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I'm new on this board. A little background ... I have been attending Al Anon meetings for 18 months and I have a sponsor. Four months ago my RAH served me separation papers - we have been married for 17 years and have a 14 yr old daughter. At first he wanted a financial separation but for the past 3 months has been pushing to sell the house. I have been a SAM for 11 years and do not work. Last week I received papers for a court hearing to force the sale of the house and child custody. RAH tells me he wants a separation not a divorce. He wants to sell the house, go our separate ways and maybe we can reconcile down the road once we are both on our own. He says he still loves me but that we are broken. I agree we are broken but I'm willing to work on myself and our marriage to make things better. I've shared with RAH that I closed my heart off to him for a number of years because I was hurt and had resentments. I realize I lost myself over the years and I'm slowing getting myself back - my self esteem, etc. At times RAH is loving and affectionate then next thing I know he's filing for child custoday. All this is very confusing to me. Why go through selling the house, etc and put our daughter through all the emotional turmoil?
I'm having a very difficult time letting go and letting God (my HP). I know I'm powerless over the alcoholic and I'm realizing my part in the past 14 years of the craziness. I feel very sad, hurt and scared. I don't want my marriage to end and I'm willing to work to make things better but RAH is not. I'm having a hard time accepting that. I'm trying to trust in God and open my heart to His will. I have been praying a lot, reading literature and talking to my sponsor. I have some good days and some not so good days. I'm not having a good day today and feel in a bad place. I think one thing that is triggering the uncomfortable feelings are the legal paperwork and court letters I've received in the past week. The reality of it all is tough.
I keep going back and forth between wanting to make the marriage work and moving on, I deserve better. I still love my husband and feel a committment to my marriage vows and that pulls me to stay. But then I can also see that I'm not being treated with the respect, consideration, etc I deserve. I also realize I can't expect RAH to be perfect after attending AA but he's not been going to meetings and it doesn't appear that he's a working a program - I know that's not my business.
So, if you have experienced any of this please let me know what helped you get through it. I'm confused, hurt, sad and scared.
CAgirl...Welcome to the board..you are in the right place along with your program and your sponsor. For me if you and your husband are honestly working at restoring and rebuilding the relationship than the consequence you get is that it will be rebuilt. If you're only talking it and not walking it than someone's betting on luck. If both of you are working on it...let go of the thoughts and behaviors that deal with separation and divorce...that isn't what you're saying you want...don't fool around with what you don't want. If it isn't what you want...don't play that card...I didn't when my wife and I were separating...I worked my personal recovery first until the reality of that issue became primary and I was ready. My alcoholic/addict was still drinking and using so the outcome was certain. In your case the present is different.
Do an honest inventory of you and your part in the marriage and ask him if he will do the same..make copies...staple them together and then do a mutual inventory...pull out the things that need to be changed and gather the tools including HP, program, fellowship, sponsorship and daughter. Keep it simple...get it done. When one stops working...the other one stops also. Dishonesty sends the workers home. Start it with a prayer...end it with a prayer...do the prayer together...Serenity Prayer, Servants Prayer, Lords Prayer...A prayer.
Use to work with married couples also. Keep coming backk (((((hugs)))))
Hi. Welcome to MIP. I notice a lot of ambivalence in your share on your part. That's certainly understandable under these conditions. Although I agree with Jerry, I also think that you are being pushed to something you don't want to do if I'm reading correctly here? If you don't have to sign the papers, then perhaps you could apply the "When in doubt, don't" slogan to them for now. Frankly, I'm not sure you know all there is to know about your X's desire to sell the house. If it were me and I could do it, I would wait until I knew more facts about this what sounds like "out of the blue" set of legal documents coming to you through the mail. His being loving and then the legal papers which sound like a surprise to you all feels manipulative to me. When I feel somebody attempting to "work" me, I wait as long as I can before I take any action. Basically, a method of letting my HP and clarity guide me.
Glad you're in Al-Anon. Keep coming back to the boards, too.
I can't add anythng much to Jerry and Grateful, I , too see ambivelence in your post....When I am not sure?? I wait...gather info....clarification......something sounds kinda funny here on his actions...and U, not being sure you want to "go there" re: divorce, separation, etc., I think I would wait
AND add that, if he is not in program, not working steps, he def. could slide into drinking again and things will go back to U having to shut down, detach, etc., so U might want to think on that....really??? I like what Grateful said b/c I do it all the time...."when in doubt??? DON"T" OR at least WAIT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you so much for the responses. I appreciate the feedback.
We live in CA and I don't have the option of "waiting" regarding a separation/divorce. In CA you can get a separation/divorce if one party wants it. So, as much as I don't want a separation/divorce I don't have a choice - RAH is moving forward with it. I wish RAH was willing to work on our relationship but he's not. That has been one thing that has been tough for me. I feel like I hung in there for some many years during his active drinking ... honoring our wedding vows - for better or worse and I feel like he's not willing to do the same.
Yes, I am being pushed into something I don't want and I'm having a hard time accepting that. I think this is why I'm ambivalant. I know I need to go back to Step 1.
We are still living in the same house because we can't afford for him to move out. I have not worked in 11 years and he blames our debt on me. I realize his "blaming" is typical alcoholic behavior, however he has manipulated our daughter into thinking I don't care enough about the marriage to work. RAH and I discussed our budget in January and I agreed to go back to work. I'm actively looking for a job. The money issue doesn't make sense to me because we both will be in a worse financial situation living separately.
RAH has been on dating sites for the past few months - I addressed this with him and shared how hurtful it is and disrespectful to not only me but our daughter.
The situation is a mess and I get pulled into the craziness when I'm not feeling strong. This is one of those days. All the things I just wrote about show me what a toxic relationship I'm in and why I should get out. We have been together for 21 years and it's just tough to let go, especially with having a child together. All my friends and family tell me I'll be better off and I know I will be - it's just getting there. I think the other thing that is so hard is that I'm not able to do it when I'm ready - I'm being pushed into it but again, I need to listen to God's will and not mine.
I struggled with lots of emotions and had to face my fears big time. It was not pretty and it was not comfortable, but what came of it, was I proved to myself I could make it on my own and I found my serenity. So two years after the divorce is final I am better for it! It is tough and I had very bad days, but I dove into al-anon meetings, found my sponsor and am now healthier then ever putting one foot in front of the other and accomplishing things I was only able to dream about years ago. I hope you can dive into your recovery program and take great care of yourself and daughter! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm wondering about the onesided separation/divorce, maybe you can file for separation/divorce, but you still need that signature from the other party for it to be final.
In California you can publish in the paper and if there is no response, then you can divorce if they to not contest. I filed for divorce and he received it in the mail, you have to have the signature of the other person to procede.
When did Alchoholics ever make any sense??
I agree with Grateful about not signing anything. If you are forced to go to court before the judge, tell the judge you do not want it and want to work on it, the judge may order counseling.
I remember the alcoholic husband was always asking for a divorce, though he never served me, I would ignore him, we were married 26 years.
Try to hold off till everything becomes clearer. He could be drinking very heavy or having blackouts.
