The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I'm sure there are many topics on this...But I just need some guidance. In March 2012 I met this guy in recovery. He didn't appeal to me at all at first, it wasn't until I got to know him that I started liking him. Well he didn't want a relationship then due to his living situation and I was fine with that because he had 1 year of sobriety. We stayed friends and started seeing each other again this past April. It's amazing to see him progress; he now has his own place, car, good job. and two years sober. He's hinted sometimes that he wouldn't mind being in a relationship now and things like that. My thing is I know his recovery needs to be number one. It's a life long thing. Eventually I would like to pursue things with him when I feel like we're both ready, but I've never dated anyone in recovery and I don't know how that process goes. How does a relationship fit in with sobriety? I don't want to hold him back and I want to help him with his recovery, but I don't know ways I can.
Also, could I please have some clarity. I understand he is busy due to his job AND recovery. But my friends don't think recovery takes up a lot of time in someones schedule. I beg to differ because I know he helps host meetings and such. Am I correct about this?
I'm sorry if these questions are silly. This is my first time ever having feelings for someone in recovery and he isn't only a crush, but a great friend.
-- Edited by Sage on Friday 30th of August 2013 12:21:45 AM
I don't think your questions are silly. I also don't have any E/S/H on dating anybody in recovery since I haven't done that and probably wouldn't.
I can say that I do agree with you that recovery can take up a lot of time in somebody's recovery. I know folks who spend a large portion of their lives in AA and I say - "Great!" If that keeps them sober and alive and growing, that's the best thing going for them.
I also think the best way to help a friend in recovery is for us to be in recovery and working our program and that is my E/S/H.
Good luck. Perhaps others can answer some of your other questions, Sage. Thanks for posting. Glad you're here.
TAKE IT SLOOOOOW....if its really a true friendship it will last for a very long time....I think you should also read the steps of Alanon and find out what its all about, it will be helpful to understand him and the disease...In Support of a Great relationship to be, Oldergal
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Aloha Sage...My suggestion is for you to learn as much about alcoholism, addiction and abuse as you can. You can start right here and scroll back ward in time and read thru the posts that others have brought here looking for help. Alcoholism is the most cunning, powerful and baffling disease on this planet and it thousands of year old. Having a realtionship with an alcoholic...sober or not will mean that you are not and will not be the main focus in the relationship. If he drinks you will be second to the chemical. If he wants to live thru this often fatal disease his focus will be on staying sober first and foremost. He will have a program for life which is primary and within that program he will have a sponsor and a power greater than himself, his sponsor and you. In order to have a relationship with him he has to stay alive. How do you learn as much as you can about Alcoholism? There are many sources of information...The internet where you can contact the AMA or American Medical Association and other such Associations. You can contact NAIII or the National Alcoholism Institute. I went to college on it and learned a ton about it and about me; sometimes both in the same lesson. You will need to learn how to love him, like having him around and not need him. He has a life threatening disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the both. Alcohol affects every organ it touches and alcoholism affects everything and one it comes into contact with. His recovery...like all of ours is a daily thing...we don't get guarantees and those of us who have been friends, family, associates and spouses of alcoholics also life that one day at a time process. We need to learn how to do what they do and that is why the Al-Anon Family Groups program is almost, and not quite, the same as AA's. Face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups is the best place (for me because that is where I started) to learn about living with an alcoholic and the disease.
I wish you well and I am in support that it works our for you both. It has for others. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I have learned a little about it and I know I have so much to learn. I know that this guy is amazed that I've never done a drug ever and don't really drink ever. So I think we learn a lot from each other. I was nervous because I've never thought I would like someone who had a disease like this. Now I don't let it factor into my feelings; I just understand that recovery takes priority in everything. Two years is amazing, but he also has his whole life to recover! One of my friends in recovery told me that 3-4% of your time is probably dedicated to recovery and I thought that was weird. It may be naive of me to think, but I think it should take over a big part of your daily life.
I think this is the slowest I've ever taken things with someone, but I feel like we both just aren't at the point in life for something to happen right away. I wan't to graduate next year and start my career and I want him to be at the best point in his life and getting starting on his aspirations.
I say my questions are silly because I'm not recovery, but I would like to understand more. He talks about his addiction with me that went beyond alcohol. It's just something I want to learn more about and how it correlates with a romantic relationship. I used to work at a rehab and it's scary to see addicts put a person above their recovery and I never want that!
