The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling emotional this morning as I've communicated with my AM & wondering if it was a mistake.
Started attended alanon & realized i no longer can deal with mums alcoholism. She is approaching end stage Hep/Liver disease. Not hospitalized but struggling to breathe, needing toilet all the time, ankles swollen, and emotionless. I recently texted her saying that 'we're going round in circles and that i was no longer going to enable her alcoholism or be affected by it anymore whether she wants to admit it or not.' She just replied by saying 'forget about my life, you haven't answered my question, are you still moving away or not and so you still want this sofa bed?' so i just said 'no thank you' as i've already bought another one as i don't want to rely on her anymore.
This morning i just thought I'd text her saying 'luv u xx' & she text back when she woke up saying 'yes and i love you. i just need answers about whats the problems x'
I had mixed feelings with this , felt a bit sorry for her because she didn't seem to understand what the problem is....... and also, elephant in the room? hello, you're killing yourself and being abusive to me and drink a litre of sherry a day and have done for 30 + years......
I replied with 'you already know what the problem is. You're drinking. I can't be around it anymore, it's too painful for me. I'm sorry.'
I've been crying a little bit since. I despise it. Why can't she just sort herself out, get real, if she doesn't i'm moving and i don't even want to attend her funeral. I feel like a horrible person for saying that but if she carries on, i never want to meet up with her again. Not even after death.
Im sorry gwerty, this is such a horrible disease that takes so much from us and them. I felt like this for years - why cant he just get sober? why is he doing this to me and his children? and on and on. After a while in Alanon, I began to realise that this is a disease that is powerful and so they cant get sober for all our reasons or they would. Its deeper than that. We have no power or control so our words wont change anything. If this was the case there would be no alcoholics because the magic words or actions would have been discovered long long ago. When we accept this fact a weight is lifted. This is not your fault, you can't change it and there is no cure. All you can do is take care of you and live your own life to the best of your ability. I know this sounds impossible because this person that you love is slowly killing themselves so surely you have every reason to be sad, miserable, angry etc? Well you do have that choice and it is a choice. I made this decision every day of my life for 20 years. I never knew I had a choice. I have had to learn about the other choice - freedom, acceptance, happiness (regardless) all other good things. I learned this new way to think through going to meetings, daily readings, this forum and so on. I have to work at changing negative thinking patterns and when I truly work it I get the rewards. There are tools that help you live, truly live. They came to me slowly, they are all there for the taken but certain processes like acceptance, forgiveness etc lead them to you. Reading your post one tool came to me, which is 'Detach with love' This means protecting yourself from hurt but doing so in a kind and loving way and in doing things this way you keep from guilty feelings and thus keep hold of your serenity. For me detaching with love takes practice but also a few things must be in place first, like forgiveness for past hurts, acceptance of reality, forgiveness for our own mistakes, pure motives - like I want to protect myself from being hurt so I cant/wont do this/that... instead of i wont do this or that because you are drinking and i want you to stop....
I am not sure this makes much sense to you, I hope you dive into your program because a better life is there for you. Take care.x
I am so very sorry that your mom is so ill and unwilling to seek help. Denial and pretend are powerful tools that the disease of alcoholism fosters so as to keep everyone sick and isolated.
I hear your sadness and pain and have been there with a husband and son, as well as currently with various family members. . Alanon Face to Face meetings helped me when I was hopeless and lost. It was there that I finally moved out of my denial and looked honestly at this dreadful disease and attempted to lean to accept the facts of it and how to respond to it.
I learned that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which I was powerless. That all the talking arguing and pleading in the world would not change the situation. . My family members were sick and not bad and that I needed the support of people who understood as no one else could.
I urge you to continue to attend alanon It will help you regain your serenity , courage and wisdom You mom is seriously ill and learning new ways to interact with her could help your relationship immensely
Please keep coming back here as well You are not alone.
(((Hugs))) Qwerty. This disease is horrible. But know that you are okay and you will be okay with your decision. Take good care of your self and keep coming back.
Q - There is nothing more that I can add to the remarkable support and wisdom that has been shared with you here. Lots of encouragement, support and prayers for you and your Mom are with you today. (((Q)))
We love and support you Qwerty. We understand every little hurt you feel right now.
Like we are told over and over....all we can do is take care of us the best we can so the heartbreak is not so hurtful to us and we can have some peace within this terrible disease..
Prayers go out to your and your Mom today
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I love that 'detach with love' I've been trying to practice that one over the last few days. Freedom, acceptance, and happiness are what i'd love to have in my life. I'm really struggling with how to handle my situation of detachment atm but i will keep doing the meetings and work on it, i went to my second meeting the other day, think i'm going to go to one tomorrow too. There is only me and the rest of the family put pressure on me to look after her. She has no partner and there are no other siblings to help. Maybe my move will encourage her into getting help as she won't have anyone but her friends, neighbors and lodgers who she gets to buy her her booze....something i stopped doing... which infuriates me that they enable her in that way.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been through it will so many family members. Yeah, i often see her as bad, and i get so angry and think how can she do what she does and say what she says and then i think well she was drunk but then i think well it's no excuse it hurts me so i've had enough of her, i love her, but i really don't want her in my life anymore, unless she's sober and goes to rehab. But i've thought this so many times and i slowly get pulled back into it. It's good to know i'm not alone thank you
(((Q))) Keep coming back. I'm SO glad you are going to meetings, too. The more support you allow for yourself, the less painful this sad time in your life will be.
