The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I too lived in denial and pretend for a very long time I had no other tools and being affected by this disease I could see no other way. Your awareness and acceptance are signs of great growth and a willingness to face the past, learn from it and let it go The Steps, MIP and a sponsor will help you through this part of the program'.
Thanks for your honesty
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of August 2013 01:30:27 PM
Hi. I was beaten. There was horrible turmoil in the house. It still wasn't easy to leave. In my experience with Al-Anon, I learned that my family had been affected by it for generations. I was the only person (to my knowledge) who ever sought treatment for the disease and it took years in Al-Anon to see the truth about my own family. That's part of the reason it wasn't easy to leave.
As much as you'd like to apologize to your kids for not choosing a better father for them, you are not responsible for the alcoholism that both of you and your kids have been affected by.
Untreated alcoholism - and the best treatment for it thus far in our nation is 12 step work in AA and Al-Anon - is something we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure - therefore, we are not responsible for it. It affects us in the ways you detailed above. Once we become aware of its affects on our lives, we can then start the long road of recovery from the effects of this disease.
Guilt and shame are two of the distressing facets of this disease. Anger and resentment are another 2. As a non-recovering person I ran around apologizing for everything - my self-esteem was so low. I can remember running into a trash container I didn't see and apologizing to it - I felt that bad about myself way back then. Amends making comes much later in our Step Work. It's step 8. We start with Step 1. Be gentle with yourself first. Nobody in their right mind wants to raise 3 kids alone and to be poor if they have a choice. You did the best you could given your circumstances and the knowledge and wisdom you had at the time.
Now, you are gaining more knowledge about this disease and how it hurts us. You are also gaining a support system. Al-Anon meetings, on-line meetings with us, Conference Approved Literature, and this board will help you in your choice to recover slowly from the effects of this disease and your current feelings will change.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of August 2013 09:52:18 AM
Another brilliant realization has just popped into my mind. Asside from every other aspect of living with my AH. I have taken on the extra burden of keeping all this disfunction under wraps. Most people think I really have it made, living the life, married to a great guy. Oh how lucky I am LOL! I am lucky in a lot of ways, and very thankful for that. BUT, I think at has taken a lot of energy to live a big fat lie for 40 YEARS!!!! I started protecting his image and the image of our marriage/family from the beginning. I the process of denieing just how bad things were, and covering up the rest, I see I did myself and my kids a big disservice. We all lived lives without any love and connection to him. I feel guilty for not doing better for my kids. I sold us out for a good life otherwise. I knew we lived in a nice house, and they went to nice schools, we were comfortable. I certainly entertained the notion of getting divorced many times, but didn't want to be raising 3 kids and be poor. so I lived the lie, kept the big secret, and trudged on.
If he beat me, or the kids, or if there was horrible turmoil in the house all the time, or if he didn't work, or was getting himself in trouble with the law, it would have been easy to leave. Instead the years ticked by in silence. We all lived with a robut in the house. My heart would break and break from neglect, and disapointment, and sadness. Home life was reasonably quiet, he was at the bars, strip joints, playing sports with his buddies. We were busy doing our own things. I need to apoligize to my kids for not having a better dad for them. the kids have been out of the house for a long time. But I'm still sitting here being neglected, disapointed and sad, what's wrong with this picture. He doesn't break my heart anymore though, He finished that off a long time ago.
Oh my, G2B, I thought I was the only one who did that! I'll take it to another level- When things have been bad, I get jumpy, and I tend to see things out of the corner of my eye- say, a coat hanging on the back of the door or a flapping curtain and I'll jump and give a little gasp- and then APOLOGISE TO IT!!! I'm sorry if I startled you, curtain....lol...good grief.
I grew up being abused and with it comes lots of shame. I am glad you are seeing it and dealing with it. Al-anon has taught me how to deal with my past, so I can live in my present. I am so glad you are here. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
that's another aspect of the whole thing, I grew up with an A dad. I was told to keep all his doings a secret. Don't tell anybody he threw up inside the car.... Don't tell anybody you were told to hide beer bottles under your dress, so the cops wouldn't see them , after he had a wreck, with you in the back seat..... Just keep your mouth shut ! Don't tell anybody how you got that black eye.
I learned early on to not have friends over, every one was scared to death of him. We kept the phone under a pile of blankets, so he wouldn't hear it ring, and get pissed off. The stories go no and on. I grew up in a disfunction factory. I pretended all was well. I had no brothers or sisters, so I was really alone in all of this. I guess I have never really never known anything else. It sounds like I'm wollering around in self pitty, but actually I'm not, It's just a story about how I got to be where I am now.
Had I grewn up in a different environment I no doubt would be somewhere else now.
we were comfortable. I certainly entertained the notion of getting divorced many times, but didn't want to be raising 3 kids and be poor. so I lived the lie, kept the big secret, and trudged on.
If he beat me, or the kids, or if there was horrible turmoil in the house all the time, or if he didn't work, or was getting himself in trouble with the law, it would have been easy to leave. Instead the years ticked by in silence.
well everything in life is a trade off to me.....It was easier for me to leave b/c I had the abuse (AH #1) and poverty...so I figured , It was better to be poor alone................AH#2 provided us a better life, he was working his way up in the navy and was doing well, and he was a "NICE" drunk, also he did gun repair on the side and made good money.... so yea, I did the sme thing....I staid b/c I wanted the financial easier way and he was nice to me.... but, finally I wanted recovery and he did not....funny...he was paying for my shrink who talked me into getting into 12 steps.....I told him "recovery or we split" I wanted to get well msyelf and as my therapist said, I had to learn how to take care of me, put me first, love me first, so I COULD be a better person to the ones I loved............"C" chose NO recovery...........i asked him to leave..........he did......it was peaceful........but yea, I can relate to not wanting to give up my security if it is bearable living with him, and if he isn't too bad....I would just jump into my program, work on me, go to meetings, work the steps, detach from the drinking part of him, and do my own thing......I could find happiness in myself , doing my own thing, in my own recovery and yea, I could do it.....I would definitely have to have the inner understanding that I did not CAUSE his drinking......cannot CONTROL him in anyway........DEF. cannot CURE him..............so....with that in mind, any boundaries I set up would be about me....for me....to care for me.....to protect me..........never with a thought of changing him.
Untreated, his disease will get worse....if he does not stop drinking it will catch up to him....his organs will begin to shut down as will his mind.......its not pretty to watch.....i watched my mother drink herself to death, and even tho I didn't really love her, it was ugly to watch.....so that is the downside of staying w/an active drinker.....it progresses.....never improves w/out complete abstinence and HARD work on a AA program.............I totally understand where u r coming from......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Are you new to Alanon? I ask this because these realizations just kept coming for me to and still do really. The way I handled them was to forgive myself. I did the best with what I knew at the time. We were acting out of lack of awareness, acceptance and reality. These things disappear in our kind of households as a survival technique in some ways. I am trying to make amends too through my new attitude and coping skills. I dont always do this well but I need to say sorry to my children to. Take care.x
Islandtime-- Wow, I am you, most of what you say. My AH is here mostly wandering about making everyone nervous. Not because of any reason really, but that we don't know who we will get. The loud annoying one that thinks we are laughing with him, or the pi**ed off one because... well just because. When his choice of sport is in season he will be gone every other weekend usually. Peace , quiet and rest.
I feel so guilty too. I feel awful for my 1 & 2. I'm almost there... almost ready to just face it and let him know that we've got to do something.
Islandtime - I grew up in a very strict, straigh-laced household. I had absolutely no experience with an alcoholic. I married one and kept the secret for 25 years. I finally was able to open up to my therapist who slowly but surely helped me see that the man I was married to is an alcoholic. I was waiting all these years for him to get better - maybe if I did this or that, he'd stop drinking and love me. Or, I need to get him out of here before everyone realizes he's drunk - hoping that he'd pass out in the car so he wouldn't hurt me for "embarrassing him". There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty that I didn't leave long ago for the kids. I feel selfish because I stayed for me, not them. Afterall, how bad could it be? He works, we have a roof over our heads, he's nice when he IS sober. Alcoholism can touch anyone - doesn't matter your background. Thank God I found my therapist who gently suggested Alanon to me. It's the best decision I've made in a very long time.
Some of the old timers at my meeting say you get Alanon when your truly ready. This forum will also really helps. I have taken a break from the forum for a while and the posts Ive read from people who came after me show amazing progress. It's like a miracle. I'm a relative new comer too. Only 1yr and a few months but progress seems to be so quick. Its the best thing I ever did. Good luck.x
It's great isn't it, we put up with all the crap and then get to carry the burden of keeping the secret too. I'm just all kinds of done keeping his secrets. This stuff weighs me down, and with every post, I feel lighter.
Yes, since I've started Alanon, I have shared my story a few times with close friends and family. It amazes me each time I share that no one judges me. I'm the only one judging me. People want to help ---- if only I hadn't kept the secret for so long. I have regrets - everyone does. However, I need to remember that I'm on a new journey to do what I want to do, when I want to do them and to live free of the chaos and anxiety living with an alcoholic brings. I'm learning to trust for the first time. I finally am beginning to have some peace, and my kids are as well.
I didn't share much about my personal life at all. Few people knew from my mouth what I lived in. I'd been taught if you make your bed, lie in it.
I'd also been taught that my vows were sacred. I believed in the "until death do we part." Even after I divorced, few - if any - friends or family members knew what was happening because I didn't talk about it. It wasn't until a friend saw marks on the back of my arms - two years after the divorce - that things truly changed for me. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter how long it took or takes us to get help - the good news is that we do. I'm so glad you're able to open up and let life in again. Keep coming back. It only gets better from here.
