Not sure if it's for me - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Not sure if it's for me

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This new job in the rehab has been taxing in all sort of ways. It is giving me crazy dreams. I am having a harder time detaching. Adults' problems seem more dramatic and serious. But I am not fooling myself. I am working with a very needy, entitled, and demanding population and they are inpatient meaning I never get away from them and I see them every day instead of weekly. I am allowing myself to feel too much responsibility for their recovery. Many do not want it or they want it spoon fed to them. It's annoying and this is why they are in rehab rather than gaining sobriety in AA or NA. I cannot fault them for being struggling addicts right? Expecting different would be like the hardware/bread analogy. Nonetheless, they are a whiny bunch and they complain "Your groups are boring" "I hate it here" and they act like they are being tortured by being in rehab. Most have zero gratitude and are so manipulative and self-centered. I knew this would be the case though. Imagine all of your qualifiers in one place at once and then imagine you have been designated as their "go to" to help them with their problems. ACK!

I have moments where it feels like God is working through me and I was so meant to do this. There are times when I see a light bulb go off in a kid's head and they are getting the program...they are having a spiritual awakening and that stuff is what I love....way more that anything I felt or got to do in prior jobs. So - I guess what I am saying is the good parts are better but the worse parts are worse. I am aware it's taking more out of me and I need to get used to detaching from this population. I take their crap too personally. I did not do that with foster kids.

Oh and it doesn't help that there has been lots of turnover already and coworker drama and bullcrap in just 1 month. Not feeling it today. I dreamt all night of asking for my old job back. Just checking in and could use some ESH. You guys are a great support network.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Change comes one kid / person at a time...

when I face decisions like this..I start journaling...really tuning in to my intuition...it rarely steers me wrong..

I've always wondered if I could be successful as an addiction counselor...is it experience that I have? or baggage? hmmm

then...there's what Dad tells me...if you can't make a decision, it isn't the right time to make one...

praying for clarity for you,

RP

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel your struggle.... I, too, journal and try the best I can to hear the guidance of my soul/intuition, and ask others I trust, as you have done, for insights. Sometimes they see what I cannot. I beg (sounds needy, but sometimes I feel needy in these instances) God to help me see the bigger picture, to view the situation from a much wider lens, as left to my lens, I see through my ego, wants, desires, discomfort, etc. I know I grow when a struggle, but dang I don't want the struggle and I fight like heck to be comfortable again. You must have one heck of a soul's agreement, as you have had some tumultuous experiences! I am curious to know what your life will look like in a few more years biggrin

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Pink,

Just wanted to send you some love and support I got nothing in terms of ESH for you. Except to parlay off of what Rephrof and PP have shared .. when in doubt don't .. sometimes this too shall pass and the natural groove just comes. You'll know without question if it's for you or not .. after all this is just another stepping stone to a new door .. it just happens to be hell in the hallways at the moment.

Hugs P :)

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

You are the front lines only (At this job)
Remember about letting go of the outcome. And observing your own boundaries.

Also Daily Reflections yesterday or today talked about how we help others first in AA which in turn helps us.
This is about what GOD'S will is for you - how He will use you for His purposes on earth.

Is this where He wants you?
That is the question.

This is not about us anymore - but we have to be effective where it matters. Remember Step 12: "when and how to be helpful."

-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 05:48:40 PM

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi PinkChip

like you I'm both AA and Alanon qualified so I want to respond.

your post is interesting. I have not had the experience of working in your current ffield but I have many times heard AAs say they relapsed after working in the substance abuse field due to burnout and not having enough mental energy left over for their own program or working with others.

my experience around this is I have stopped all of my affiliations with human services and politics because it was my go-to thing to try to create my own self-esteem. I have also stopped rescuing the unhealthy underdog in my personal life because I would end up depleted due to carrying other people's unresolved issues around on my shoulders. This depleted my sleep And self-worth. (This part may not apply directly to your job but it is an old pattern of mine -rescuing - so it may apply at a more deep conscious level personally and to your own recovery if you identify.)

for me, in all areas of life I have to abide by the same principles. The soul cannot be divided.

i may be wrong here, I worked at AA Local Hdqtrs here and really benefitted, but throat was dealing with people who were at least reaching out in some form to AA. Maybe some of the people you feel you are helping are willing and that may make it worth it to God, I don't know what you feel you can handle today or ever.

the most important thing is to pray about it and write out resentments and maybe read those to someone who knows you better. God has your answers. But even then there really are no answers. Time and experience - and you trusting yourself as time goes on with this - will reveal action the right thoughts and actions around this are.

i wish you the best and am here for you as you experience this.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Please pardon the IPhone typos

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't nice that we do have choices in what we do with our lives. It might not be easy but we can make those changes needed to stay happy. Work hard and get what YOU want....whether it be this career or back into your old career. It's what truly makes you happy is all that's important.

You have overcome a lot my friend......you are the best!!! you are not alone...

((( hugs )))

Tasha · Senior Member

I read this and had to think on it for the day. I kept coming back to it, thinking that I would say what was just said by el above basically - but in the end... this is just another time where giving my thoughts on it are scary because if I tell you how awesome you are (which you are) and then you stay because you tap into your awesomness - but then end up hating the job anyway, I would feel really terrible. Guess that's not on me.

Plus I have no ESH, but I love you so much I want to have SOMETHING TO SAY!!!!!! LOL

I guess all I've got to offer is my feelings around starting anything new - and big. And you've heard this before. When we get into something new, there is going to be some stuff we like and don't like. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I try to give anything 3 months because I am old enough to now know that this is just a roller coaster ride of emotions and changing my mind constantly until I settle in a bit. I've used that time frame about for any new job since I was about 20 - and it held true for the amount of time that I gave this program too - whoever came up with the 90x90 thing was genius. Seems it takes me about 3 months to unscramble with stuff.

Once I get past that I'm better able to know and rely on myself and my gut. And I think ultimately Mark - you're going to have to go with your gut/HP on this one. We will love you and cherish you here at MIP no matter what happens in your external world... and if it doesn't work out how you anticipated... that probably just means something even better is in store for you.

While I'm in that 3 months scrambly phase, I break things down into more manageable tasks, thoughts etc.

When I organize my house, I can't think about every junk drawer in every room. I have to think about the junk drawer that is in front of me, and forget about the rest. Before I know it, I've made it from room to room - but sometimes thinking about the whole thing is overwhelming. Focusing on one thing - the thing in front of me helps me tremendously. In the past, I would be paralyzed and stopped in my tracks and either never start or give up easily.

Now I can do anything, one thing at a time! You can too - because of your awesomeness ; )

-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 04:52:35 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hey PC

I write...or journal, whichever you call it....on my computer to show my sponsor or board mates or not to show...whichever feels most comfortable to me.........

and , I give job a fair amount of time to make sure I did the right thing......

some ??s to ask when you write..........Do I make an impact for the positive???? Am I more satisfied and feeling like I accomplished anything more than not????? Am I personally going to grow in this experience???? Does this in the end tally make me feel like I made a good difference or does it suck the energy out of me?????? Do Any people whom I treat even LOOK like they might move forward in their life's journey or am I shoveling crap against the tide??????

I can only imagine having all my qualifiers in my face at one time, every day......You went there for a reason or a season or a career......I would give it some time....write down my thoughts.....let go all of the angst and listen for my power most high to give me a sign.....its ok to ask HP....'ok..I am here...what do I do?????"

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds complicated because normally in dealing with A's we have to learn that we are not responsible for their recovery. But in your job, while you're not ultimately responsible for their recovery, it is your job to facilitate their recovery. So no wonder it's hard to detach. You have some of the power but not all of the power. It seems crucial not to make your feelings of success at the job contingent on their getting recovery. Success at your job would be making recovery available to them and stepping back from what happens. That's pretty challenging.

I feel the challenge in a small way because I teach a big population of unmotivated students. We're always being called upon to motivate them. And usually we're blamed if they don't start being motivated. But it's really clear to me that while I can be passionate, clear, responsive, and all the other things a teacher should be, the ultimate and most important step is up to them. And it's frustrating to be knocking myself out day after day for people who would much rather be elsewhere. That all is frustrating even though the stakes are much lower in my job. If the students don't "get" it, nobody suffers much, unlike in your job.

One thing that has kept me sane has been having a big life outside work. When I'm not teaching, I can immerse myself in totally different things that provide different rewards.

It stands to reason that adjusting to this population, in the early days of your job, would be a challenge. And maybe ultimately it's not the right fit for you. But maybe it is. Like all things connected with addiction, it will become clear down the line, certainly. Meanwhile take very good care of yourself.

Overcome · Senior Member

Pink chip,

What a totally overwhelming situation to find yourself in. If we walk into that room as "caretakers" and not "professionals" turning the results over to God, it's not quite as hard. Yet, I am in no way a professional counselor, substance abuse or otherwise, but I AM a MIP room moderator in the meeting/chat room and find myself feeling "responsible" for the newbies that come in desperate and afraid. I know my program teaches me to detach with love and not make it personal... about me. Being an Al-Anon that is hard for me not to do, but yet at the same time, doing so makes it easier for me to "detach with love" from the alcoholic in my life. It's like practicing it with those I don't' know personally makes it easier to practice with those who I do know personally, if that makes sense. Prayers to you, God will lead your path.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You are perfect for this job because you don't fall for all the old tactics. Your life experience, your straight to the point, honest view of life is just what is needed in my opinion. I mean most of us on this forum have bought into the bad behavior of alcoholics and it is the worst thing we can do. I can imagine how hard your job is. One alcoholic is bad enough, lol but you have a great kind of no nonsense attitude mixed with a healthy dose of common sense and compassion. Your hp led you to these guys for a reason. Keep up the good work.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Great feedback guys! Thanks so so much. Today was infinitely better then yesterday which was full of bs and drama. Today was one of those awesome "I am really in the right place doing the right thing" days. I need to accept and get used to it being a high drama, demanding, and crisis prone atmosphere. QTIP is really taking more work than I planned.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad the day went better, PC. Thanks for the update. I was wondering how it was going for you. QTIP! What a great slogan for this type of work.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I figured you were busy at work!!

Whether it ends up being the job for you or not, there are no mistakes! We always gain something, whether a lifetime career or just more insight.

Enjoy your night!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

mark, i am not sure this will help.

my way is to give information, it is up to the people to accept it or not. If they complain, that is their problem, they are not locked in there right? Its as simple as, its your choice to stay or go. if they try to argue, I repeat, it is your choice to stay or go, then go on to the next person. the people who truly want help will do the work. we cannot make them.

we could say it must be hard to be here then, so what would make it better? Draw them in?

Do you take too much responsibility as far as helping them? You know just like Al Anon we can only share what we experience. If someone relates or wants to try that great, if not oh well.

It took me a month before I could stop being sick over the very handicapped kids I worked with. It was so hard to leave it at work. But i learned to.

Maybe it would help you to sit and write or think about what your expectations are of them and or yourself?

If you can get your other job back and want to, go for it! It's not a failure or anything.

um so what good is it to have any expectations? Why not take things as they come? Are you there to solve their problems or to just offer possibly options for them to choose?

I believe you are being too hard on yourself. I guess I want to say lighten up. Breath, drop your shoulders. Myself I look at them in wonder. not feeling its my job to change anything. I just be myself.

I like you a lot, I know you have lots to give. I invite you to just be you, be light, offer what you know, then allow them the dignity to figure it out. hugs and more hugs, also cookies work too! debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh annnnd who are the best in a crises? The ones who are calm, focused and dependable....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I went to a therapist for an extended amount of time to help myself deal with my son's progressive disease. One day, "R" said something to me that was hard to take in. I said, "Well, you'd say that. I pay you." He said, "You pay me to treat you. You don't pay me to care." Isn't that true for you, too, PC? You didn't take this work on because you'd get paid - you took this work on because you care about people with this disease. That doesn't mean they have to care about you and they're lucky to have somebody who cares in their corner. Your friends and co-workers get to care about you. Those in rehab can't care about you because thus far they haven't learned to truly care about themselves. If HP wants you there and you agree, nothing will blow you out of that place.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 07:59:25 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 08:00:48 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That didn't take long...the scary reality that sometime it works and sometimes it doesn't and what the hell do I do when it does or doesn't? Being a newbie on the job is really being a newbie and I had to remind myself and say out loud more than once..."Hey I'm the newbie here lay off me and lets get this done together"!! Just hearing myself come clean to everyone in the room made the whole thing relax. It's okay to do and I had to learn that I wasn't the giant of a therapist All OF the time. It's progress not perfection even out there. Good days? I celebrate that with the group...Bad days I tell them I feel like I screwed up so I'm gonna add 2 more weeks onto their program and they pay double!!. Yes I use to play around with it like this so that they knew that in the end no matter what I was human mostly. What was great was the staff inventory meetings and the staff critiques with honesty with and for each other. Sometimes you'll get the "I'm bored egotist" or the "When do we stop"? whiner. Those were great for me because they drew targets on themselves. Other times you'll get the ones that want to ask more questions because they want to know and to know that they know what has been kicking their asses and then you'll get the ones who show gratitude for having been in your group because their attitude and life has changed. You never bat 1000 and you always swing for the bleachers. You do your best with what you have and that includes every trick and successful maneuver you used when surviving the disease. If there is one thing I knew before I got in recovery and then into AA it was how to move within this disease. Back then I used my skills and tricks to live in it and today I use them to help others out of it. It works both ways what matters is your motives and intentions.

I once had a sales manager tell me, "You know...you are really manipulative" and I looked at her and said "You're right and today I know how to use it for the right reasons". Motives and intentions

Take your time Pink...You're the boss in the room...you get to say who lives and dies...if they will or won't work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks again guys :)

It does feel like I am frantically pulling everything I know about recovery, slogans, quotes, the BB, all hoping they will latch on. When they say "it's boring" or they "hate it" it feels like they are crapping on recovery, crapping on the program....and here is where the QTIP thing comes in: It feels like they are crapping on me and my program. Also - to be hearing "Your groups suck" and stuff like that is painful when I've not been on the job for a month yet. With delinquents I had a much easier time being like "You don't like it? Tough." I can't do that here cuz they go "I'm paying for this!!! and I want blah blah!" and it is true to an extent. They are paying (even though in many cases it's their parents' insurance.

Tasha · Senior Member

Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job

It's okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay - it is necessary.

Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.

We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person's issues, and we don't expect perfection from others or ourselves.

We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.

We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.

We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn't possibly work out, or jobs that aren't right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.

We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and not so great days.

We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.

We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.

We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.

Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.

We avoid competition; strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.

When we don't know, we say we don't know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.

We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.

If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.

If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.

We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.

One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.

Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.

***Melody Beattie

Tasha · Senior Member

I liked the part - "we give the gift of ourselves" That is so true for you. Take what works and leave the rest Mr Awesome.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.