The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is embarrassing, Lee, for our spouse and for our kids' Dad, to be sleeping in his car. I knew somebody who ended up deciding he'd had enough of sleeping in cars and stopped drinking. He didn't enter AA, so he remained a dry drunk on Antabuse which is no longer considered helpful for sobriety since it works on the liver only and not on the disease's progression, but dry was better than drunk.
If the kids aren't already going, Alateen would be a good place for them and I'm sure you already know that, so I'll just second your knowledge.
Sounds like you've had a lot on your plate for a lot of years and I'll bet it feels like heaven to have an active A in his car and out of the peace of the home. I couldn't live with my AH or my AS and their disease either. I learned to stop feeling embarrassed about their behaviors and consequences and learned I am responsible only for my choices and those consequences. Divorcing one and asking the other to leave were two healthy choices for me. I'd be dead or insane if I hadn't made those choices. What they did with their freedom was theirs to decide. I got to choose what I did with mine. Sounds like you are making those same healthy choices. Good for you, LeeMarie
PS: My x chose to live like a pauper and made a lot more money than me. Why, I don't know. Figure he used his pay for partying, drugs and booze. He spent it on what he wanted to spend it on. He lived in dives, but didn't need to do that. Didn't matter to me where he lived. I just wanted support for the kids and did what I could to gain it. He belly ached about it, but the courts didn't care. They garnished his wages. Some men(read parents/spouses) don't want to pay child support, so they hide their money, too. That's been my experience. In the end, like Tom says, the whys can drive us crazy. Its the whats that can help us get and stay safe and healthy.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of August 2013 12:44:58 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 29th of August 2013 12:46:32 PM
It is heartbreaking what becomes of the alcoholic, especially for the sober who remember what they were like before the disease took over.
My X, who recently passed away was also living in his car, some people found him in his car unconscious and took him to the ER. he was laid off 5 years before from a job that he had for 27 years and could not find another job. I know he went on countless interviews, sober, I know because I drove him to a few. He was working for cash at this auto dealership, which gave him enough for food and eventually booze again. He loved to work. It kept his mind off the drinking.
When he lost his apartment, he went to sober living and the conditions were so bad there,(bed bugs) he started to live in his car where it was cleaner. It was difficult to think of him living in his car, butI had to detach from it.
I dont think your husband is trying to embarrass anybody. They can't think past that next drink , Your husband was setting himself up so he didnt have to pay rent and all his money would go on the one thing that controls them, Alcohol. He just needed the fuel , you kicking him out. Poor, poor, pitiful me, guess I will just have another drink. The mind does not work logically anymore. I hope he will find recovery.
It took a lot of strength and courage to make him leave . I know, but now its time for your recovery. Use the tools of Alanon to bring you to serenity. There is nothing you can do for him, but there is something you can do for YOU!
Keep coming back , post as much as you want, I want to know how it all turns out for you.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 29th of August 2013 03:29:03 PM
My AH left our home after I filed a court order to force him out. He had 1 month to make arrangements but he stormed off one night and just never came back. We didn't know where is was until my kids friends (my kids are all mid - late teens) informed us they saw him living in his car in a parking lot in our small town. My kids were very embarrassed by this so I took matters into my own hands and called his family. His family filnally convinced him to stay with one of them for now. Here's my question - why would he live in his car, out in the open in our very small everyone-knows-everyone-else town, when he has a job to pay rent and siblings to live with? I know he's an alcoholic, but can someone explain this to me? It's so illogical. Is he trying to embarrass us? Make us feel sorry for him? Even after everything he's done to me, I cried my eyes out at the thought of him living in his car. What happened to the happy, confident, responsible, handsome boy I met 30 years ago?
My wise old sponsor used to remind me to focus on the "whats" and not the "whys", as the whys will eat us up... (simply put - if we really knew the answer to the question we are losing sleep over, would it really change anything??)
In a nutshell, we have to stop expecting sick and irrational people to make healthy and rational decisions...
He is doing what he is doing, and making the decisions he is making - because his addiction is making him sick and irrational...
So enough about him.... what are YOU doing about YOUR recovery from all this insanity??
Keep on coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom. I do go to F2F meetings. I guess I knew the alanon answer to my question. It's just frustrating. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to make him leave. I spent 25 years literally taking care of him. I did it so that me and the kids could all recover from the chaos that comes from living with an alcoholic. It just seems like that chaos continues to follow us; it's just not in our house anymore. I'm having a bad day today I guess.
I try not to figure it out anymore. It's so a waste of my time and I will worry too much. I just take care of me and learn the tools needed to do that.
I know what your going though so I'm happy your here....because here you are not alone.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Tom's response is what works for me and worked for me when I first got into Al-Anon. My sponsor told me that in regard to the disease and my lack of acceptance and awareness the only possible answer to the question why was another question why. I stopped asking why after that. Everytime I heard my mind getting ready to ask the question why I didn't ask it and just listened to the solutions others were talking about. In time I got the picture that people (drunk or not) do what they do because they think at the time that it is what's best for them to do under their perceptions. I understand isolation...being to myself...being away from others. I understand fear and panic and confusion about making choices for myself and then just going with what was most convenient for me at the time. I understand new ideas and awarenessess from doing things I never ever thought I would do before...One of the greatest alcoholic skills is survivorship...maybe not in the way "normies" understand it and then it can be honestly said that "normal to the alcoholic is drunk" period. Alcoholics can act drunk and never be within 100 miles of a drink in the moment. Alcohol affects everything it comes into contact with...him and you and the family. Sponsorship taught me to turned my question why on myself. That was the only sure way I could find an honest answer, "Why do I do what I do"? "Why do I do it the way that I do it"? I am responsible for the consequences of my actions and decisions only...If there is one person I need to know the answers to the why questions to...it is me alone; not saying that the abnormal behavior of the alcoholic can be absolutely dismissed when we start into our own recovery. We are affected and will continue to be affected until we are not by choice.
I can say a bit about him in the car and alone because of inspite of some differences only..."There but for the grace of God went I". with some humor...it might just be temporary unless he trades the car for a station wagon, camper or bus. I've seen it done. LOL (((hugs)))
