The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently I've had an instance where one of al-anon's 20 questions for adult-children can apply. "Do you mis-trust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?"
I play recreationally in a sports league. I joined this league a few months ago, met some guys and they asked me to be on their team. After the season we'd met, they've only asked me to come out to certain games as a substitute player. I felt like I was just 'holding someone's spot' warm for them and wasn't really a part of the team, even though I played most of the games.
This season again, they said they'll let me know and I grew impatient. I told myself I am going to let go and let god and he can decide if I play with them. But, I decided it'd be best to take my power back and I e-mailed the person politely saying 'thanks, but no thanks' so in a sense, I could reject them before they rejected me. It's a huge behavioural pattern I want to fix. Even though he said he'd let me know by the end of the week, I still got antsy. I couldn't trust the right move would be made, regardless.
He got my e-mail and asked 'Are you sure? I havn't said no yet'....I said 'yeah, I jumped the gun. If there's still time, I'll play but understand if you gave my spot away.'...he laughed it off and said 'i'll let you know by the end of the week'
Now I kind of feel like an idiot. it'd be like quitting a job and retracting or breaking up with a girl and taking it back......Although the scale of this was not as important.
If I wanted to play, I'd just play if I was invited to do it. Keeping it simple in a case like this might save me hours of angst - angst I doubt my HP wants me to experience but that I can tend to use to punish myself for not "getting it perfect" the first time. The guy chuckling might have gone through stuff like this, too, and sees himself in you. I quit a job many years ago because one of the guys I worked with told me the boss was going to fire me. So, I quit before the boss could do that. My boss came to me - he was on vacation when I quit - and asked me why I did that. I told him the truth. He told me he had no intention of firing me. That "R" had manipulated me. In fact, the boss was going to give me a raise. He offered to put me back into the company and to call "R" onto the carpet. I let my pride run me and wouldn't go back to the job. I was unemployed for awhile after that.
oh yea, the ole "do unto others before they *do* me".....been there, done that
now I THINK....do I want the job/game/guy??? or do I really want out?????
the old STOP...THINK.....WAIT.....I have to remind me of that too......Alanoners and codies and acoa's have a habit (dunno about AA folks) but I would hazzard a guess that we in recovery have the tendency to shoot first then ask.....knee jerk reaction it is called...
so I am working to respond, rather than react w/my emotions........U R not alone
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can relate in a sense. Many times I would not try to join a team because I did not want to be rejected. Then if I joined and did not play first string I would sulk and the quit saying I had something better to do It was not true but my ego was hurt and so I deprived myself of the enjoyment of playing even on a limited basis I have done this very often in my life; I did not apply for promotions at work because I was afraid I would not get them and on and on. I really limited my life until alanon and the Steps uncovered my fear of failure and my need to have the best spot or the most attention. In this program I learned how to become humble and willing to take a risk, participate and enjoy life even if at meant I did not get what I wanted, I always learned from he experience.
I am glad you reconsidered and are willing to take the risk again. Good work
Jim, I was one of those kids who was rarely asked to play for the team. I were taught is was about fun, and not about winning...
...but really, they would play to win if they could.
I liked things like singing, acting and writing. I was okay at those things. I got picked for a few plays.
This is in my backwoods community the cricket and rugby jocks were the ones who had that 'alpha male' look.
i never ever turned into 'a poof'. In the end I wasn't even frightened of 'poofs'. Today I love the world around me. I love music of many sorts, I kin write, and do this fairly well...
...I worked as a field worker for many years, and over time I found I could throw a ball, and wield a bat okay. I got really fit. A bit late for my sensitive youth, tho'...
...horses for courses, my friend- work to your strengths!
Jim, I was one of those kids who was rarely asked to play for the team. I were taught is was about fun, and not about winning...