The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is apparent that you are truly working your program It is sad to witness a friend or loved one loose some mobility You did well in suggesting her options and now it is time to Let go and Let God. Remembering that we are powerless over others it is most important to live in the moment and in the day
Continue to enjoy your vacation
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 29th of August 2013 12:47:24 PM
Need some help from you all with communicating with my A. We are on a trip which we have taken for the last 20 yrs. It involves alot of walking. She is at a life-threatening weight. Some of this occurred due to her excessive drinking. I have commented to her, especially last night, about her losing her mobility and this is something she can have complete control over. We had to find places where she could rest. I think I did Ok in that I was not angry or controlling or telling her what to do. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to not say anything or is it OK to give "I" statements (I am worried because)? She seems to be hearing me better and even agreed with me. However, I think I have learned not to expect her to change. This is such a sad situation-to see a human being destroying herself. I think what is different is that I'm not devastated or angry or resentful. I kind of feel at peace. Lyne
Hi, Lyne. I used to be very overweight while married to my x. People were always trying to help me "lose weight" in varying ways - some pointed and some mean and some "concerned." All that outside help did was make me feel worse about what I couldn't control at the time. Even weight loss is an inside job and the answer to it comes from the inside. After I lost a ton of weight - this was my experience - the same people who were picking at me before my weight loss - were picking at me after my weight loss about something else. We just don't get to know if somebody is truly destroying themselves or helping themselves inside from a worse fate. My weight was protecting me from being savagely beaten more often by a jealous husband. All the talk in the world wasn't going to change my weight. I needed it to survive.
So, to answer your question - given my own experience - I'd spend more time pointing out what I saw to be my loved ones strengths and healthy choices while I worked on my own issues (and we all have them) than I would trying to help them see what they could do to improve themselves.
I have made those mistakes myself in relationship to my loved ones - just kept my focus on them and not me. Much support for you as you continue to work your program. I think the slogan I'd use in relationship to my loved one in this regard would be this: "Live and let live."
All great responses, Lyne. For me, working in the healthcare profession for 30 plus years, it is especially difficult to be quiet. Quiet I must be, after I have expressed my genuine concerns. I realized a time ago, one of the reasons I wanted my husband to be healthy is I didn't want to care for him in a sickly state due to his negligence. Of course, I can choose not to if that time comes, but my thinking was still pretty sick when I was nagging him. It was about me, not him. As I have taken in the program, I remind myself, I do not know what agreements he has with his higher power and it is none of my business. I have bitten the ends of my tongue off many times. I exercise good self care for me and am now noticing that he is taking better care of him, also. This would not have happened, though, without our recovery programs. Take good care.
You can say whatever you like if you say it nicely and calmly. The question is how many times can you say it.
I'm sure you have expressed how you feel and she knows. Now time to let go of it, even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done.
Powerless is what we are. I take care of my Mom , who has dementia. The Dr. has told her, you need to walk at least for 10 minutes a day. I have asked her, Mom, you want to walk Or lets go for a walk. She just won't. I have stopped asking.
I told the Dr. I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to get her to walk. I'm tired of hearing myself. I don't ask anymore.The consequences will be her's not mine.
I am powerless over people, places, things, this was the best lesson I could have learned coming into Alanon. I'm still learning.
. I exercise good self care for me and am now noticing that he is taking better care of him, also. This would not have happened, though, without our recovery programs. Take good care.