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I live with a recovering drug/ alcoholic. He is sober for 18 years and yet his personality is very short and explosive. He has episodes of anger and we have several screaming matches a week. They usually occur on the weekends. It is like he has two personalities. He is very needy and controlling. I love him very much and I don't know what to do. We are engaged. My mom is a recovering alcoholic also and I noticed they have the same way of thinking and acting. Very self centered, needy and wanting to always be the center of attention. I am nervous with his anger issues. He screams a lot and can be threatening as well. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One minute he is out of control and the next he is telling me how much he loves me. Rollercoaster effect. I really don't know what to do. I am very confused. My life has become a series of up and downs. One minute perfect the next a total disaster where he is telling me to get out of our apartment. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Is this normal behavior for a recovering drug abuser and alcoholic? Any help will be appreciated.
This sounds soooo familiar...and what I learned is that just because someone isnt drinking...that is not recovery at all...
In my opinion this is pretty standard "dry drunk" behavior. ..
Whatever he does..you can get to a better place...keep coming back. ..and focus on you. ~ RP
My mom is a recovering alcoholic also and I noticed they have the same way of thinking and acting. Very self centered, needy and wanting to always be the center of attention. I am nervous with his anger issues. He screams a lot and can be threatening as well. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One minute he is out of control and the next he is telling me how much he loves me. Rollercoaster effect. I really don't know what to do. I am very confused.
I kept marrying my mother (in men , of course) until I got into recovery and worked on my family of origin issues in the steps w/my sponsor and I found out WHY.....then it went on to "Ok I know why I keep marrying mom...WHAT can i do to change this sick pattern????" She didn't want me, abused me, a FEW times she wold show me love, only to turn on me and here we go again.....I kept marrying her in my men b/c in my sick mind, I was gonna "get it right" this time....NOT!!!!! it was time for me to CHANGE....but how??????
my answer was meetings, alanon, 1 per day at least for the first 3 months or so....12 steps work with my sponsor , going back in my past, and discovering a whole bunch of things that helped me understand me......and also reading the literature, practicing the slogans and working the program in its entirety, a commitment that is a life commitment ...
Verbal abuse and anger issues, UNtreated w/AA and intense recovery work of his own will only get worse and then he will begin physical abuse...good chance of that....U R only engaged....I would FOR SURE re-eval this whole situation and work my program and focus on me as I detach from him....you are living together and that makes it tough........Sounds to me u r in an unsafe environment....Time to get into alanon meetings ASAP and also, I would look into making myself safer by separate living arrangements until I got enough recovery under my belt to make healthier choices......If he comes at you physically, there are domestic violence shelters that you can contact for help in making for a safer environment.....he hasn't hit you yet, but out of control anger is a BIG RED FLAG...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for your advice. I always feel bad for people. I always feel he needs me. He tells me that over and over again. I am afraid if I leave he will pick up again. That is my big fear. I don't want to do that. It's very hard and I have an adult daughter who is depressed. She is on meds and lives on her own. She is on SSI and I help her out a lot. He is not at all understanding with this issue either. We have the majority of fights because of my daughter. He always tells me that. I will not give her up or ignore her. I can't. A lot of issues here. You are right though. I need help. Meetings.
My SO is NOT a alcoholic or takes drugs but he is just like your SO. I used to engage him to the point of violence. Not anymore. I have let go and seeked help for me. I'm learning the tools to detach with love from him. He and only he can deal with his problems and it doesn't include me anymore. I will not take his abuse and I will not argue with him anymore. He knows if he can't be civil I will walk away. Sure he's mad but not mad in my face mad.....if you know what I mean. Another boundary is if he ever touches me.......he will see the law in his face....plain and simple.
My SO has seen a doctor for his outbursts and is on medication now and is doing much better dealing with his anger issues. That's good to because he's a teacher and he was going to lose his job over it.
I would suggest Al-anon. Face to face meetings and being with people that know what your going through will be a big help. It's time to start taking care of you now and not worry about your partners issues.
Keep coming back my friend because you are not alone.......much ESH here
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you for your advice. I always feel bad for people. I always feel he needs me. He tells me that over and over again. I am afraid if I leave he will pick up again. That is my big fear. I don't want to do that. It's very hard and I have an adult daughter who is depressed. She is on meds and lives on her own. She is on SSI and I help her out a lot. He is not at all understanding with this issue either. We have the majority of fights because of my daughter. He always tells me that. I will not give her up or ignore her. I can't. A lot of issues here. You are right though. I need help. Meetings.
I feel compassion for the sick as well, but I am not gonna let them take me down, either....there is feeling compassion yet detaching to take care of me, then there is the sick kind of feeling bad adn letting them just permeate my life with thier drama and taking me down......"needs me"?????? He NEEDS recovery....recovery is the only thing that can save him...but I want to talk about you...alanon is about you....so you leave and he "picks up again" whose problem is that???? NOT yours, I can tell U that.....AND you don't have that kind of power over him...he is using that to manipulate you, maybe not in words, but it is "there".....and WHAT kind of guy would have an issue w/your own child who is depressed?????? we can give you our experience and our strength and hope, but if U want to continue going back w/him or staying with him, then you reap the life you ask for....If you want to be happy and free and a whole lot healthier, then You need to get into MEETINGS...right!!! And work the 12 steps, literature, slogans are great to practice....You need ALANON......We choose our own lives as adults...yea, when I was a child I had no choice, no hope, no help, but now??? I DO...and its called Alanon,acoa,coda....U betcha.....I am way healthier AND I am a better mom, better sister, better friend, better cousin, etc....I am BETTER all around......I tell my daughters.....Life is a CHOICE away....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Deborah: Welcome to MIP. I, too, hope you are going to Al-Anon meetings or will be going to Al-Anon meetings. Being needed - like a child needs us and being wanted as we are by an adult companion are two very different things. I made a big mistake in thinking my love and care would "change" my husband after we were married. I didn't see all his issues until after we said, "I do." You are fortunate in that you are seeing some of your fiancé's issues before you head down the aisle. My x hit me the first time about 2 days after our marriage ceremony. He was too hung over on the day after to do it. 18 years sober with an explosive temper that scares you before you're married can turn into 1 week married and he's thrown you against a wall and then apologized for it later. I don't want to be a downer here, but I also can't smile sweetly and say, "Oh honey, that will change after you're married and he can relax more." It will change alright, but not for the better. He has problems other than alcohol related ones. You get to choose whether you want to live with those problems or not. I wouldn't. I've been there. And my kids also carry the scars right along with me.
Aloha Deborah Ann and welcome to the board again. You have already been extended compassion, empathy and awareness from some of the other members and there will be more coming. For me you sound wide awake and aware about your relationship with this person and the other alcoholic in your life; your mother. Just cause they aint drinking doesn't mean they're sober and just cause they have lots of days without the chemical doesn't mean they're perfect. I know tons of recovering alcoholics and addicts who have lots of days and that's it. They are just as unacceptable in behaviors, thinking and feelings as ever and I won't hang with them. For truth I am a "double" a member of both programs...Al-Anon and AA because I was born and raised within the disease and still am inclined to play old parts if I'm not more inclined to live the program.
Alcoholism and alcoholics need enablers. I thought all the time I was helping and then the consequences to my helping always was that things came out worse. I then learned in Al-Anon that this is exactly what happens with enabling, by my involvement and my caring...things get worse for me and them also. Alcoholics are not masters at being responsible and that is why they need targets to blame. Targets become victims if they continue to keep themselves available to the blamer, the alcoholics and addicts. Alcoholics are self centered to the extreem and every useful member of AA knows that we talk about pride and egoand how to crush and kill them all the time and we challenge each others prides and egos when we know they have surfaced and are getting us into trouble. One of the key tripping stones to pride and ego is humility which for me is "being teachable" - however - in order to do that the alcoholic must some how take the part of a student rather than trying to be the teacher who takes the classroom hostage with their need to be the center or all topics.
If your relationship is abusive normally it will continue to be that way. I've never met anyone other than untreated enablers (hand raised) who got their self esteem and needs met by veing the victim. I tried that a couple of time and came close to physically terminating alcoholics and addicts who somehow thought I was the endless victim. When the abuse gets "normal" it's time to go get fixed by others who know how to get fixed and stay fixed. If your SO is in AA or NA...understand that those programs and Al-Anon are 12 step and traditions recovery groups and they work miraculously when they are worked as suggested. Becareful and wide awake about judgements on how you are working your program by others with time. HOpe you get in soon and hope you keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs)))))
I have to agree with everyone...this is definitely not sobriety. This is dry drunk behavior and it will get worse. Take care of you and your daughter. Get into as many meetings as you can. If he uses, it is his choice, not something you can control. Good luck. (((hugs)))
