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I've been really off this last week, little outbursts, anger, tears, anxiety, you name it. Positive mantras, prayer, meetings, I've been trying to stay on top of it but hopelessness has sort of been taking over.
Today I just felt awful. I argued with the A last night, he was being cruel and I started to argue back, felt bad and tried to apologise, he was even crueller, I cried...old habits...no sleep...this morning I was a sad, sad little zombie. He left for work screaming at me because he has no smokes (I told him I won't buy him any more as he drinks and gambles all of his money and why should I, that's what started the whole fight). I already bought him petrol this morning and a cookie, he waved that in my face on his way out the door and yelled "so this is all I get for F^%ing lunch". ??? Maybe he should eat some of those gambling credits he's been sinking his money into. The self doubt crept in, last night he told me he doesn't love me, doesn't care what happens or if I leave and all that matters in his gambling system which he says is equal to my study...and you see the thing is, he's been pretty nice lately, trying to be affectionate (but usually drunk and volatile) and I've been very detached and suddenly I'm asking myself- did I do this? Was he being nice and I've ruined it? Because of course a week of being semi-friendly makes up for years of nastiness and I should have just said my yes-sir-thank-you-sirs...
So after a couple of months of really not getting sucked in and staying detached, its been a week of...relapse, for want of a better word. I've been trying, really trying to hold on to that positive energy I was feeling for so long but by this morning I really thought maybe it was just gone and I'd never get it back. I've gotten not much work done, foggy brain, snappy moods...all the bad stuff. And just so much self doubt.
I popped in to the chat-room here and got some love, some laughs and a reminder that I was trying to buy bread at the hardware store. That stuck with me.
Then the A came home from work early and laid a big apology on me and I just crawled into bed and meditated/prayed after that because the rollercoaster was making me sick and I wanted to try to figure out exactly where and when I boarded it again in the first place?
I thought and cried and thought some more and I came up with this. Detaching has consequences. The less I enable and react, the less satisfied my A is with me. And like all bullies, eventually, if I keep this up, he will tire of trying and move on to someone else. And sad silly little girl Mel thinks- if he leaves, if one more person leaves me, I won't be able to get close to anyone ever again. I just wont. So I keep trying to get love from him because maybe thats the best I'm ever going to get. Obviously I know this is not good thinking, but that's what's at the bottom of it.
So finally, I get up and all I want to do is lose the nagging doubt that tells me I have caused these problems in my relationship and been a bitch when he's been as nice as he's capable of being.
I decide to colour my hair and when he sees the box he makes his usual scene about how he's going to his room because he can't stand the smell. No problem at all, buddy. You just keep right on walking.
I wash the colour out (thoroughly lol) and put on fresh clothes and I'm feeling nice and clean and girly, and I poke my head into his room to ask him if he knows why the internet isn't working. He's lying in bed and without looking at me he starts waving dramatically at the air, coughing and making gagging noises and yells "stay away from me, I can't stand the smell of the dye, it's making me feel sick! Don't come near me until you've washed that &*^% off!". Now a) there's not a trace of dye-smell left on me and b)the dude is smoking a cigarette at the time. I didn't bother to tell him I'd already washed it out.
Well what can I do but laugh at this ridiculous angry drama queen. And right there was the proof I needed that it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT I DO. He's mean because he's a bully and what he says about me is pure fantasy, and I'm feeling sad and full of self-doubt because it's been awful to live with and I need to get better. So in a sense, I think I DID get bread from the hardware store this evening. He gave me exactly what I needed, and a good laugh to go with it.
Your realization at his dramatic and ridiculous reaction to your hair dye is a good example of how his reality has nothing to do with Actual Reality. And it sounds like an important realization for you.
You know, it was a huge huge turning point for me in my relationship with my AH (from whom I am separated) when I realized that it really didn't matter WHAT i did. He was going to do what he was going to do what he did anyway. For the longest time, I thought that if I just explained myself better, he wouldn't be mad. If I just phrased something differently, he'd "get it." If I told him how important it was to me that we do things together or that he listen, he'd try. He always told me that it was my fault for not explaining clearly, or for misunderstanding, or for being to sensitive. And so I tried harder.
A turning point for me was when I totally lost it one evening during a discussion. I was crying, sobbing really, and I was yelling which I never do, and I said harsh, hurtful things. I behaved in a way that I never do and which, to me, reflected an absolute "i'm at my worst and most upset" time. It was (to me) dramatic and huge. The next day was a couple's counseling session and I told the counselor what had happened, what I'd said. She turned to AH and said "How did it make you feel to see her so upset?" And he replied, with genuine puzzlement on his face, "I didn't realize she was upset."
The ridiculousness of that -- and, sadly the truth of it -- he really didn't understand it -- was incredibly eye opening to me. It made me feel that I could have done cartwheels across the room naked and he still wouldn't have seen or heard me. And that was hugely, hugely revealing to me in terms of understanding why all the trying in the world wasn't going to change. I can't change him. And really, it doesn't matter what I do. He will be who he is and do what he does.
I am working a lot on detaching, which is always tricky. But I've realized that my AH wants to make me feel like his behavior is the consequence of mine -- so that if he does something, in his mind it's because I made him mad or because he's stressed about the separation or whatever. I have to be careful to not buy into that. You said "detaching has its consequences" and that made me stop and think, because it's what I struggle with myself. My view now is that how my AH chooses to react in response to me is not within my control. All I can do is choose how I act, and detaching is what I need to break away from the unhealthy dynamic. If he chooses to react angrily or nastily to that, then that is his choice. My behavior didn't cause that consequence, his behavior choice did. But it's a place where I can get bogged down. He tells me a lot of things in his life are my fault, and I tend to go around in circles wondering if he's right, is it my fault, etc. And, I am learning, that is crazy.
Detaching has consequences. The less I enable and react, the less satisfied my A is with me. And like all bullies, eventually, if I keep this up, he will tire of trying and move on to someone else. And sad silly little girl Mel thinks- if he leaves, if one more person leaves me, I won't be able to get close to anyone ever again. I just wont. So I keep trying to get love from him because maybe thats the best I'm ever going to get. Obviously I know this is not good thinking, but that's what's at the bottom of it.
I can definitely relate to what you're saying here Mel. Detaching does have consequences, and sometimes it's that love dies on my side too... I am less satisfied with my A and I will walk away, and he will have to deal with THAT consequence. But I am stronger now too, I don't have to go running into the arms of another alcoholic... I just run to the arms of my Higher Power, whom I chose to call God.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Melly - I love the way you write. It's as if I can exactly picture the situation you describe. Also, even though you're in such a difficult situation, you are able to find light and humor. I want to thank you for reminding me that even though I am also in an unbearably depressing situation, there's always room to laugh.
So Melly - thank you for bringing a smile to my face. I needed that today!
This sounds like my previous life. Trying to get that little bit of affection from an alcoholic that really was never capable of giving it. The very reason I probably went for him all those years ago. Deep in my psyche somewhere was fear of losing someone and an alcoholic can never be lost because he can never really be yours in the first place. Its crazy!! I am no longer with my alcoholic because Im getting healthier and I want more. He has been trying to get me back and its been interesting in a way watching him on his very best behaviour. Acting caring and kind. Hes actually good at it but then when I say no to a request of his he shows his true colours in a split second, a baby tantrum. Its good for me to see this all played out because it strengthens my decision that I will never go there again and if anyone comes into my life who shows any signs of these behaviours I will probably run a mile.lol. Your a is behaving just like an a. You can only change you and your own reactions and behaviours. I like to remind myself that I have choices no matter how another person chooses to behave. Alanon meetings are the way to go. x
Hi, Melly. Good to hear from you today. Thank you for sharing the events that led right up to that wonderful realization you came to later. You may want to write it down to look at your own wisdom and your own knowledge about what to do if the drama starts up again.
Gasp! Cough! Cough! By any chance - did you dye your hair recently? (Giggle)
You have a tremendous wit and a lot of wisdom that is pulling you right out of needing him into helping yourself like and love Melly!!! Love it.
Oh, I loved reading this. Be sure to print it all out for future reference. You will laugh every time you read it. And thank you Nora for your response. It was right on too. All this ESH is so good.
Thank-you all. I love this place, I always feel a million times better and stronger after reading these boards.
Well, although he has moved his computer into the spare room and declared that I "won't be seeing him" anymore, last night he came wandering out to the living room with his hard-drive and announced that he was going to watch a movie. Odd, because he can do that in his room, but OK!
You see, there had been a movie he was itching to see and it's just recently come out at the cinema and we had planned to go together. So last weekend I asked him and he said he couldn't afford it, and then I watched him spend money on computer game-time so that he could play online with his friend, so I shrugged and took my daughter to the movies and we enjoyed it thoroughly. I'm well and truly done with paying for him just so that I can have the pleasure of his grumpy unpleasant company.
So, he puts on the movie, he's managed to find a good version of it to download and he announces triumphantly "See? I bet you didn't think I'd be able to watch it for AGES". As if I had
tried to get one over on him by seeing it and this was his grand counter-strike. So I smiled and said "awesome, this version is meant to have deleted scenes in it, I'll watch it with you!". Well, he looked like a kid who'd had his icecream kicked out of his hand as I got comfy on the couch with a big smile on my face and motioned for him to come and sit with me...
Well, we ended up being very pleasant to each other and he was in a lovely mood and went to bed with me in the end (quite sober as he had run out of money days earlier). And I knew very well that his pleasant mood stemmed from the fact that today is in fact pay-day and he has just come home with a bottle of whiskey and he's in his room gambling online now. He almost skipped down the hallway on his way there. So who knows what will emerge later.
So, the point to this long-winded ramble is, my mood was great today and I know that this stems from all of the lovely cuddling and intimacy and "honeymoonishness" and it's not good that my moods are still so closely tied to him. Because then, when he comes out of his room later, drunk and angry that he has lost all of his money, or else drunk and wanting to celebrate his big win and THEN emerging later angry about losing it all, I'll be back to feeling crushed and hopeless. So I'm writing this to remind myself. I cannot control his moods. I do not cause him to behave "lovingly" or "unlovingly" towards me. And if I can stop letting myself feel so sad and frightened when he is angry and mean to me, then I probably won't feel so relieved and euphoric when he is nice. So it's just a reminder to myself to GET OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER!
Thanks for the post, Melly. It is helping me deal with some relationships issues of my own. Getting off the roller coaster for me is remembering that I am powerless over what another person thinks, feels or does and that its never about me. It's always about them. QTIP is a wonderful slogan, isn't it? Regardless of how he behaves today, you are growing and finding yourself. He has no power over that, either!
Its tricky though, I realised after writing that. On one hand, I'm trying to teach myself that I don't have to hate him because I have played just as big a part in this relationship as he has. I chose it, I stuck at it. So I don't have to be angry with him. But when he's being loving and sweet and I allow myself to enjoy it, I know I will feel betrayed and used when he resumes the nastiness and it will be much harder to detach. So what's the answer? Be detached and aloof when he's being genuinely warm and loving? That's really hard to do. Ugh.
I have actually found that "Detachment with Love" is the way to an extremely loving supportive relationship in all my affairs. . Knowing that I am powerless over others, I can enrich family and friends by walking side by side in an equal" interdependent" relationship where both are shouldering their responsibilities and everyone is treated with courtesy and respect.
It takes practice and family members did not understand the change in my responses. I continued using alanon tools and it is amazing how relationships have improved 100%
Keep the focus on yourself and remember learning how to relate in a healthy fashion is not being mean or dishonest or betraying the relationship.
I haven't read any of the literature yet, is "Detachment with love" the title of a book? I don't even know how to find any of the literature to be honest, but I think I need to get some and start reading. Suggestions welcome!
At our WSO for Al-Anon, there are informationals that I think do include something on Detachment. We usually get all of those things in our newcomer's packet, but you can get some of it for free there. There are also books you can purchase through them, too, or at your group meetings.
Alanon meetings have a great deal of literature that speaks to the topic of detachment Our daily readers have over 50 pages devoted to this subject and it is also a topic of speaker meetings.
Detachment with love is a principle of alanon that suggests that respect for another's personhood, is a gift we can give to the alcoholic and all members of our family. We can support our loved ones without trying to solve their problems. We can learn tot take care of your own emotional needs, let go of expectations of others, treat everyone with courtesy and respect, examine our motives before taking action and trust that by detaching we are giving everyone the respect they deserve AND giving ourselves the gift of taking care of our own needs.
