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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> dealing with my mother
Post Info TOPIC: dealing with my mother
islandtime


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dealing with my mother
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In the very short time I have been on here, a dam has opened and a lot of crap has been flowing out, with it have come some insites that for some reason I never saw. First I never noticed that I am affected by A in 4 different directions... 1 my AH... 2 my mentally ill A son,...3 my AD,... and  finally mommy dearest. I realize how awful this will sound, especially for those of you who have lost your mothers, but this is my reality. I cannot stand her, in any way ,shape, or form. The relationship is very toxic, and for my own well being I have as little contact with her as possible. Unfortunatly she is 91, not in good health. So I have to do some things for her, out of obligation. She out lived 2 AHs. She ushered me through a miserable childhood with my AD, and her having affairs, working, and leaving me with my child molester gramdpa. It just keeps getting better doesn't it?? Anyway maybe she is the way she is, because she lived with 2 AHs. All I know is, I never had a mother. I could go no and on, at any rate she is a mean spirited, bitter, gossiping, back stabber. No one in the family wants anything to do with her. Here is a for instance, that will put a bow on the package for you. Around age 30, I had totally delt with my having been molested, and thought I would tell her. So I told her..... she said,"Oh that's too bad" And that was it. Anyway, maybe she would be different if she didn't live with 2 miserable drunks, who knows. I do know, that I have used her as an example in my mind, to be the polar opposite of, as a wife, mother, grandmother and friend.I strive to be nothing like her.

 



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Breakingfree


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I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this, I can so relate to your post. My Mother dealt with me telling her of my child molester in a similar way and I told her when I was 13 in hopes she would do something about it. What I have realized after years of al-anon and counseling is she didn't know any other way to deal with it, nor any other way to deal with her life. She did not have any kind of program or healthy outlets in her life. She was raised by a single Mom who had to work all the time and left her neglected and yes she too was molested and even worse in her childhood. She knew no differently at the time. In saying all that I had to deal with my childhood with a counselor, I had to deal with growing up with A parents in my face to face al-anon meetings and with my sponsor. What I came to know she really did the best she could, I do forgive her for not giving me what I needed or wanted as a little girl growing up in extreme dysfunction, but she did give me a better childhood then the one she had. I too strive to be a better Mother than my own, but my Mom also has a few great qualities I refused to see until lately. I am not judging you, I am hoping you are able to go through the emotions of the little girl and let go as you are able. I had to mourn a very long time for the girl within me, I had to deal with my childhood, so that I can now glance back at my past, but not stare. I no longer wish to be stuck in the anger I was in for so long, but to get there for me meant to deal with a lot of stuff and to release it all one by one. It took time, work and loving, caring professional's that knew what they were doing. I now love that little girl within me and care for her myself for she is me all grown up and living life now. I am sending you much love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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islandtime


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Breaking Free,

  Thanks so much for your post. I know that's exactly what I need to do, and I need to do it soon. She is not going to live forever. And I try to get to this place, then she says something evil  to one of my kids or grand kids, and  then I go back to the same old thinking. I need to forgive her for ME,  But it's hard to do . Just putting it out there on a post helps a lot.



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Debilyn


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It is hard to face ugly things. The more we go over them, the less power they have. This is a perfect place to vent.

We don't have to love a relative just becuz they are one. I removed a couple toxic ones out of my life. It is sad you never had a loving mother, and were left unsafe!

You can hate her behavior for sure. I already do!

I invite you to fill your life with lotsa love and happy things. Myself I would not have her around my kids, no way. I like my life light, mellow, truthful, clean, safe, so I do my best to make it that way. I won't allow evil to be around me.

Maybe change your focus, sounds like you are working on it. Maybe say I am a good mom, I like to make cookies with my kiddos, go on hikes, hang out the cloths, keep our home safe and happy. Instead of I will be NOTHING like her. Ignore her horrible life past and present. Just be who you want to be.

I don't know if you can afford it, not sure what you believe you have to do for her, but t hose things are choices. People can be paid for that. Also if she is on SS, you can contact them about doing an evaluation to see if she is eligible for a helper. Its part of her SS.

There is a dept of senior services, just call the dept of human rescources to get a number. they also have people who the government pays to help people like your mom.

I am glad you are here.  We all need to spill it and get support! '

btw it does not matter what or why she is how she is. What matters is YOU. YOU are worth love, as are your kids! We must love ourselves enough to not allow anyone to hurt us or treat us with disrespect.

see you on here again! debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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WorkingThroughIt


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maybe your mother is an Adult Child too?



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