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my mum has texted me saying she would love to say to me that she doesn't drink anymore and that she has to do it in her own time and she was looking forward to coming to Cornwall with me to help me get set up.(because i'm moving there) but after her abuse i said she's not coming....BUT I don't want to go alone, I'm so scared.....and i'm upset now because i feel horrible i'm starting to think shall i say she can come with me when i first go for a week but then if she wants to come back she will have to come back sober or i won't want to know. Is this a good idea, or is she pushing my boundaries again if i give in? I'd prefer to have someone with me when i go, and maybe once i'm there i can carry on the meetings and start getting help for myself (with 'my' binge drinking) and i could then stick to what i say (about how she can only return sober)...
Don't let fear dictate a rash decision....you know, intuitively, that having your mom there would probably be a disaster (look at the interaction and craziness that happened just the other day, simply meeting for lunch!).
Trust your intuition...and trust your self...you have everything you need to make the move on your own...(only my opinion after reading your post the other day)
I say this because I have made decisions when I was afraid of being alone...and they have always turned out bad. I would have been much better off trusting in my own abilities to take things as they came...and problem solve my way through...instead...I had to deal with all that stuff AND the craziness of other people...I woulld have been better off by myself.
sending strength with my 2 cents (trust yourself!)
:) yeh i know, you're right it's so hard though as she was my guarantor for the place i'm moving into (mistake i know) but i think she was under the impression that she could holiday at mine whenever she wanted, i think even i was too (without thinking it through properly)
I've just challenged her on why she sent me a text message saying 'rich' on the 10th August at 9pm she said 'i don't know must have started a text but sent it by accident..I'm not sure i believe her though...
...today she textd saying she was selling her house (150 grand house) where she has lodgers in.. i think she tries to control me with money because she can't give emotionally... only just starting to realize all this..
I've even had it thrown against me by her (you've been given too much you have.....) and other family members (you've had too much given to you)
TBH my ppi is taking longer than i thought so i'm panicking about loosing the place i've applied for. They are expecting me to move in by the latest next week but it could be the 20th Sept before i get my ppi money (which i need for my deposit & first months rent) so i could ask my mum to lend me it till i get my ppi and then say she can come for a week.... I know how dysfunctional this all sounds as i type it i know it's crazy.... but i think once i'm there i can really focus on me, and i doubt i will b able to put up with her coming on visits drinking every eve...
I agree, trust your intuition and you can do this without your mom. You are really never alone, lonely perhaps, but not alone. The group here has pretty big shoulders to help hold you up. Stay close and you will get through. As soon as you can, attend al anon meetings...the online meetings here will help, also. (((hugs)))
I've just textd her saying that 'I've been thinking and i feel mean not letting you have your holiday when you took me away for my birthday and have been guarantor for me, so i want you to come for a week and enjoy yourself in whatever way you wish, but after that is when my boundaries start and i won't allow you to stay if you're still drinking'.
I need to be able to live with myself tomorrow with the decisions i make today, i read that earlier and if i didn't allow her to come and have her holiday like she wanted and thought after what she'd done for me and something happened to her i couldn't live with myself. I know it's living in the what ifs, but i really mean what i say when i say i won't allow her to stay after that. I will be living in Cornwall (300 miles away from here) and start a new life for myself.....
Nice example of listening to yourself and acting on what you hear, q, for today. I do wonder if starting Al-Anon meetings before you move to Cornwall - if you haven't already - would make your transition and life changes easier for you? We do have on-line meetings to attend here if you haven't already been attending those, too? Waiting until you get to Cornwall is a personal choice that only you can make and I still find myself wondering if delaying those meetings isn't causing you some angst, too? Whatever you decide, to start Al-Anon meetings or to delay going to them until you move, much encouragement and support for you as you work to re-establish yourself more independently as you've stated you wanted to do. (((Q)))
qwerty...see if there are any Al-Anon meeting in Cornwall and if there are call and see if there is anyone in membership who can help you relocate. Around the world...we are family. If you were coming here under the same conditions there would be a handful ready to support your start. Just suggesting. ((((hugs))))
She would love to tell you that she isn't drinking anymore is a huge piece of reality..."If nothing changes...nothing changes".
(((q) I'm so glad! Thank you for the update. That is progress since you first starting posting, too!!!!! You're coming along one day at a time and one step at a time, too. Good for you, sister.
q...the family groups can and have stepped up in all sorts of ways including the love and support. We've helped load moving vans and sat thru court hearing and cooked meals and done hospital visits and all sorts of helpful stuff. I know about the increase in faith...I love that to no end. (((hugs)))
wow that's amazing, that's really nice.. thank you :) i'm thinking i've already made a huge mistake, she textd me back saying ''well i was going to drive so it's no good coming for 1 week i was going to come for 2 weeks'........ I said if that's the case then there is to be some serious boundaries..... thinking i've been too soft and should of just done it alone....now i've got the headache of my mum and her drama with me as well as moving... oh lord what have i done....
Your Mom driving - oh, gosh. This is the reason I don't want to drive on expressways.
As far as your boundaries and your Mom - you really don't have to continue the talk about the move, her visit, etc. I don't think she's planning on helping you with the move (unless I've missed that) and you can decide when it might work for her to visit after you're there and settled in. Considering the raging post I read at another thread, its time for you to let go of your end of the rope in relationship to your Mom - or suffer consequences you may not want to undergo. It's your choice, q, but if it were me I'd quit communicating with my Mom for awhile and concentrate on my recovery program - Now - not later on a daily basis.
I get the anger. I get the rage. No judgment here. Yet, I also see the disease is destroying you and I really do hope you will get yourself into recovery rooms in earnest sooner than later on a daily basis - sooner than later - for your sake. ACOA, Al-Anon and maybe the rooms of AA, too, considering your sharing with us that you have used alcohol and are considering using it, too.
It's all up to you, Q, and I hope you choose recovery and sanity for yourself - no matter what your Mom does or fails to do. It's not about her - it's about you. (((Q)))
haha :) that made me giggle grateful :) she used to get up and drive in the mornings as a job, i told her she was mad as she'd still be over the limit. Many times i've seen her drink drive, once i took a new boyfriend to meet her at hers for sunday lunch, we were a bit late (and she rang to moan) so we headed quickly over to her house, as we were pulling up she was pulling out in her car which was swerving all over the road, i told him to follow her and was SO embarrassed, & then at the shop tried to get her home asap.
I hear your real concern for me and i am thankful of that. I can't and am not going to carry on with her, i simply am going to (possibly) meet to say goodbye and that's it, i will move away and carry on the meetings. Even trying to say goodbye is becoming a drama, game, and manipulation. So that may not even happen, something i may live to regret, but i can't be bothered making the effort to go to her house (as i don't drive) and would have to spend a fiver and get 2 buses, and after her hurl of constant abuse i don't even want to. I've left it up to her to come to me, not sure if this is the right thing to do or not. But if she's able to make it to a car boot sale she can drive to my flat (5 miles away).
