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Since my last posting, I had the alcoholic b/f that was abusing me to extreme, arrested! Yes, by the grace of god, I was believed by the police and now he sits in jail. The court is going by indictment, meaning over 2 years in jail if found guilty. He has pleasd NG. Today I finished my victim impact statement and sent it out and I am experiencing a variety of emotions and thoughts. From relief, that the nightmare is over and I am free to anxiety of court. I am trying to focus jsut on today but my mind keeps wondering to the abuse and what he did. It was extreme!! I rather not share details right now. Lets just say, I am alive and I am very grateful. When you face death in the face, it changes you. Was this what my higher power wanted me to experience so I can appriciate all that I have today, life? I do not know nor do I wnat to know. I am alive and that is the most important thing. I see everything around me in a new light! I appriciate me so much more, down to being able to see the sky, and grass! I am very lucky! The good thing is now being alone, I am so happy! I do not have to worry about being hit, yelled, sworn at, called down again! I can come and go as I wish and talk to whome I wish! Freedom to be me never felt so good! I am not lonly in any way either! I find I have so much more enegy now than before. I can think clearer. I am so grateful to be out of the nighmare! I am gaining strength at last. I will need every once of it when I face him in court! I am filled with such anxiety over court and having to face him again! I just want closure to this chapter of my life. I am really working hard on recovery, through 12 step work and therapy and domestic violence group support! Its been hard work, a rollercoaster! Despite all my work, I still think about this alcoholic and have love in my heart for him! I miss the good times we shared. There was some, but I have to remember what he did and how he did it! Cheated, lied, abused, degraded, and made me believe I was crazy! I think I still romantacise in my mind that I could have a relationship with someone that nearly killed me! I have work to do yet! I have to detach and detach and detach! I am still a work in progress. I am still on a emotional rollercoaster! I do hope soon, it will stop by the mountains with an ocean next to it!
Hi. Glad you made it out with the guidance of your HP. Glad you feel so free. I felt the same way after my divorce decree. Fortunately, you have only today to concern yourself with and today it sounds as if you're having a really good day. As far as the future, if you're in Al-Anon and have a good, healthy strong sponsor you might ask her to go with you to the courtroom. You don't have to go alone. You made a brave choice in having him arrested. There are Domestic Assault counselors you can also talk with if you aren't already seeing one. I would think one of them would gladly go with you to court - or even more than 1? Until then, I do hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings and seeing somebody, too, who can help you heal from this traumatic event you've gone through with the x bf. Courtroom drama itself can feel pretty traumatic. Again - you don't need to do any of this alone. Women, victimized by abusers, are always safer when there are strong and healthy people around them. I know. I was one.
As you said, people don't always believe us. That may be due to the emotional reaction involved for the onlookers. But, DA gets it and so do your Al-Anon peeps. Keep coming back, friend. We're here with you.
Please be sure to take care of you .. if it is to much to face him ask the victims advocate or domestic violence shelter advocate to hold your hand. He may not have to be present that is something to be discussed and what are the benefits to you. You do not have to do this alone. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((((Joker))))) I am grateful for your share because I can rehear the support I got when I first got into program and the miracles that came from following that support. I can hear my elder sponsor tell me when I was living thru the problems caused by the disease "Run it thru the filter of the Serenity Prayer"..."Pray for courage and wisdom". I hear it again in your share here and I am grateful for your courage to change the things you could and the wisdom to continue to follow thru with what you should and what you shouldn't. Stay with it...use the filter until you find closure. You sound like you are serene now and are assured that the past is the past (you cannot change the past...you can only accept it) until you face the present and use the courage to change what you can so that it will never happen again. It should have never happened at all and then I could should all over the disease of alcoholism and it would make the disease any easier to live with or any less insane going on.
You did good...real good. The suggestion that you have support inside of the court room is a best of suggestion...sponsor, fellow members, advocate. If I were there I would be an advocate and fellow Al-Anon member. I have been in family and criminal court for just these occasions and I have also stood by while an alcoholic father got 30 years for his sexual abuse of his daughters. I have also ushered other men into the court system as they attemtpted to use violence in all forms to power and control others...women, families, others. One of my mantras is "There is -NO- justification for violence. There are more than a few men who are grateful to have learned that from inside of my Alternatives to Violence group work.
I am proud of you...I am happy with you...I am happy and glad you remain alive an might be supporting other possible and probable victims of violence such as yours. I pray you get the opportunity to speak out loudly against it and it's purpetrators. I will keep this share in my "There it can be done" memory file.
You are no Joker...You're for real. (((((hugs)))))