Just need support - Al-Anon Family Group

ryanhearted · Senior Member

Just need support

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, R. Glad you've been going to meetings and are starting to understand this disease and how it works. I have learned that only my recovery is going to make a difference in my life. My loved one got and stayed sober for a while, was doing very well and then Bingo - back at it. Ultimatums - get into rehab and get sober and stay that way - always blew up in my face. Boundaries - if he's drinking or drugging, I'm going to withdraw my support for a while and continue to work my program in the early years of my As relapse helped me more. Truth is - with an A - there is always a chance of returning to the see-saw because there is always a chance for them to slip. That is why this is a one day at a time program. We also slip and want to believe what they tell us for all time and what they tell us can change in a minute, an hour, a day. We learned to trust what they show us. Your A has shown you that he's still very ill and that it is going to take time for him to make lasting changes, if any.

You're not alone. Everybody on this board has probably been there/done that. This is a new day. You can start your recovery program fresh today.
Whatever you said or did in the past can be allowed just to go. It takes us a long time to recover, too, and learn what boundaries work best for us and put those in place for ourselves and not to control the As. We've learned that doesn't work either.

Glad that you are getting yourself ready for the day by going to an on-line meeting. Progress - not Perfection - is the name of our game - one day at a time.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a safe place to vent, and, it is helpful to read the posts and attend the online meetings. It was not until I had regular attendance at al anon face to face meetings that I began to get quiet from the inside out. Your head chatter was my head chatter. In that chattery place, I could not be present to my life, there was no gratitude only misery. Other people had too much say over my happiness, because I was a shell....I wanted them to make my life tolerable. Your husband is sick in this disease and he will lie, manipulate, con, etc. Keep your recovery at the forefront. Alcoholics do what alcoholics do, pigeons do what pigeons do and to expect anything different is crazy. Take good care!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are here! The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie were the first two books I read after the 3 daily readers I bought in my first meetings. Those books helped my awareness and I learned so much about me and my situation that it was life changing. I suggest reading those and more and the meetings for me were crucial to find my sponsor who is priceless. I believed my AH even when my eyes told me differently and when you are ready you will stop doubting yourself, it will all come in time. My life took years to get to where it was when I found al-anon and I dove into my recovery program and it will take years and diligence on my part to get it to how I want it. We are all a work in progress and it already sounds like you have great awareness! Sending you love and support on your journey!

norasq · Veteran Member

It has taken me a long time to learn -- and I am still learning, every day -- that I can't change what my AH does. I can only choose what I do. I can make choices about what I will and will not live with. I have to remind myself of this quite often, because my reactions to my AH bump me into confusing beliefs every day.

I wanted so much to believe that it wasn't alcoholism. I wanted to believe that he could control his drinking. I wanted to believe that he was strong enough to recognize that he has a problem with drinking. I watched him limit his drinking (he has never agreed that drinking is a problem, just that he needs to "cut down" to one or two a day) and I felt horrible and guilty for walking around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt guilty for feeling suspicious and mistrusting and wary.

Now I understand that my wariness and lack of trust came from somewhere, and were powerful instincts. I worked hard to ignore them a lot of time time. But the reality was that there was a problem, I knew there was a problem, and I knew the rhythm of the cycles so I knew things would get worse again. And it wasn't until I realized that I couldn't change all of that, but could only choose whether I wanted to live in the midst of all of that, that I started to feel better.

Keep sharing here. So many of us have lived through some version of what you are going through.

Nora

oldergal · Senior Member

noragsq said it:It has taken me a long time to learn -- and I am still learning, every day -- that I can't change what my AH does. I can only choose what I do. I can make choices about what I will and will not live with. I have to remind myself of this quite often, because my reactions to my AH bump me into confusing beliefs every day.

This is very true, make YOUR CHOICES, and keep coming back there is support here. Oldergal

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When we make boundaries, if we ignore the consequences we stated, we are not holding to our part. It makes it look like he did something right so you didn't stick to it. So for what reason should he follow the boundary?

He is an addict/alcoholic, of course he drinks. For me I learned thru Al Anon, we learn skills to live with them as is, we stay the same and things will be the same and worse, or we end it.

It's not fair to anyone for us to stick around and condemn them for being who they are, or for acting out with symptoms of the disease.

I got where I didn't want to hear anything about his disease. If it were me, I learned not to react at all. If he said, yea i blew it. I would have said, I am sorry, it must be hard to have the disease. Left it at that.

No one is making us stay with an A. I mean how would someone feel if they knew ice cream made them sick. Then they go out and have some, come home and are sick. The spouse then starts freaking out how you know you get sick, you cannot leave the bathroom, you said you were not going to eat it anymore, and comdemned you? It's no ones business but our own, plus someone pointing fingers we feel worse and unloved!

I strongly believe in minding my own business. If I cannot live with him how he is, then I won't.

Love the person, it is ok to hate the symptoms, or behavior. I detached that way. I adored my AH so much. knew him all my life. The addiction was ez to see and I learned to give it no attention. It was the brain damage that made him physically abusive that I could not safely live with.

We can only change ourselves, no one else.

To say AH I choose to live without an A in my life. ok or learn how to live with one. Its not a fault to relapse. using is a symptom of a horrible disease.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

ryanhearted · Senior Member

Thank you everyone soo much! I made it to the counselor, and I picked back up the book, "getting them sober". Crazy title, but so helpful. It really is important to accept what I am able to do. I have made the decision to let him stay, with the conditions that he not drive our youngest daughter for at least the next 6 months. I am working on getting support for getting her to her after school activities, and I will be talking with him tonight regarding supporting around the house and without the attitude.

I know he is sick. THis was what was thrown in my face so clearly this weekend. I know he had some years of sobriety and working a program. But he is not there right now. And until he is, I have to do the majority of the work. At least in caring for our daughter and keeping her safe. If he drinks, it won't matter. I've got her covered. It will matter to me. If his drinking escalates again, we will probably separate. But I'm hoping that he wants to get better. But being sober and working to stay that way is different from being dry. Right now, today, he is dry. But he is being quite obnoxious in the process. He is mad at me for not letting him drive with her. Funny, I don't really care. I feel so much better knowing I have a condition that will keep me from worrying and that I can live with. I told him he hurt me. That is really the crux of this. The hurt. And I will remind him of that when we talk tonight. I don't want him asking me to let him get her from school. If he wants to help, he can work on planning dinner and helping out that way.

You guys are awesome! Thank you for the support. I felt horrible the other day, and now I feel hopeful, for me and her. I am human. He is sick. But I will be okay, as will my daughter. Whether he will is up to him. I hope that he will make it. I will be going to a f2f meeting on Thursday, in my city, so I"m hoping to get more support. I really want a sponser, so that when slips happen like this weekend, I can work on being understanding with myself. I really can't thank you guys enough.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You're welcome AND it is so good to read some of the choices you have made that will help you feel "safe and solid" as Debilyn stated a few days ago at yours or someone else's post. (((RH)))

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