The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, Jim. When my son was arrested the first time and spent time in jail and in prison, I was anxious, too. People are going to be judgmental. That's just the way we are unless we have to grow through some stuff and come out on the other side a little more compassionate - a little more learned. I chose to tell only those people I knew who cared about my son or me at first. Later, I chose to talk very little about the happenings with my son because I was more focused on my life than his.
Today, I let folks know what I think need to know before we get real close. Not all folks - just folks that I know and have spent a lot of time with and trust. Some people don't want to be friends with others who have had or do have kids in jail/prison. That's fine with me. We aren't a match. Since it is my son's life and not mine, I don't think I have to say anything about him at all unless it makes sense to do that. Having a son that I never talk about is as strange as having a son I always talk about. So, when the occasion arises that I do need to say something, I basically say that my son has an illness over which he has no control nor do I. I use any questions I might be asked about him as an opportunity to share the truth about alcoholism and to pass on a little of what I've learned about alcoholism and what has helped me overcome some of the effects of that disease. I make sure I bring in similar and non-curable diseases like diabetes or cancer as comparison diseases to the conversation as a means of helping others understand things that they might not understand and then go into how the treatment is different for each disease. Amazing how many people share similar stories once they hear me talk about mine. Its just that I'm still picky about where I share anything. If my good friends are asked questions about my family, they'd refer the cowardly questioners to me. Of course, those questioners don't care about us most of the time. They're just curious - so they aren't going to approach me. They miss an opportunity to learn something they may need to know some day.
It takes awhile to work all this through, Jim. With Al-Anon, you will. (((SJ)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of August 2013 03:29:37 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of August 2013 05:01:39 PM
Aloha Jim...Sounds like his drinking and his consequences are pulling you into his problem which you don't have a solution for. I'm grateful for the program and my sponsors and the fellowship who taught me simple responses to invitations to participate in something which wasn't my problem. When the curious use to ask me for information I would direct them to my alcoholic/addict...they could get it from the "horses" mouth. Some times I used the statement at the end of the meeting...I would not gossip or critize the alcoholic. I also remember the passage in the literature about "soonest released soonest over" or something like that. Sponsorship and Higher Power helped me best to redirect my thinking and my actions into my own recovery and also to practice acceptance more. "Admitted I was powerless...wanted sanity and needed a Higher Power to get it and focused on my relationship with God more than my relationship with my alcoholic/addict. Then my HP used my alcoholic/addict to be the best metaphor for earning recovery I have ever seen. Special...
The man is your Dad and your Alcoholic and not your problem.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 25th of August 2013 04:13:59 PM
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Over the last couple of days, since hearing of my dad's second dui, I have a whole mix of emotions. Anger, resentment, relief....but a new one has emerged, anxiety. Anxiety over the prospect of having to potentially (key word), explain this to people.
I don't know what's going to happen to my dad. I know he doesn't want sobriety. He says he does, but his actions clearly state otherwise.
He called me yesterday and he's been getting really angry at people. He asked me for someone's e-mail that we mutually know in AA, so that he could rip into him because of some things he felt he was wronged on. When he phoned he was out of breath and constantly sniffling. The police are coming to his house telling him to stop harassing people.
He is afraid he is going to lose everything, afraid he will end up in jail. His work has said they will look into getting him help but I am sure they are looking for a way to legally be done with him.
I am picturing myself meeting new people or on a date, and I dread the notion of having to tell people about my family life and my upbringing.
I just wish it could be easier. I just wish people weren't so judgemental.
I have held off on telling my friends. Not because they would see me any differently, but because I want to keep this aspect of my life out of my social life.
Grateful2be wrote, "Amazing how many people share similar stories once they hear me talk about mine." That is my experience too. People are often so relieved that they no longer feel pressure to present their families or their pasts as perfect.
And in my experience, about 95% of people have a family member who is "off" in some way. An alcoholic uncle or a cousin with mental illness or a sibling who has gotten into trouble time and time again, or what have you.
To my mind, there are two kinds of friends: people who have a problem family member, or people with awareness who have a problem family member. So the question I ask myself is not "Does this person have a problem family member?" But "Does this person show awareness about their problem family member?" By "awareness" I mean growth, recovery, perception, healthy detachment. Because that's the way we develop that kind of awareness and emotional growth -- through coping with someone with problems.
When to reveal what is a skill you develop, I think. When you don't know someone well, you might say, "Well, that's just my dad, he has, you know, Issues!" And you smile and roll your eyes a little. When you know them a little longer and better -- like months, with some more revealing talk about their lives, less impersonal -- you might say, "Well, that's my dad, he's got some drinking issues." Then you watch carefully to see how they react, whether it's "Oh that's disgusting, how could he be so stupid?" or changing the subject or "Oh dear, that sounds hard, sorry to hear about that." If it's one of the first two, you know you probably won't get an enlightened reaction, so you know to keep that person at the "friend but not important friend" level. If it's the third, you suspect you can talk more deeply, and you gradually do. It's a useful filter in getting to know who's worth trusting. Because even if you didn't have a problem family member, you'd only want for your closest friends people who had a healthy perspective and awareness.
also , to me, its nobodies business....I don't talk about my A brothers and my A and NA brother, youngest except for in recovery where I am anonymous and noone knows their names........
IF someone, in the "regular" world asks me why I am either separated or just distancing myself from my family, I just mention, depending on WHO is asking me what I need to say....
but folks who are not important to me, or strangers I just say that I am not close to my family , my parents are dead, and I leave it at that...
When I got on my meds with this doctor whom I have been seeing since 2004 , my Doctor , of course, wanted to know why I had ptsd/generalized anxiety...and my med history, etc....I told her w/out a bunch of hystrionics, that I was incested, beaten, traumatized and abandoned by my parents and older siblings and I am in recovery 12 steps, but my symptoms are so disabling that I cannot really manage a livable life w/out doing medication....We had a good talk, her and me and she did not invade me anymore then necessary, she just wanted to know how "long" we may be on this program of my being on meds....WE both know this will be chronic use....So she tests my liver to make sure I am healthy ea. 6 months and so far, so good....
If I get close to someone, who ISN"T on the "need to know" list and they are safe...real safe, I will share more, of course, b/c that is part of intimacy...sharing and feeling safe...but that is EARNED over time....intimacy means to me...." In to me see" and I don't "go there" with folks unless they have shown me they are REAL safe to share with, then I just give the facts w/out a bunch of bashing and cursing the person...Not even the offender...yea, I call him names in here b/c at times, I need to vent...in the regular world, not many folks know about him....Just the ones REAL close to me...
my best friends who are few, but 24 carat the best, know everything about me, my history, etc., as I know theirs....
Trust is a gift...it is earned....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Why do you have to tell your friends or anyone anything about your father at all. I tell my best friends things because I know they will not judge me, but everyone else have no need to get into my business. When people bring things up to me that I am uncomfortable speaking about I either change the subject or say ask him if you need to know his business it isn't for me to discuss. I respect peoples privacy as well as my own and until I learned that I owe no one any explanations, especially ones that have nothing to do with them it made my life much easier. In my program I have learned to focus on me and what is in my hula hoop and although our A's sometimes send ripples our way, it is our choice on taking it personally or letting it go. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Why do you have to tell your friends or anyone anything about your father at all. I tell my best friends things because I know they will not judge me, but everyone else have no need to get into my business. When people bring things up to me that I am uncomfortable speaking about I either change the subject or say ask him if you need to know his business it isn't for me to discuss. I respect peoples privacy as well as my own and until I learned that I owe no one any explanations, especially ones that have nothing to do with them it made my life much easier. In my program I have learned to focus on me and what is in my hula hoop and although our A's sometimes send ripples our way, it is our choice on taking it personally or letting it go. Sending you love and support!
Spot on, Breakingfree.....I 10000% concur with what U R saying.....I used to think "oh I have to tell so and so b/c they asked" well??? if so an so asks me to steal am I gonna do that??? NO!!!! I don't owe anyone my business unless it is on a need to know basis, like my doctor and I talking about my trauma, OR if I got serious with a guy or got really close to a friend, I might share what I had to, there again, unless it is someone REAL special, I don't owe them my business......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I appreciate your honesty...this is a great place to empty out. You will know the right thing to say at the right time. Stay focused on your wonderful recovery; you are doing great.
