesnt have the capacity, something you will have to learn, detach, accept...for your self preservation. You can't change who she is, I live with an 88 year old, who never changed in her whole life, not one thing. Imagine going thru your whole life and not growing, or having any self realization, only shallow self indulgence. You are the one that has to affect a change or you will drive yourself crazy. Comes the day that we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. No more blaming our Mothers, Fathers, Spouses, etc. , we decide how we want to respond to them.
Those changes can come about thru Alanon, I know it, because I changed, I grew, I found a serenity in myself that I can retreat too. All my best to you
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 30th of August 2013 03:36:33 PM
I had that anger off and on for 6years.. so I understand where you are. TAKING CARE OF YOU ..and for the most part ignoring anything said or done by a drunk is what I had to learn to do.... For a long time if he went to bathroom or another room I would jump in car and leave .... I would NOT answer my phone or txts. and after 4-5 times of NOT fighting back (things would get almost or violent then) He now knows I wont stay and take his drunkness rages, or be blamed ... So he did learn how to stay calm at least
My change for MY best interest ... did make him change some of his bad ways.
Do I still talk about leaving YES .... I know at this time its not best for my son,he would be exposed to a world I keep from him. He is learning tools from me. And once said (when we got in car to go find something fun to do) Dad's being a jerk ...but we cant make his choices, so lets go to the park. I was so proud ! He knew we didnt cause the bad mood or whatever that made him drink
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Dear Qwerty.......WOW, I feel your anger....I had that kind of anger at my parents and my oldest sister...
well daddy adn mommie dearest from hell are back in hell, but the big sister used to do exactly to me what your mother is doing to you...She enjoyed pressing my buttons, jabbing me where it hurt, and pushing my triggers....
Program taught me I DONT HAVE TO TAKE ANY S*** from ANYONE......Period!!!!
Its MY choice....I can and did
cut her out of my life and for me it is for life b/c she is soo bad....program or no program, I do not want to learn to detach from willful pain giving people....CUT THEM OUT......It does not matter what is 'behind" thier ill treatment of me....they GO...
as to the big sister, I did the following
blocked her cell
blocked her email
when she uses her daughters phone to text me I delete....NO response...
when she gets on daughter's email to emaile me....DELETE
I do not respond....I blocked her on facebook.....
unless she uses daughter's computer or cell, she cannot get to me, and I just DELETE...
her daughter , knows she is abusive and we talked about this and she isn't aware of her mom using her phone or email, b/c her mom comes over to her house and she just does not watch her mom...
I told the daughter it was ok...she uses all her daughters media to try and connect w/me.....
I ignore her....she is out of my life and I will not take her back...not ever...
I won't tell the board here, but my sponsor knows and my co-recovery mates know what she did to me to break the fragile, what was left of any bond...she BROKE it...tore it to pieces....and there is NO taking her back
I am willing and I have to at times, Turn over to HP and say "I am willing to give up the anger and resentment towards ..................................." whoever has triggered bad memories and anger for me.........i just keep telling my HP within me that I am willing to let go the anger, resentment and I do that as often as I need to
getting angry only hurts me....they don't care....they have no conscience or no clue, whichever, that they are a toxic an probably don't care.....
so my expecting my abusers to care is like expecting myself to turn into a frog....it aint gonna happen
but I can set a boundary within me for me....this is what I am gonna do to take care of me and it is for me...about me.....with NO expectations my boundary will change or influence them.....
this is what I did and I am soooo much happier w/out her....it is like night an day........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hello Qwerty - what I read from you is of you trying to MAKE your mother be what you want her to be, make her respond the way YOU want her to respond; and, you want rational sane treatment from someone with the words SICK SICK SICK on their forehead. She's being exactly what she is - an addict with everything that comes with being an addict. We can't force the addicts in our lives to see things our way, to see the light, to GET IT. I certainly couldn't force mine to see things from my point of view and yeah, it made me angry, livid. After the anger and enough al-anon I reached the acceptance stage, the one where I understood that I could NOT move that mountain no matter how hard I pushed, no matter what method I tried, it weren't gonna move, no way, no how.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hard, I can empathize with your anger as well .. Even secretly felt bad because it felt so Dang Good deep down to explode .. Later realized it wasn't so much that I felt good about harming anyone; it felt so good to get some of my anger out .. we all need to get it out Alanon is a Safe place to release it in a healthy manner. In other words, when you get angry here and share on it, you might just read or hear something Meaningful that helps with the understanding piece .. Alcoholism is a Disease .. Took me Many years to Get that .. Thinking disease Not just drinking .. The thought process is All part of it; it's not about love .. Sure feels like it though ..
Keep coming back and sharing .. I hope it helps to bring you some peace !!
Thank you so much for all your responses, and allowing me to vent so much anger..i really do appreciate you taking your time to help me realize about this disease....and sorry for swearing so much.. I can't believe how i feel sometimes around her. I am doing okay and then i communicate with her and all hell brakes loose with my emotions.
Bet, I attended AA at one point but i left because i was too shy to speak and didn't know how to communicate properly with people. Also i wanted to know if i was or wasn't an alcoholic (black & white thinking) as i go on binges and am not a daily drinker. I gave up drinking for 6 months but in the last 2 weeks have drank 3 or 4 times, and last week end didn't end good after my binge and self destruction, so i've been recovering all week and only just starting to feel okay again. I think attending alanon will help me with my own drinking in itself, as most of my issues are with my mum and my own boundaries etc, plus i am going to access some help with my own drinking with a local organisation.
I have decided that even communicating with her is no good for me anymore, it's a kick in the teeth every time. So 6 months apart i think is what we need (with no communication at all) and 6 months alanon for me before even considering communicating with her. Even yesterday i textd her asking if she wanted to come for some dinner this wk end (to say good bye) & she text back & suggested weatherspoons.(so she could have a drink) so I said 'I'm inviting you to MINE'...& she said she was doing a car boot both days but could come in the afternoon (today) i asked her who she was doing a car boot with & she said 'angel' her lodgers 11 year old daughter... this cuts like a knife because i am there thinking of her & seeing her before i go & she is there doing stuff with a little girl. She even picks her up from school because her dad (mums lodger) is at work....she didn't even used to pick me up from school. Not only does she reject, ignore, neglect me but to kick me more she does stuff for this little girl... she always says to me 'you're just jelous' and maybe i am, but is that such a bad thing when i try so much to build some kind of relationship with her even after all her abuse and neglect and she's not interested but she is interested in doing stuff with this little girl. Very hurtful.
Nesh, I'm sorry to hear the way your sister treated you, you sound so strong, sounds like you're much better off without her. When i move (within the next few weeks) i am going to change my number then, that way i can have a clear head and do alanon without any distractions.
I do keep expecting things from her that she can't give, and i think i'm starting to understand that i'm only hurting myself in the process.. as painful as it is to let go, i need to do this before i end up insane. I am so close.
-- Edited by qwerty49 on Saturday 7th of September 2013 08:42:19 AM
