The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I guess I'd be ticked because he was crashing my boundaries reading my posts on my message board. And I'd probably say so. I wouldn't let him try to guilt me for choosing to read my MB and then feeling bad because he read something that was not his business. I used to write in my journals and hide them - afraid somebody would read what I was writing as a self-help to me. One day, I stopped hiding them. Figured the consequence for reading my private journal - which everyone in my family knew was my private journal - was theirs and not mine. I don't read other people's anything without invitation because I don't want to see something without permission that could upset me. I also don't post much on a MB that I wouldn't want anybody to see. A public message board is that to me. Public.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 06:34:23 PM
The MB was private, but i was logged in, so he said he went snooping. he also went through my message box.
If I told my husband "i' get back to him" when he asked if i wanted a divorce it would have made things so much worse!!! he called me earlier and asked "what's wrong?" I just said "nothing". i feel numb. Then i told him that the insurance policy on our car expired today he's like, "oh ****** great" and I, like a dummy, said, "yup one more thing I've failed at". he snapped at me and hung up. I'm afraid he will find this place, and go off about it.
he said that these things (which were sexual likes and dislikes) were stuff that i should have told him, and never discuss with other people, it was general stuff, i was agreeing with people on some of their points. he said it embarrassed him and now he thinks i'm cheating on him or planning on leaving him.
this is why i have no friends, and don't talk to people. i've told him i want to go to al anon meeting, he just snorts. Once i start going (this sunday, hopefully) I'm sure there is going to be hell to pay. I don't even know what to do honestly, i think we are doing 'okay' and then BAM he finds something i've done to him and i'm fumbling around like an idiot.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 09:16:51 PM
Random- I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed out about this. You should be able to relax a bit with his 3 days of sobriety. .... do you think that you are feeling nervous because of that as well, waiting for he other shoe to drop? Maybe, is he getting ready or setting up the scenario for if he falls off for a while? IDK just throwing things out there.
I'm not sure but I kinda feel like he is being sensitive, overly in fact, and he doesn't know how to respond . I am wondering if it really is even what you talked about as much as the fact you have other people that you confide in. It seems he thought he had you all to himself. With your worry about him finding this bored ... maybe it's not about the topic of conversation at all. Just thinking here. I understand what you are saying and thinking about though. If you are really scared he will find this place and what you've been saying do what someone suggested, erase the history, if you feel you need to change your name, but give us some sort of code so we know who you are . ;)
Be well,
Edited to add: By the way, you're not random, you're one of us. I know you probably just chose the name "randomly" haha. In reference to you saying you were fumbling around or making excuses when he confronted you (sorry I can't referr back to your post because I'm editing) its just your old habit. You will get strong enough to know when it is appropriate for you to respond or not.
Hugs to you..
-- Edited by hisimage on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 10:28:45 PM
So AH has been sober for three days, and today out iof nowhere he tells me he read a post i posted online at another message board, it was something stupid, like a 'what turns u on'. well, he really took it to heart even though i wasn't making it personal for me, just a general B session between me and my message board friends-which are the only ones i have. he called me right after he read it and i had to call him back-as i was at work and told me how hurtful it was to him even though i didn't say it was about him-in fact it wasn't- so then he asked if i was cheating on him and did i want a divorce and was i planning something with his mother (not really sure where that came from!) of course i'm apologizing all over the place and told him if it made him feel better he could join the MB and post something...i dunno what he wants!!! he kept asking me "how would it make u feel?" "how do i not take this personally?"
So he changed the password on the PC and calls me after awhile while he's at work and tells me the password. It wasn't a nice one. Then acts like nothing happened!
One of my favorite lesson subjects...React!! I use to do that all the time and it was easy cause all I had to do was not take the time to think about what was going on and just jump!! Then I get into Al-Anon and start practicing my program and get a sponsor who give me the slogan "Don't React"!! which freezes me in my tracks whenever situations arise that I use to habitually react to. "So what the hell do I do now"? I ask my sponsor. and he gives me another slogan, "When in Doubt....Don't". Which I am taught is when I don't have a response (thinking time and then an action) "Don't do anything"!! I didn't know that was possible or even ethical at that time because of course I had always just reacted and my thinker back then was busted so no need to think before jumping into the insanity. So I've got these two awesome, atomic powered slogans and time on my hands because I'm just not jumping this way and that, hither and fro trying to do something...just anything. Now I'm relaxed and making choices which have better consequences on my peace of mind and emotions. I love it!! Of course it throws everyone off who use to just pull back waiting to see the forth of July explosion I had become...Now I do the "Hey let me think about this awhile and see if I even wanna get involved" and after I think...if the response is no...then No is a complete sentence and I just say no (again atomic power). If I think I might be able to help I ask the question "Can I be of help"? or "How can I be of help" and go back to thinking if I wanna or not.
So Random...if you're not sure then don't. My suggestion. ((((hugs))))
He can't find this board if you erase the history and stay logged off, can he? I'm glad you can go to on-line meetings and are hopefully going to follow through on attending Al-Anon meetings. Sounds like things are very, very tough for you right now. With Al-anon, they will get better.
Lots of support and encouragement for you, RP.
He can't find this board if you erase the history and stay logged off, can he? I'm glad you can go to on-line meetings and are hopefully going to follow through on attending Al-Anon meetings. Sounds like things are very, very tough for you right now. With Al-anon, they will get better. Lots of support and encouragement for you, RP.
that is stalking behavior, getting onto someones' message board, snooping, then getting upset and changing the computer password????? I hope you have a place to go for meetings, 12 steps work w/a good sponsor, I wold read the literature and I would read slogans and practice their messages....
This guy has no clue re: boundaries and you cannot change him, but you can change you and how you take care of yourself from here on in......If someone did that to me, I would make sure my pvt stuff staid pvt....logging off...erasing history.....just being careful.....what a shame that you gotta do that......sorry things are rough now, but alanon and good mental health await you......OH if face 2 face meets are hard??? the meets here are GREAT....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
