The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes its a sad situation, but it doesnt have to be....
We cannot project what the future will bring, not even tomorrow. I am of the belief that you become what you think.
What you think is important as much as what you say and what you do, its all a balance. With your recovery comes hope for the future.
Tomorrow is another day, a chance to begin again for everyone, even the alcoholic. You never know what will happen in the next moment. Good things happen too.
Best to you ,
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 11:23:54 PM
Sitting on the couch with my son my ah and his a friend eating supper and watching a movie. Friend left son went to bed
And I realized. How sad this is. How sad that he keeps asking if I'm mad (I know he got off at 2 today and home at 5..then "worked" on boat til 7) he knows and I know what he does with his time. I keep telling him I'm not mad.
There's no reason to say more. It finally hit me. Im only thinking to myself......He's not wanting to change his drinking - I'm not gonna change my feelings about living with an alcoholic.... At some point I will walk away from him over his drinking - not today - who knows when - but it's so very sad that we both know this. And he can't or won't get help to prevent this from happening.
It's like an unspoken sadness came over the room and us in it.
We both know. I'm working my program and giving my son tools to deal with these behaviours and hopefully it'll be enough that he makes better choices and has more knowledge than his dad and papaws etc.
All the anger and embarrassment turned to sadness. Over a very sick man. That I love but know there's a good chance I can't stay to watch his disease kill him.
Maybe he'll get help before our son graduates (10 yrs) I'm just tryin to stay that long with my program in full force to save me and my child from the disease (sanity and knowledge- my goals)
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I guess I truly am understanding the demon-like illness. I wasted a lot of tears and anger .... Maybe I understand more is why the sadness of it hit me tonight. What a horrible disease this is to take over ppl and families.
I'm being quiet and still and feel my HP working in my heart !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
but it's so very sad that we both know this. And he can't or won't get help to prevent this from happening. It's like an unspoken sadness came over the room and us in it. We both know. I'm working my program and giving my son tools to deal with these behaviours and hopefully it'll be enough that he makes better choices and has more knowledge than his dad and papaws etc. All the anger and embarrassment turned to sadness. Over a very sick man.
yes, it is sad and its OK to feel that sadness and grief/sorrow so you come to that quiet place of acceptance and you make whatever decisions you need to make to make yours and your children's life better.......its OK...Much as I hate to see someone sad, its beats not being able to feel at all......If it helps, keep posting on here and letting it out...sometimes I do that....I had a "sadness" time wash over me and I did several long posts on another poster's thread b/c it touched my feelings in me........we are here , listening......sending you a cyber cuppa tea...:(
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
For me it has been the hardest situation to be in. My husband has been sober now for almost 6 weeks, but he is still irritable, looks at me weird and I get nervous carrying on a conversation with him. The alcohol real messes with them while they are using and when they get sober. Will we ever get our spouses/sisters/brothers/parents back the way they were? I would say no. Good luck and good thoughts are being sent your way.
Jenny
((hugs)) for you and your son. You could have been me years ago. My DDs are now in high school, one recently graduated and starting college. I remember saying the same things. I've grown a bit since then. I'm braver, well braver compared to.
At that time I would do anything to avoid it. I would do anything to keep from angering him, or triggering a mood. My number one fear was that my DDs would follow suit. From the time they could understand the concept of alcohol I would explain to them what alcohol is, and
the danger of being addicted. While parents were teaching children about the drinking driving, drinking pregnancy or whatever I was teaching my kids about drinking and addiction. I explained that the chances of them becoming addicted and being like him were better than not. I at the time smoked cigarettes , was addicted to those. So they had to be very careful . I started this even before they could understand what addiction meant. They did know they hated the way he acted.
We are in the same boat today. The only difference is I don't smoke cigarettes.
While I was writing this I was interrupted by my oldest DD. We are getting ready to leave on a camping trip for my AH oldest daughter, she is getting married. We have not gone camping with him for about 10 years. The reason is .... yes, his drinking. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather be home in the comfort of my own home while he drank, than to be stranded in the wilderness. He knows why I don't go, I've told him. He is doing his best to make us all comfortable with air mattresses and so on. I reminded him: "I would be so down for doing this again, if you could just leave your love for drink alone."
"what does that mean?" he asked.
"you know what it means" I said. That was it.... for a while.
He then began trying to pick a fight with me. I didn't take the bait. Not happening.
I was proud of myself until about 5 minutes ago when my oldest started in on me, asking when will we be able to address this. I don't even want to go on this trip, she said. I hate this I'm not looking forward to it. All because she knows it will involve ...
I told her that I did not want to involve them, they should not have to deal with this. She should have not worries.
You know what she said? Well, the minute she began to open her mouth I knew what she was going to say, I could see it on her face, and she is right.
"We are involved, we live in this house."
She is right.
Eff me, I am so disgusted in myself.
My poing was to encourage you sweeetr. You are so much further ahead than I was. Bless you,
(((Sis)))...I can relate and as in tonight's meeting on Anger I also relate to when things changed for me in program...when I was able to bring my life into just one day....one at a time. I became managable then because there was no way that I could ever live days and then weeks and then months and then years into the future. Don't project became one of my most favorite slogans and it worked. Little slots of time are better for me. (((((hugs)))))
You are doing great, feel the feelings when they come but try not to project! This disease IS cunning, baffling & powerful! BUT... with Al-Anon, it is do-able:) Get to meetings, lots of meetings, they are the women that will help pull you through:) I remember being right here where you are now....just like it were yesterday and yet One Day At A Time our HP works on us and the alcoholic, by Gods Loving Grace, my alcoholic has been sober for 10 years now! What a gift, a blessing and HUGE Miracle! Take care of you and your child, you are worth it! Keep Coming Back & Don't quit before the miracle happens:)
Thank you for posting! I hope with your husband getting sober & doing what he needs to for him, that you are choosing to go to Al-Anon meetings as well:) Working the 12 steps of this program will save your life, like not drinking will save your husbands:) 6 weeks sober is such a miracle & wonderful gift! Look how your HP power is working in your lives! It is very difficult to believe that they will get better but ODAT as long as he does not drink, he will get well! Just because they stop drinking does not mean all things will get better right away...the disease of Alcoholism is only 10% drinking and the other 90% is thinking....it takes time for all things to get better but 6 weeks is a wonderful start:)!
My husband is 10 years sober today by the Grace of God and I never ever believed that would happen! Don't Lose HOPE:) HUGS & Prayers to you!
If you weren't sad...well, then there would be something REALLY wrong.
I was at my sickest when I stuffed my feelings of fear, sadness...instead of feeling them, and acknowledging the hurt...all it resulted in was high blood pressure...
Oh sweetr, (((hugs))), I am right there with you. And reading the posts that everyone sends out is my lifeline at the moment. My AH is so mad at me, because I have set boundaries. It is hard to be in the house with him right now because of it. I don't know where it will go either. I worry about my DD also. She is going to be 9 in 2 weeks. SO, I get it and feel your pain. Very much. But, I am believing from everything I have read, that by working this program, the miracle will happen. It WILL get better. We just don't know how. It is up to us to take care of ourselves and things will follow. I am excited to be going to a meeting tonight, f2f. I know that his anger will ebb...maybe. Or maybe it won't. I only know that I am doing what I can for me, and my DD. Take care of your DS and yourself. It will be okay. Keep coming back. You are worth it.
this may sound crazy.....but the sadness of realizing "disease" ... feels better to me than the anger and feeling of being stupid to think he would change (dissapointment) I guess in working MY program it did register in my brain last night, Anger and dissappointment only feed alcoholic powers.
When I said I wasnt mad at him a couple times.. I saw him tear up and wipe a tear .. I simply acted as if I didnt see it becasue I didnt want to encourage him being the victim .. so I went to shower and get ready for bed. ..... I want him to feel his feelings and deal with them as I have had to do with mine.
One day at a time is how I live.... actually breaking it up to 3-4 parts of a day lol
I just try to make finacial decisions that protect me and my son... other than that ... trusting my HP to handle the rest.
...... after the sadness of last night ... my heart feels lighter today ..... more intune with ME
......"this too shall pass" ......always comes to mind.... but Im hoping the bad passes quickly and the good passes slow !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
No, it doesn't sound crazy. It sounds human. In my experience, anger, frustration - even hurt - can mask the genuine feelings beneath the surface ones. Anger helps me continue to believe I'm in control in some way and it doesn't hurt. I can feel strong and powerful if I indulge in long term feelings of anger. When I allow myself to feel the deeper feelings and sometime the harder feelings, like sadness, I'm more able to experience my own powerlessness and surrender to what is true and real. I think you made a lot of progress last night that actually happened because you've been working your program that got you to last night. Today, you feel lighter and you're making choices that are in your power to make without trying to fix the A or cheer him up. You've learned what feeling your genuine feelings can do for you. Maybe you want the same for him?
Anger is an emotion that we all experience and that we can use as a wake up call. But, it is only the tip of the iceberg of what helps us be fully human and fully alive. Allowing ourselves to simply be with our feelings in a quiet, witnessing way can do exactly what it did for you. It helps us become more in tune with our true selves and more reliant on our HP.
