The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sounds like your husband invited you to a dance that you didnt have to attend or participate in. You don't have to engage in this stuff. He can't say and do this kind of thing if you don't participate. What would he do if you walked out of the room or out of the house and just went for a drive, every time he starts this script.
You asked if there is a better program, There is a 12 step program for co dependency. Its called CODA. Its based on the same principles of Alanon. I think some of the group have mentioned it and know more about it.
I don't know what to say to you, but to keep on working the program, you have to trust it. If you don't work it, nothing will change.
The more we engage in dialogue with a sick person the worse it gets.
There isnt anywhere else you should be Rosemary but here with your fellow members of Alanon. Here you will find understanding, strength and hope. Here you will learn to accept the things you cannot change , the courage to change the things you can. Thank you for sharing your experience , you are not alone . Using the tools of Alanon and really applying them will change the course of your life for the better. You have to trust that.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 01:48:08 AM
I'm not understanding what my purpose here is. I know I'm sick but sick from what the alcoholic or the control manipulating ways or sick of putting up with the poor attitude and negativity that I am getting from my A ? One week I get gifts the next week the cops are at my house and I'm not even home the neighbor are finally stepping up and speaking out about the house of disfunction. I didn't go to my alaon meeting to night or to my Sponser house to start my steps , I am hurt by one comment that was said to me today. When talking about quality time , I see it this way , sitting next to him in the room reading or watching a show if we are in the kitchen he doing bills and I'm doing dishes or prep for dinner we are there together small talk only because my A stated I'm not ready to hold a serious conversation I'm to sick for that. I'm glad he is in my head to be able to tell me what I'm ready to recieve and what I'm not able to.. Quick recap of my back ground .. I was born into a house where the drink was not there , but the verbal and mental and neglect and massive control and physical abuse my whole life. I have to co dependency problems , I can't say no can't think for my self 2 the biggest task , I'm always on guard the defense is up I'm always on survival mode I stay away from things that in my past that I get a beating for. The cursing at me has started again the belittle ways are back the gifts that were given seam to have strings attach with them, I was asked in a controlling way not to sit in my car in a parking lot and waste my gas on his money , if that continue the car will be taken away from me. If you could see my A sitting there in front of me with a grin on his face and telling me all the dont do , to me I see this as a restriction aka a controlling way. Back to the QUALITY time he wants with me. He say its ok once in a while to sit near me and read or watch a show but that gets boring I get tired of sitting near a EMPTY SOUL a BODY THAT'S taking up space ! !! I been told my hole life I should not of been born from my abuser that I don't deserve to breath , my A has told me plenty of times while drinking and recently in his recovery that if I left him no one would want me I'm useless to much bagade to many issues not worth the time . Today in the shed we argued about what's true and what Aa taught him what's gossip and what's gospel if he never heard of it in his big book then it's not true but in my red book Alalon what I read is false us Alalon ppl need to lighten up all we do is want to blame the sick alcoholic for the co dependent s problem , I said to him that how can you sit there in front of me and tell me I'm nothing but a empty body taking up space and has no soul and tell me I took it in a QTIP way. Ppl who love each other don't take the extra time to get there digs and insults in and talk bad about there spouse team that's helping them get better that we are nothing but a joke. (Allon) tonight I gave quality time to him we sat in the bedroom and he put on some music to get the mood going lit some candles . Oh yeah we know where this is going when sexual healing song is played over and over again, I said to him is this what you mean about quality Time ? He said yes so I said I thought that's what you thought quality time together was . Well the grouping begins I say I have a head ack which I really did , bam on the night stand was Tylenol and chocolate . This was planed out , sad things is I said I'm going to bed I'm tired and he said thanks for the Q time you gave me and keeping me up late for nothing . All he wanted from me is this fixation he has on sex that all I here from his mouth I hate the word now if he doesn't get what he wants I'm useless to him , my self esteem can't get better when I'm told nothing but bad things about me .
I'm hurt for the fact I'm trying to get well I'm giving him more chances than any one would not give to him . Why do I stay ? I stay because I'm not well enough to move on yet . And his love for me is to make sure every day he has something insulting to say to me. I want love I want the positive attention with no strings attach , I want to be told hey you are loved not , no one will ever love you. My name is ROSEMARY I'm a 46 year old mother of 4 and wife of a recovering alcoholic , I exist I have my birth certicate to prove I was born with a heart and soul . Thank you for listing to me does any one know of a program that can help me better with my co dependency that is due to abuse and not alcohol suggest a book for me to read
Rosemary, your husband sounds like a sick man who takes sick pleasure in torturing you. I do not believe that ANYONE could live with him. The fact that you even have the strength to be in the same space with your husband indicates you have more strength than you give yourself credit for. I am restraining myself from saying more....I want to say so much more. Replace those ugly voices in your head with true words: yes, you have a right to be here, you have a beautiful heart and soul and you are deserving of a loving relationship. If you have not spoken to someone on a domestic abuse hotline, do so asap. I believe more immediate action needs to occur (in addition to meetings) for your safety. The healthier you get through your meetings, the more abusive he may become, as he senses his control of you may be losing its grip as you get stronger. Take good care.
Thanks for sharing your heart with such humility and clarity It is a pleasure to know you and I would like to assure you that you are loved, and a valuable human being with a loving spirit and gentle heart.
When I found alanon I was both tired of the manipulation of the alcoholic and tired of using destructive tools to live my life with In alanon I learned not to abandon myself, validate who I was, and not to accept another's evaluation of me I learned how to do this by daily gratitude and asset lists , meetings and taking care of my emotional needs.
I am glad you are here and am so very sorry that your relationship is causing you this difficulty One of the many ways that I hurt myself in the world before alanon was to abandon myself to please others. If they said I was wrong or bad or an empty shell I believed them and then tried to do what they wanted to please. In doing so I was abandoning myself even more.
I have to agree Rosemary; he sounds quite sadistic and similar to my partner in many ways. It's not about anything that I do or don't do, it's about his need to victimise, bully and humiliate someone else. The less it affects you, the harder he will try.
"Narcissistic Abuse" is the term and there are many books and papers written about it. It's similar to the way addicts treat their partners but to the extreme. I'd suggest looking it up and seeing if you identify with any of it.
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood was a good starting point for me, since you asked for reading ideas.
Rosemary, your husband sounds like a sick man who takes sick pleasure in torturing you. I do not believe that ANYONE could live with him. The fact that you even have the strength to be in the same space with your husband indicates you have more strength than you give yourself credit for. I am restraining myself from saying more....I want to say so much more. Replace those ugly voices in your head with true words: yes, you have a right to be here, you have a beautiful heart and soul and you are deserving of a loving relationship. If you have not spoken to someone on a domestic abuse hotline, do so asap. I believe more immediate action needs to occur (in addition to meetings) for your safety. The healthier you get through your meetings, the more abusive he may become, as he senses his control of you may be losing its grip as you get stronger. Take good care.
I could't agree w/Paula , here, or Betty more.......AS you grow, IF you work yoru program , steps, sponsor, literature, slogans, you will gain inner strength and you will begin to get you back, to love you, to want to take care of you and you will take care of you.......Program will change you for the better and it WILL anger him, b/c he will be losing his control and things could get UGLY
I would get in touch w/abuse hotline also.....really...this guy sounds to me like a rattlesnake ready to strike....and it will when threatened by your growing recovery......I , honestly, don't know how you managed to live this long w/him.....I wold not have had the endurance.....but as my program progresses, my pain threshold has gone WAY down......I don't even "go there" with a toxic...I see a toxic now, in recovery...I am GONE........PEACE be to you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have been thinking about my statement about your husband enjoying torturing you. I was out of line. He may not enjoy his actions, but he is choosing to hurt you and it is not ok that he uses you as his whipping post.
The highest recovery I've ever seen in Alanons or any 12 step program at all is going through AAs Big Book ourselves.
nothing compares to that recovery but it's a lot of work, you have to really have willingness.
everything else is an off-shoot of those main, first written 12 steps by Bill W.
i am a codependent, adult child and A - and was blessed to find a woman just like me to guide me through it.
because it is so powerful, there is a lot of disdain for it out there. Human pride does that, those who aren't willing.
Investigate it for yourself...it's your recovery. Find an open AA Big Book Step meeting and sit and listen. We're all suffering with the same root causes even if the symptoms look different. The AA Big Book has the Solution for humanism.
