The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned, and understand the benefits of detaching from my AH, and am working on that, (I'm a work in progress for sure). But, and for various reasons including his drinking over the years, I have no contact with my family and no close friendships, so now that I have detached from him I feel utterly alone and totally detached emotionally from everyone. Is this how it's suppose to be?
Hi, Charlotte. Welcome to the board. I can't say if this is how it's supposed to be. Every family is different. I can say that when I entered Al-Anon and the disease progressed in my family of origin and in my AS, I did find myself in a position where I had/have little contact with most family members and close friends numbered less - part of that was my age with friends. Some died of cancer and others moved. I have felt utterly alone and detached emotionally from my past relationships. Devastating at first and sometimes things still hurt. Yet, I've also learned that in some ways I was enmeshed with my family of origin - and estrangement was actually a positive shift - strange as that might sound. Some of my friendships needed to end because I had grown and some friends had not or we wanted different things in relationship and had to admit it. Other friendships were not really friendships at all - just acquaintances - and those I can make in grocery stores or workshops. In many ways, for me, it has been like cutting ties to what is over in my life now and freeing me to continue to grow towards wholeness and serenity. I have learned that what I need is always provided and what I no longer need to thrive is gone. And that doesn't mean I don't grieve and it doesn't mean I don't get discouraged or down sometimes either. That, too, is part of the process of becoming more real and more true to my Higher Self.
Glad you're here. Others will share. Keep coming back.
I am new to the process of Al-Anon but I too have 'distanced' myself from my friends and family. I am afraid if I told them what was going on I would feel shameful of my situation. I imagine them saying things to me like "you deserve better" "why do you put up with his *%$#?" "he is never going to change" "he lost ANOTHER job?" and I am just about ready to face my own reality.
When I finally told some people about what is going on, I felt better. I was trying to be strong and independent when what I really needed to be was open with the people that care about me most.
You are never alone if you write your thoughts down in a journal. It is the best (free) therapy around.
Oh thank you grateful2be, I am really lonely and depressed today, I know it will pass and that I will be healthier and happier in the future...just having a tough day.
You're welcome, Charlotte. It will pass and meetings usually help me or contact with Al-Anon folks in another way. I've also learned to change what I can and if I can't change my thoughts or feelings, I change my body's position and go to the store, into my garden, into my basement to do laundry or consider what I can do to bring a little surprise into somebody's life. It helps me. Don't know if it will help you. Sometimes, I just need to feel my feelings and let HP take it from there. (((C))) Keep coming back.
((((Charlotte)))) Pinkchip says it simplest...rebuild family from inside of the Family Groups and keep learning about yourself. What you explain doesn't sound like detaching with love for me and my experience in program. I use to do this and it was called detaching with disinterest. I was depressed and kept to myself until I learned it was okay to call others and ask the question "Hey what's up" ("Sup...for short"). I would get the question "Sups with you"? and I could go on from there. No I learned not to respond as the whiner or the complainer or stuff like that...some times I responded with "I cut myself off a bit and was wondering how things were going...last time I heard..." It would be like a continued conversation. I detached from my family because my family was the tap root of the disease in my life and I was trying to change my life. That hasn't change in anyway still. I was the only one in my family who came to recognize that there was an very very large elephant in the living room of our family home and then went to get help for the consequences of family denial. My family is still sick and it is progressing. Today I have choices and I have consequences of my choices...I look at the consequences I want first and then...I make the choice to get that consequence. When I reattach with my family they have a reaction that I don't drinking any more and am not married to anyone who drinking and uses anymore....Go figure. I got a smaller living room too.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 29th of August 2013 09:29:31 PM
Good, Charlotte. That's the best help you can get to keep yourself and your kids afloat. You're right, you can't keep his boat from sinking if he doesn't want it to float. Detachment is a necessary tool and it isn't something we can always do in love at first. The more Al-anon meetings we attend and the more literature we read and the more we learn, the more we can detach in love.
In my family of origin, I was rejected by my drinking siblings a few years ago. None of it made any sense to me, but alcoholism doesn't make sense. Detachment in love for me then was to let them do what they did without fighting for something different with them. I wasn't happy about it. As I said, I was devastated by it. And then, I saw it in a new way. I still have times when I feel sorrow about it all since I do love my brothers and sisters a lot and love to see them, too, drinking or otherwise - but, the disease has a way of making that impossible sometimes no matter how much we love our family members - no matter how much we wish things could be different. I content myself with praying for them and trusting HP to bring us back together again if that is HP's will for us. Just like your relationship to your husband, there's not much more you can do than to pray for him, don't fight him about what he thinks he wants, and get on with your life with the help of Al-Anon.
One more little thing, your husband drinks because he drinks. He doesn't drink because he's stressed. He doesn't drink because of you. He drinks because he has a disease that to date he's chosen not to get help for what is his real problem - his drinking. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. His clinging has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the manifestations of his disease. (((C)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 30th of August 2013 12:13:51 AM
I believe actually going to alanon meetings and connecting with peers there is the best way to break the isolation. That's ideally how it works I think.
Thank you for your fellowship. Boosted me up and to work and to my sons football game and them more work...no tears. no fights with A. I'll take that. We sat together in the stands...I bet folks thought we were normal.
The detach verses disinterest is going to be tricky for me. Soon after I started to detach, my A H got kinda clingy and I wanted no part of that and was happily disinterested in him and that. That sequence stressed him and drives him to drink. I feel sad but after 16 years of this cycle I figure if his ship is going to sink, I can't stop it, but I can keep myself and kids afloat.
I hope and plan to go to al-anon soon. I went to one right after I saw the alcohol problem in my home and I was so emotional I didn't get much out of it. Time to go back.
Again, thank you. I have and will continue to read this...it's so helpful to me.
I am sorting through years of his drinking (I thought because he could not handle life when it got tough) and then (because he was drunk and passed out) him being unreliable for me and the boys and then convincing me that I was the problem and that I needed medical treatment for my anxiety/irritability. I am feeling a lot of resentment for that (and I am just not comfortable feeling resentful) and seeing the years of manipulation that happened in our marriage. I am trying to see the difference between his actions and the actions he took as he was driven by the alcoholism, but it gets cloudy for me.
That's why I am glad you are choosing Al-Anon for yourself now, Charlotte. Without it - our confusion, tracking them, our frustration, resentment and anger continues to grow - not because we are bad people or because the A is a bad person - but because that is what the disease does to us. Al-Anon helps us to recover ourselves from the affects of the disease whether or not the A keeps drinking. Keep coming back, Charlotte. Glad you're here.
