The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
PP reminded me of what I keep saying to myself and needed the reminder .. I believe what I see not what I hear. The actions and words don't match there will be no follow through.
Over the weekend had a very weird experience well a couple .. STBAX's mental health is completely off the charts bad. The situation has come full circle now. 18+ months ago he tried to work on his marriage (having another woman isn't working on the current relationship .. lol), he had no feelings for me and pretty much he settled for me because nothing better was around (can I get a resounding ouch on that one .. that one hurt). He wanted a divorce and how much was it going to cost him. OOOkkkk .. if you insist .. so I followed through as he really tried to pull some crap with me. He was telling all of his "work" friends how he was divorced and how great his life was, after all no 3rd party was involved we decided together it wasn't working. The parts that were left out of the story mind blowing. It doesn't matter .. it does in a small way only because of that whole settling for me comment. No lie that one stung.
Well, what I have heard from a pretty reliable source you have to love a small town is that he's now selling his drunk story .. that's the story that originally brought me to these boards .. I kicked him out, he got drunk and his life is now over. So the DUI story has made a new appearance.
The new/old work story is now this .. I kicked him out. He's miserable and doesn't understand why I kicked him out. His life is falling apart and there is nothing he can do to convince me to stop the divorce. I'm aggressively pursuing it. I had to seriously laugh .. this came from a co-worker friend of his and the other person knows me. Who kind of set his co-worker straight. I laughed and just said gotta love a small town .. LOL! Just in terms of seriously she just kicked him out for no reason? Hmm .. may want to revisit that story with her and keep an open mind.
I know what his disease wants .. he wants mommy to come in and fix it all. Make the police go away, make the charges go away, make it all better like I have always done. Well, this is not my mess to clean up and there is no way I'm biting .. none of his actions have done anything to support what is being said. I'm not talking in terms of ohhh I want him back .. ok .. you love something set it free if it comes back to you have it tested for STD's .. seriously .. I am not willing to risk my health. Whatever I felt .. it's soooo dormant at this point .. there is no one else outside of me enjoying me. Knowing that it's just me I'm cleaning up after and that's more than a full time job in itself. I'm talking in terms of even being able to parent the kids. I can't co parent with him at this point .. the lights are not on and no one is home. My daughter at 14 has more responsibility in her little finger than he does in his whole body .. it's sad.
We are suppose to have mediation and due to the OP we can't meet together and I am SOOOOO grateful for that I probably would slap him if we sat in the same room together. He would throw my daughter under the bus and that would be all she wrote in my self control. I have no patience left for him in that regard. I know it's his disease and it's the disease I would be slapping at this point .. he's completely checked out. The kids don't want overnights with him and they are hesitant with day visits. My son said to me the other day E better do exactly what she did the last time if she sees him drinking again .. I am proud that she took such good care of me. I almost burst into tears with that one. I hope they are always this close. He even was verbalizing what if he grows up and is like his daddy .. I did tell him .. his dad has some good qualities to .. yes I can understand his fear of what if he becomes an alcoholic. His dad is a hard worker, he's mechanically inclined, he is a good gardener. Right now his thinking is so messed up and he can't tell someone how he really feels and that's where D has the advantage. We talked about what he can do now that his dad couldn't do at his age and that's an important factor in alcoholism .. knowing how to cope and knowing when to get help. I thought how did my kids get so smart because I sure don't feel very wise at times .. old .. yes .. wise .. not so much .. lol.
This is strictly for the parenting plan on Tuesday .. he's not contacted the atty office and if he doesn't he'll be screwed big time. I can't imagine he still wants to be married to me. I'm hoping he just rolls over on the divorce. He's down to the last two things left to loose .. his job and his life .. that's it. He looses his job .. I don't want to think about it.
Anyway, this is how the disease talks and thinks in my case and my disease wants to desperately respond. Thank you God for the OP .. I swear that is huge. The fact is it doesn't make me cold or unfeeling that I have to do what I need to do to take care of me. He has his consequences to deal with and I have mine.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
In a weak moment in a bar many years ago, I agreed to move to ND with my first husband and we ended up living in a town of about 1100 people. Coming from Detroit, it was a comfy place at first until I got to see the "other" side. People knew way too much about each other and were not discerning about what and to whom they shared with. I am saying this because I hear that you are trying to detach from his crap and it seems everywhere you turn there he is or there are the stories from others about him. You must want to scream; I feel for you. There is no peace....ugh. And I want to say, I felt your ouch from his hateful words. I do wish for you some peace in all of this....hugs.
Al-Anon's no gossip or criticism of each other must feel like a breath of spring air to you, Pushka.
You can respond - in letter form - then burn it if you choose.
The things I wanted and needed to say embarrassed me when I first wrote them down. So embarrassing, I dumped them into the trash and poured a pan of uneaten baked beans on them. My sponsor at the time made me dig my journal out of the trash - saying - "What?!!!
You just threw a part of yourself in the garbage. Go right back and pull that out." "But, its all covered in baked beans." "I don't care. Get that out of the trash." I did. She was right. There was a big part of me that I needed to see and to acknowledge and to accept as a part of what was holding me back, holding me away from the part of me that didn't care what the x or others said or did. I had to get the anger and hurt and resentment out and on paper before I could heal even more from the years of living with an A that had been mine.
There is no reason why you can't respond to him without it being direct. If you're feeling that strongly about it - maybe you need to do it in a way that will release some hurt for you and not send it on to him? Just wonderin'.
