The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Admitted I was powerless over alcoholism"....((((Irukan))))...your life has changed because you wanted it to change and his goes on because that is his choice. His drinking; the how, what, where, why and with who is his choice and you are not as important as alcohol and the ism to him. It's his choice. I had to be in Al-Anon in order to get this an a whole lot more to teach me and guide me into detachment and proper expectations. I drank with my alcohlic/addict wife; my alcoholic/addict wife drank with me. She chased my drinking and I started to use drugs with her. How it came out and came to an end for me and then us was that she got drunker sicker much faster than I did and was supposed to be a good time out became another horror story for both of us. I came to understand and accept her drinking and using when I came to understand alcoholism and substance abuse. I am alcoholic and haven't had a drink in 34+ years. I know that she got sober in the past and now I know nothing about it. I fixed me who is all I had the time, ability and facility to fix in the first place and then at one time only barely. I needed everything and everyone I ever learned and came into contact with in both Al-Anon and the AA also. What helps me accept drinking today is understanding my part in it and the consenquences and then stopping that. I was a great supporter of alots of other drinkers, drunks and alcoholics and when I stopped they had to adjust and change because my enabling was over.
Accept the drinking because it is...it just is; in your life still because of your choices for today. Accept it because it is a fact of life and because you know first hand how it starts and runs and now how it ended for you. Congradulations on you sober time. I hope you are not trying recovery on your own. It works much much better to sit with others in recovery and to just listen and then find your head nodding up and down in understanding as someone else tells all or part of your story with the part about where and when it changes. When I remember coming to the expectation that I actually would never ever drink and use again my soul cheers...Free at last...Free at last...Thank GOD I'm free at last. I know how MLK felt when he shouted that...I felt the same elation and I hope you do also.
You are powerless over him and the other drinkers and users in your life. You are not God and even if you were most alcoholics and addicts would just blow you off also for the next shot or hit. It's better not to be thinking you're God or have any power over this millenia long disease. When he wants a drink...get him a glass of water or a soda. He will drink...best to accept it and if he refuses...best to be surprised.
You're doing good...I'm in support of that continuing. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 29th of August 2013 08:57:06 PM
I've been down this road before, but I could really use some help thinking this part through. What is my next right action, since all I can control is me?
I quit drinking on January 1, 2012, but my drinking buddy, my AH, did not. As I am still in our marriage, I need a strategy I am comfortable with regarding his drinking.
What I don't feel comfortable with in me is that when I get home I check to see if he is drinking today. Then I try to adjust my expectations, try to remind myself of boundaries, try to remember that he is an active drinker that does not (in his heart) think he should drink less or none. As an example, he told me that this week he will not drink. Then his friend arranged a drinking time with him, so he started to drink a day early. When we were at the store and he said that he's getting a bottle of wine, I cringe. Then he'll give me a kiss - before he starts his drinking. He knows I won't kiss him after - it just smells acrid and I also have made it part of "my stand" in secret hopes that he'll miss kissing me and drink less. Yeah, I know.
When I see him drinking, I am thinking to myself that he is being a hypocrite. But he's not really - it's just that he never feels disappointed in himself for drinking, and feels free to change his mind (fancy that!). Totally opposite from my way, which had been to beat myself up as I was drinking or the day after. Then I think that not only is he a hypocrite, but that he is a liar and doesn't respect me or our relationship.
How do others deal with this? Do they just assume everyone else drinks, it doesn't matter, even if it puts our plans on another level once they start?
He's doing what an alcoholic does. The disease is doing what it does. He won't stop drinking because he gets to kiss you less. I second what you already know. You're uncomfortable with his drinking. He's not uncomfortable with it. You were uncomfortable with your drinking. You sought help for it. The only thing in an active alcoholic's mind is the next drink in my experience. Boundaries for me would include the assumption that he is drinking or he will drink and I will do what I agreed and wanted to do with or without him if I planned on living with him. I, however, no longer live with active As. That's how I dealt with it. I couldn't live with it. There are others here who do live with it and I'm sure they'll respond.
Lots of encouragement and support for you. I know from experience how difficult these situations can be. I also know that Al-Anon does help us deal with this disease and our As in ways that help release us from watching them, checking on their drinking status, or changing our plans to suit them or to accommodate their drinking habits. (((I)))
Yes, I should always assume he has or will drink, full stop. And that he will have a critical tongue that presses all my buttons. I am working on filling in those holes with love and kindness so that they are not so vulnerable to his statements and attitudes that hurt. But I'm wary of continually "fixing" myself so that his careless words can't hurt me. He keeps telling me that it's all my problem that I take offense to how he talks to me - he says I'm too sensitive, read into things, jump to conclusions, have wrong or crazy interpretations of what he says because I have an inferiority complex. No willingness to consider how the way he treats me and talks to me might be hurting me and wouldn't he consider the impacts of his words? The couples therapist gave him the messages about his behavior and gave me mine - but he only remembers being picked on and that I had vulnerabilities that are too hard to navigate.
Sometimes I wish the disease was just like someone that has a bad diet, knowing that they might have a heart attack someday as a result. It wouldn't smell, have social implications, nor have all the psychological symptoms.
Anyhow, yes, the drinking was uncomfortable to me. After trying to moderate for years, I quit cold turkey, with the help of a wonderful online community called "We Quit Drinking" warriors. They have a wealth of knowledge of AA, Al-Anon, SmartRecovery, CBT, etc. etc. and are highly supportive during the early quit and help transition to true recovery. I am still active in that forum, helping others but also keeping in mind how astounding my choice has been - that I'm sticking with! My amazement has been greatly tempered by my AH, who to this day thinks it was a bad choice, since he sees it as ruining our marriage. He wouldn't celebrate sobriety milestones with me, and would get upset when our friends would cheer me on instead of feeling sorry for him.
Wow, I still have a ways to go. Not sure if I can live with an alcoholic. But I love him, and he sounds like he wants to work on our relationship. I need to focus on myself - through the program and through celebrating that I'm FREE AT LAST!!!
It's just a personal boundary. It's not written anywhere that you have to accept it. You are free to leave the relationship. I personally would not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I cannot do that and stay sane (as a recovering alcoholic and having been in relationships with other alcoholics before). This sounds like one of those situations where you aren't sure if he's an alcoholic or a heavy drinker so maybe you are questioning if the issue is yours? You might try getting feedback from AA as well since I'm not sure if the issue is really "As an alcoholic, how do I deal with other people's normal or heavy drinking?"
