Seems like alcoholism is a dumb parasite too stupid to stop overtaking it's host even to the point of death and in turn dying... except the family - who has contracted it and must work so very hard to rid of it.

I was dying of alcoholism. The dumb thing was overtaking my life and was ready to kill me! Nothing - no amount of any logical anything could talk it out of it's death grip.  It wanted to live - so all this stuff was just a threat to it's sure death.

Near death experiences, pleading loved ones... even ME! I wanted to stop!!! I did not want to be this anymore - and I alone could not promise that to myself. I could not talk my disease out of it.

The pain of living with it was so horrible, I couldn't live with it or without it anymore... that was my bottom anyway. I came in trembling as 'the thing' left me slowly - and I just cried tears of joy and sadness for it all... not a single coping skill to get me through those first days other than this board and meetings. I used other people - and their skills and their HP for a long time until slowly I got my own.  If there weren't people who could be an example of recovery in my life, I would be dead by now.  All be can do is be that example now.  I had to see hope. I had to see others who were so down and out - just as sick or sicker than me - and listen and see them and know there was hope.

My mother would slip me literature. I would not read it.  My disease couldn't look at that... it knew it might die so my eyes had to be shut off.

I wonder what would have happened if I would have stumbled upon a speaker tape - or people listening to the greats - joe and charlie and them.

I lived where there was no AA, so even when I was ready to get help after a DUI - it wasn't an option. Not sure this is helping you - but I'm so sorry for your pain.  This disease sucks.  It hurts everything it touches and everything near it.  I get so pissed at it.  I get it - and yet it still hurts me through my stills suffering loved ones and still plays tricks on me.  All we have is each other - our family of choice sometimes, and that's okay to just scream THIS SUCKSSSS!!!

-- Edited by Tasha on Saturday 24th of August 2013 10:11:23 PM

 

 

I didn't cause it, cannot control it and will not ever cure it.  Repeat...I didn't cause it, cannot control it and will not ever cure it....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feeling sad with you and humbled because every day the disease is the disease no matter if the victims drink or not.  I will do what I need to do for me and cut myself loose from it's hooks.  (((((hugs))))) 

Jerry F wrote:

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I didn't cause it, cannot control it and will not ever cure it.  Repeat...I didn't cause it, cannot control it and will not ever cure it....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feeling sad with you and humbled because every day the disease is the disease no matter if the victims drink or not.  I will do what I need to do for me and cut myself loose from it's hooks.  (((((hugs))))) 

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 ((((((((((((((((((Cathy))))))))))))))))))  Jerry said what I was gonna say.......about the 3 C's and  disconnecting/detaching from the drinker and the disease...

I am soo soo sorry, Cathy...Wish I could come see you and take you for a nice walk and just listen to you....You didn't fail, lady friend...U R a MOM....We worry about our kids, but thank God program is teaching me to take my hands off, its ok to care, but thats all we can do AND it is a day to day, one day at a time proposition....................

(((HUGS))) Cathy

I am so very sorry for your heartache. No matter what it is hard to see a loved one hurting. Let yourself have that moment of grief, maybe take a walk or a hot shower and cry it out? You may feel a bit of release after that. They are all right (above) you didnt' cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Maybe you can pray about it - asking your HP to take over. And you haven't failed.. Things are they way they are and that's it. Even if you had, you should be gentle with yourself. let your self grieve and get it out of your system, and move forward. you still have *your* beautiful light to share.

Thank you for all of your posts - you have certainly helped *me*. For that I am grateful. Bless you.

Prayers Cathy 

I too have "Failed " many times when it came to my son.  You did not fail you did what you thought was the next right action.  Now it is time to Let go and again Let God.  We are powerless over this disease .

Before my son ended up in jail, back in December, he swore I was so wrong for kicking him out... that he had not been drinking or using anything.  That week he ends up in jail, and I start to doubt my actions.  Was I wrong?  Was what I was seeing, smelling just a part of my overactive imagination.  Could I have set the stage for him to feel so unloved, unwanted that it resulted in his drinking after I put him out, and thus ending up in jail??

I swore I was done with the insanity.  Always trying to figure it out, guessing, wondering...

A few days later, I went into the room he stayed in to clean it up as I had intentions of renting it out.  From under the bed came 14 empty cans of 24 oz ICE Buds...

No, I wasn't wrong... but it didn't make it hurt any less to know he was going down the road of alcoholism... and it wasn't going to drop him off any where good.

I can so feel you Cathy, I know how bad it hurts.  But we have to fully concede that we are powerless over alcohol, and trying to gain any power  over it, and those we love, only brings us hurt and disappointment, and our lives become very unmanageable in the process.

I like what Bettina said about alcoholics being clever.  But sometimes they can be so damn dumb!  LOL  I remember coming up this this grand idea... as the Big Book says.."Suddenly the thought crossed my mind".  I would buy Peppermint Schnapps, put it in a Scope mouth wash bottle and add food coloring #5 mint green to it.  It looked like mouth wash, smelled like mouth wash, tasted like mouth wash, in a mouth wash bottle.  I thought it was such a cool idea that I could leave it right out in the open on the bathroom sink and no one would even suspect it.  Well, with kids in the house and a crew of pets, somehow it ended up on the bathroom floor, was torn apart by one of my dogs, who got drunker than hooter brown.  And I got busted again!!!  Not a happy family and I was put in the dog house again!  Alcoholics don't get over on any one but themselves.  The truth always surfaces and we need to let go and let God when it does.

John

Cathy.... I so know that feeling.. Before my son reached out for rehab.. I would know when he was not ok.. I would get the phone calls at work by my mother and she would tell me my son did not look ok and I would call him, well this may sound stupid, but yes I would ask if he has done anything at grandmas and of course he would say no.. Well when I got home there he was sitting in the back yard his eyes half way shut and red wearing long sleeves at a temperature at 100 degrees outside. I would cry and beg my son to please stop for me for his daughter for himself and he would say he has been doing nothing.. Until I would find a box on the side of the house full of cotton swabs and so on after I have already found some before and threw them away but he would tell me those were old ones. I was and still am a basket case.. My son maybe in recovery but I am still sick just trying to figure out now that he has been away for 3 months what's happens next .. He tells me to stop projecting.. I get that but its hard not too, especially for all he has done .. His sponsers are actually helping me but there are days where I just want to hide and pray by myself from the world. My son has now 3 months in recovery on a Christian base recovery ranch 4 hours away from home. I see a whole different person , but my anxiety is still there and I can't seem to get better. We love our children so much , we would do anything to for them. But I know I was my sons worst enabler and I he agrees. Now I pray he continues with his recovery when he comes home for himself and his daughter. All we can do is pray and give god his children and allow him to guide them.. I thought many times as much as my son got caught by cops, that would be his rock bottom, but he would tell me now " mom I was not ready"..I ask him now what is different from now and 3 months ago. He said I was ready and tired, but the demon had me right where he wanted me and I was weak.. I realize I could not help him my way. I was just making him sicker. I do not ask him what his plans are when he gets home but I do tell him that his way was getting him no where.. I feel your pain.. I shed your tears. We have to help each other. We are not alone.. God bless and many prayers..

 

 

Sister when my son was nineteen he came to live with me...got away from his addict mom and addict geography and came to live with me.  I was recovering in both programs and had good practice time, all the literature and great sponsorship and that kept me serene and sober and didn't do a thing for my son who came to me within the practice of addiction.  I trusted the program explicitly. I had given up my program of enabling and self abuse entirely and so I cut myself loose from him with the awareness that what as happening to him and in his life was the consequence of his choices.  I was there for him as I was for other program members, friends and family and I would not enable because I learned the difference between helping and enabling at that time and I would not enable.  I went on about my life and fought the fights I had to fight in order for my life to be something my HP and I could nod to with a smile.  The program was and has been the only thing which has worked for me and so I worked it because it works.  I came back  home on my own choice and he followed soon afterwards with a wife and children and today that is all gone.  I do not know if he is actively using and drinking anymore and it seems that way.  There is more wreckage and it is not mine.  It is his and his wife's as they live their program of insanity.  He knows what to expect from "Pops" and his step-mother when it comes to helping language, thoughts, feelings and experiences and that is why they stay away.  They know that we will not and do not change our program to enable their insanity.  God's go it all and there are others that can help them if they will forget their insane behaviors, thoughts and feelings and do something else.  

This program works when you work it there will be pain from time to time and that is natural however suffering is an option.  I can't...God can...I'll let Him.  This is another practice time. Go for it.  

PS one boundary here is "no alcohol under our roof...by anyone, man, woman, priest, president...bring it in to have it poured out only".

In love and service.   ((((hugs)))) 

Thank you all. I went to a meeting tonight and have been doing a lot of praying asking HP to just give me some peace and help me let go. I'm so tired from the crying and hurt I just want to a good nights sleep. I want to just lay down my head on a pillow and dream of good things in my life.

I need to except....except for what it is..

I do understand his disease Cathy and that doesn't make it suck any less. I do understand how sick alcoholic thoughts work and how he is so incredibly uncomfortable with his reality and his feelings that alcohol has become both the cause of his pain and the cure. It's horrible.

I don't know what made me able to surrender so fully when I did. But I did.

I didn't go crying to my mom either when getting sober got hard. I just sort of instinctively knew I was trying to man up, grow up, and learn to function and it was not my mom's job any more. I cried like a baby to my sponsor and peers in AA. But that was all part of building a support network. Alcoholism destroys support networks and prevents people from building them. Your son has not worked AA. Has not fully surrendered. He is constantly taking half measures and feeling the pain of doings so.

Such a sneaky disease Cathy....If I got to the point of whining and crying to my parents, I would be relapsed....I know it. Mom and Dad can't fix my life. Expecting or thinking they could or shoud was part of my problem.

Anyhow, about you Cathy - I see tremendous growth in you still. All the time. This is a horrible and painful process but you are facing the pain and working through it. You are not housing your son and enabling him to the point of "loving him to death." Your actions speak recovery with little moments of needing to get back on the beam again after drifting. I've not seen you "mess up" at all. Just getting off center and getting back on again.

When I see a person new in sobriety, or in their first year - I put their odds of long term sobriety at like 10 or 20 percent and that is the people I see going to meetings a lot and really embracing the program. I am telling you this to help you keep your expectations low. I HATE HATE HATE that I am telling you to expect so little from your own son, and there is always hope...yes. My point is, I would not begin to trust in his sobriety at all until he has at least a couple years sober and has incorperated a lifestyle that is pretty much all about recovery. Until that point, he's still an active alcoholic or one biding time til the next relapse. Keep expectations low but don't catastrophize either if possible.

You are a great person. Take care of yourself. You are doing fine under horrible and extreme circumstances. Breathe.

Cathy I am so sorry.... {{{{{Hugs}}}}

Good morning Cathyinaz I pray for you a new day to find acceptance in and a way to let go and let God with whatever is to come. We have no control and never will with people outside of ourselves and for some reason that now helps me to find serenity, because I only had a false idea of control before anyhow. No matter how much I projected things always turned out differently and I wasted many beautiful moments, hours, days in my head merely surviving and I hope you see your way through this soon. Sending you much love and support!

Have a blessed day, Cathy. I am keeping you and your son in my prayers.

(((hugs)))