The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sitting in silence as somebody reels off the reasons their life sucks sounds pretty good to me. I don't see it as failure on your part. I see it as you noticing there is nothing you can say that will make a difference. So, you do what is in your power to do. You sit silently and let him hear himself. After awhile, he could get tired of what he's saying and change it? Works for me in relationship to a chronic complainer that I know and love. My loved one's life sucks because it does. I can't change it. No words I utter will make that truth more real for him. No words I utter will change it for him either.
Glad you came here today. Keep coming back. Al-Anon and MIP are good places with good people with all sorts of different options for you to try on for size if one or two appeal to you. Welcome to MIP.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 04:48:05 PM
I'm having a really hard time trying to understand what I'm doing in my relationship. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, he's been sober for 7 years. Recently he broke his foot and had to go on disability so he can't work or ride his motorcycle. At least once a week he'll call me and list a ton of reasons why his life sucks and I just find myself unable to decide what to do. I'll lightheartedly mention all the good things in his life just to remind him that he does have things to be grateful for in his life but it doesn't seem to help. I don't want to coddle him but I don't want to seem indifferent either, I don't know what to say so I end up sitting in silence. I don't know how to handle this situation and it bothers me. I can't help but feel like I'm failing as his confidant and partner by being unable to provide any sort of comfort for him. If anyone has any insight or similar experiences I would love to hear it because I am totally at a loss.
In my experience, before supporting someone in changing their attitude, you have to meet them where they are. I know when people tell me reasons I have to cheer up, it comes across as dismissive to me, however good their intentions. So when he says this or that is wrong, you might say, "Sounds like you're having a hard time." Or, "Thats sounds hard to deal with." Or whatever. Sometimes people just need a little sympathy so they can rally themselves.
But it sounds as if you are finding his gloomy mood hard and want him to be different. Maybe someone with gloomy moods is not right for you. Maybe he's so gloomy that he can't see anyone else's needs or situation. If the gloomy mood is longterm and he's not making an honest effort to move forward, maybe that's not a good situation for you. But as Al-Anoners a trap we have to avoid is trying to get other people to change their moods, approach, or attitude. If it's bringing us down, then we need to take extra good care of ourselves so we're okay no matter how they're feeling. Maybe some meetings would be helpful for you? Take good care of yourself.
I can't help but feel like I'm failing as his confidant and partner by being unable to provide any sort of comfort for him. If anyone has any insight or similar experiences I would love to hear it because I am totally at a loss.
failing as his confident and partner???? sounds to me like he wanting you to verify his "poor me" stuff and enable his drama and negativity w/out offering up a solution what he plans to do to make his life NOT suck....when I see someone complain w/no "plan of action to change in site" I see that they just want a sounding board, someone to enable them, but they aren't ready to change.....
yea, U want to give someone support and encouragement who is TRYING to help themselves.... then there is doing the same ole same ole, complaining about the same old thing.....I bet he is not working in AA meetings and steps, and all.....if he is not, then U have a sober drunk on your hands and it is not healthy to be in......I would if I were you just be positive when around him, but detach and when the drama gets to be too much, just say "oh gotta go.." and find something you have to "go for"...
My A brother who has NO intent of AA, calls me and when the drama gets to be too much, I exit the conversation, I will tell him I will pray for him, send him love and good energy, but "OH, gotta go..dogs are wanting to come inside" something, to get me off the phone b/c that is negative and I can only listen to so much....
AND, I wold if I were you, work my meetings, alanon, 1 meet a day for at least a couple of months, to get level within YOU...focus on YOU....work the 12 steps and with a sponsor to guide you...read the literature, read the slogans and begin practicing them........ONE slogan says "KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME" what does that mean???? it means I can only help me, save me, change me, and it is fact...
yea, I can and do support those who want to help themselves, but if they want to just complain and gripe w/no "plan to change in site"...I detach....bless them, be nice, but detach w/love from them.....what else can I do??? I will not let them take me down.....
you can save you....Its your choice and alanon is FREE......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you guys so much for your insight and advice. I'm new to the program and I have had no direction thus far, I've only been to three meetings and I just bought some literature to start learning how to work the program. I've grown up with the disease, my mom and dad were both addicts and alcoholics. I don't want to change him, I just want to learn how to change my attitude to better my quality of life and learning how to react in situations like this will definitely help. I'm 26 and this is the first time in my life that I've ever done anything to understand how the disease has affected me and my life. Hearing from the perspective of people who have had some time in the program really helps me alot. Thank you again.
Thank you guys so much for your insight and advice. I'm new to the program and I have had no direction thus far, I've only been to three meetings and I just bought some literature to start learning how to work the program. I've grown up with the disease, my mom and dad were both addicts and alcoholics. I don't want to change him, I just want to learn how to change my attitude to better my quality of life and learning how to react in situations like this will definitely help. I'm 26 and this is the first time in my life that I've ever done anything to understand how the disease has affected me and my life. Hearing from the perspective of people who have had some time in the program really helps me alot. Thank you again.
GOOD job.....meetings and literature...Sounds like a Plan...now THIS post made my day!!! A young lady going after the life she deserves and CAN have through recovery......waaaay to go!!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My husband calls me up to complain about his co-workers daily. He goes over it all again at supper.
At first (like a year ago, when I started getting healthy enough to see it as sick behavior) I thought about the phrase 'let it begin with me'. So I looked at my own complaining pattern. It wasn't good.
One night at supper... on a rare night there was no complaining session (I was waiting for one) I told my husband about an exercise I wanted to try, where you do not complain about ANYTHING for 7 days. If you complain, you have to start over.
I was hoping he would catch on - so yes, still trying to manipulate him ultimately and control him, but I was still peeling back the layers of my own issues at that point (still am) and didn't really get it.
Anyway - in trying this MYSELF, I realized how much I too was a complainer. Little tiny things, not all our 'sessions' but socks on the floor, the trash not out etc etc.
It took a VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRrrrry long time for me to reach the 7 days.
He at some point did jump on board too. After a while, I was so focused on just getting to day 7 myself, that I forgot all about him anyway. He had started alanon meetings, and I did - and we both got better just because of that too. More focused on our own stuff and leaving outcomes to HP.
Since then, there have been many times I have needed to vent stuff. Especially parenting stuff. I do go to my husband for that sometimes, and I clearly state that I need a vent and he doesn't have to fix anything, just listen. That I will get on with things in my own time, but right now I need to emotionally puke.
I ask first, because if he's not up for it, then I want to know, and go to my sponsor or just write it all out here or in my journal or speak to a fellow mom.
He's not all the way there yet, and still comes home many days to vent his stuff. I try to remember how helpful it is for me and just be quiet and listen. If he ASKS for my input, I usually give one answer every time "acceptance is the answer to all my problems, I hope you get it worked out".
If he specifically asks me what he should do, I tell him what I would do - and that I know he's smart and capable of doing the right thing, and it doesn't have to be the thing I would do.
Short and sweet - I'm just the cherry on top the cake - not the cake itself. I have to remember that analogy because that makes me responsible for my feelings, and him responsible for his - and like it was said above... if I jump in and try to fix, I'm taking away his learning/growth experience. I need to have a boundary that no one takes away mine either... cuz I live with a Mr. Fix it both for a job, and for a husband ; )
I am so glad you're reaching out and asking questions and taking care of you. Keep it up! You are a great asset to the family here!
I agree with grateful2be Sitting in silence and allowing someone to vent is a true gift and one we give each other at meetings. I must confess when I am complaining I resent anyone trying to change my mood by being cheerful themselves and pointing out cheerful things. As Mattie suggested I too I would validate his pain that this is a hard time for him and then suggest we make plans to go to a movie or dinner to help while he recuperates.
keep it simple He is fortunate to have you in his life.
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and more importantly, your honesty. I've never even considered that trying to cheer him up may have been harvesting resentment. It is hard for me to accept sometimes that my instinctual way of trying to make things better may actually be making things worse. I'm learning very slowly to let go and let god and taking it one day at a time. You are all so wonderful! I'm going to a meeting tonight and I can't seem to stop flipping through my Just For Today in Al-Anon book. I'm feeling very optimistic today, thank you all again so much.
Aloha Squeak..."reaching out" this also is how I got the help I needed and listening with humility (being teachable) has great positive pay back. One of the valueable responses to your alcoholic...if he is really working the program is...call your sponsor...(((hugs)))...leave. If he has a good sponsor that person will know what is going on and bring him around as he is willing. Get into your recovery and listen listen listen like you have done here. I love the feedback you have received. I'm gonna use some of it. ((((hugs))))
