New here, need advice and an ear. - Al-Anon Family Group

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

New here, need advice and an ear.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, welcome to MIP. Lots of good support and guidance you've received here from the posters. I did want to add something here that I didn't see on the posts. My experience in the work that I do in an inner-City neighborhood has shown me that folks like to buy multiple pre-paid phones and use other people's phones to make drug deals. I'm not saying your husband is doing that, but I want you to be aware that he could be doing that. The person who owns the phone can be set up for police action when they were innocent of wrong-doing.

The other thing I want to say to you has to do with your children, you and pot in the house. Alcohol is a poison. It can be lethal for children and small animals. But, if the children don't have access to it - then danger for them is minimized when it comes to ingestion. What they can't be protected from is the smoke from "some weed" or whatever other drug is being used. In my State, if a person tests positive for a drug - whether they ingested it purposely or not, smoked it or breathed it in purposely or not, they can be held on charges. The children wouldn't be held on charges, but their bodies are breathing those chemicals in and they are helpless to protect themselves.

Perhaps you know these things already. I don't know and I certainly don't want to even suggest what you should do or not do in relationship to your husband and the children or yourself. I do want to say what I know on the off chance you don't know these facts. The information I'm sharing with you is meant to help you add to what you already know about living with a man who has been abusive to you in the ways you have described and wants to bring drugs and his alcohol into the house with you and with the children.

You aren't going to be able to change him, but you can get support and help in determining what you can do to help yourself and your children in this situation. I'm glad you have a therapist and still hope you will go to Al-Anon meetings, attend our on-line meetings, and follow through on the other suggestions that members of our MIP family have offered you. The lives of you and your children depend on it. Keep coming back. We're here for you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of August 2013 08:30:55 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 24th of August 2013 08:32:27 PM

RandomPerson · Member

I've been reading this board for about three months now, not really sure how to 'step in' to any conversations. I'd like to start in by saying that I read a lot of posts on here and think "OMG! MY AH DOES THAT!!". It's been nice to know that I'm not the only one who is going through this. - not nice that anyone is going through this, just that i'm not alone, and there is help.

My AH goes in and out of denial, he's been verbally abusive, physically abusive, and emotionally abusive. He managed to keep me all to himself for a long time. We met when i was 18 and so ready to run away from my own alcoholic mother that i allowed myself to be blindsided by another alcoholic. I just got my drivers license after being with my AH for fifteen years, there was always a reason, he'd always buy a standard or make a huge stink if i tried to get it without him knowing about it. It became easier to not fight him. Any friends I had were a huge issue for him. Once again I would give up the fight and just not see anyone. Shortly after my daughter was born two years ago, (I also have an older son with AH) he became physically abusive. He's always been verbally abusive, but this was too much. I became scared of him and even more withdrawn. I finally got the nerve to speak to a therapist on the phone during my work breaks. She has helped me immensely to become braver.

Going to al anon is not an option for me at the moment, so i've been speaking to the therapist whenever i can. I'm not going to be able to for awhile (she is on vacation last week and this week) and my AH has pulled a new trick on me. Now he asks me if it's okay for him to buy some weed. I said no and now he's going to drink. So that his new thing, if i say no to one but not the other than he'll choose the other. He knows I'm working on leaving and tells me that he has plans to go to AA every tuesday, for the past six weeks but has yet to go. It's become his way of keeping my hopes up. I've detached a long time ago because i know i can't 'save' him, he tries to convince me otherwise but i know better. he'll call me up when he knows it will fluster me (I'll be at work or driving or out shopping) and ask, "is it okay for me to drink? I'll be good!" and if i say it's not my decision then it's a long night of "you don't care about me that's why you let me drink!" or he will accuse me of playing 'head games' with him if i say ''no it's not okay with me if you drink'' then I'm being controlling and ruining all his fun and why can't i be happy for him and allow him to have fun and blah blah blah...

This is the third time this week he's pulled this on me. today he asked me to call his dealer (CAN U IMAGINE HAHA!) and cancel his order because last week he ran out of text when he stayed on bender for three days and drunk texted a woman he works with about what an awful person i am to him (she's an addict as well). I said no, but he could use my phone when i got home- as i was at work. I get home and he said he used my phone but he didn't, i can look up my call log anytime i want online. Instead he used my phone to call his co worker. So whatever. I don't even care about his new relationship but i do care that now it's all up to me to make up his mind.

One day he says he's going to get help, the next he's not getting help and it's my fault. I'm not really sure how to deal with this. I'm waiting for it to come to a head and for him to get physical again (he doesn't really hurt me....he's so wasted he just falls all over me and slaps me, i've learned to dodge and avoid him quicker or just shove him out of my way and leave the house), i already told him that if he hits me again i will call the police on him. now he just throws things in my general direction, and the verbal abuse is at an all time high, he has gone as far as to tell my son that i cheated on him (never have) and tell people that he won't sleep with me because i have an STD (i don't- and he can't perform sexually when he's on a bender). He's even trashed the house and had people come over so they could see what a horrible housekeeper i am. Then two days later it's back to 'getting help'. Oh and trying to have sex with me. which is fun. not really. So whatever. I'm over it. I just don't know how to deflect this new manipulation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

hisimage · Veteran Member

RandomPerson,
So glad you decided to post. I first came here a few weeks ago and would just read. I would actually get sick to my stomach. Even though I know my AH is an A, it became truer. I had to face it. These people here are wonderful,
very helpful. There is an online meeting that I will go to if my AH is not about, that is helpful as well. I'm in Cali so it is 6 my time, I don't know where you are.

Be well, friend. Stay strong.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

What really helped me when I first realized that I needed to get help was a book that was recommended on this board: "Getting Them Sober- Volume 3," by Toby Rice Drews. I thought that the book would be all about fixing my AH, but in fact, it really was about fixing me. It's available in electronic format so you can download it and read it on a Kindle or even on your computer. Sending you lots of support and hope that you will continue to learn from the posts on the board, as well as consider online meetings. "When nothing changes, nothing changes."

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Random...welcome to the board and great that you found the courage to speak up. This board has multi-tons of experiences for when we were where you are now. For me...I am a former Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager...saying that; I was qualified because I am also a former user of violence to control, manipulate and get my way from others. "THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR VIOLENCE" Is the truth now and it is okay for those that are victims of violence to put the perps butt in a box and ship it off to jail or prisons. Violence while the prepetrator is under the influence is even worse because they don't have the reality or sanity to see and choose other options...YOU ARE IN SERIOUS DANGER...KEEP YOURSELF OUT OFDANGER. He isn't going to keep you out of danger. A persor under the influence of mind and mood altering chemicals; alcohol and other drugs are not the normal people we want or expect to be around...they are altered!! Take your power to love and protect you back from him and work it yourself.

I read your post and I see, hear and feel the disease I was born and raised in. I no longer feel remorse for it because that self pity is a waste of time. What isn't a waste of time is helping and supporting others who reach out for help. You have found a loving, helpful and supportive family now...Welcome...listen for and follow the suggestions; one of which is is you are not attending Al-Anon face to face meetings at this time find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call it to find out where and when we get together in your area and come sit and listen and learn. If he threatens you about it or any other help you need and are getting use those three numbers 911 to get public safety to your door. You won't be the only caller to their dispatch...They also know. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It took courage to post...keep doing so, as we can provide some of the support you need. As has been suggested, attend face to face meetings asap. There are also meetings her online that you can participate in daily. You will receive additional support as others read your post. Take good care. It seems like he is a ticking time bomb.

sadsusie · Senior Member

I am so proud of you for finally posting! Although reading does help alot too. I understand some of your situation too. My AH was controlling and mentally abusive. I never realized I lived in "crazy town" until I got onto these boards and they started to show me what is REAL and that I should value myself. I did end up leaving my husband because I had turned in on myself and isolated myself that I was at a point where I was putting myself in danger of myself.

I had never wanted to leave and never "planned" to leave...but I had a plan IF if ever decided to. If that makes sense. I opened myself my own checking account (making sure to remind the women at the bank with a wink that this was private). I started squirreling money away...so that I would have cash for a place to stay or food or whatever "just in case". I am gonna throw this out there...if you have direct deposit. fill a new one out and send part to one place and part to your private account. Get a POBOX. I have found it extremely convenient to be able to send mail (like for the bank) to a separate address.

I made sure that I new how to get to the police station. I had their number in my phone as well. just in case. The day after I left I called a womens shelter and got some counseling.and they were able to provide a safe place to stay since I had isolated myself so much that I thought I didn't have friends. But to my disbelief the 2 people I called let me stay with them for about 3 weeks between the pair of them, and they still call me every single day (and I've been gone for 2 months).

You may also be surprised at how many people you know have been in a similar situation. While I was at work the other day I had asked directions for a CoDependency meeting (part of my personal treatment plan along with ALanon). a third person asked "what meeting"..and I just explained that I was going to a CoDa meeting because I am CoDependent and the first 2 women BOTH raised their hands and said "Me Too", and the 3rd girl said she wanted to go to an Alanon meeting because her Dad is a recovering alcoholic. One of the other ladies I work with was married to an alcoholic for 32 years, and another lost her father to alcohol at age 6 and her mother was an addict. (PS you would never guess from looking at any of us that we didn't live behind a white picket fence lol)

You are most certainly NOT alone, not here, and not in the world. But this group on this board is very very well educated in teaching you the tools to improving your life=). Keep posting, and reading, and keep coming back.

(hugs)

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Kudos to you for reaching out!

Sometimes when I was in your situation I felt like I had to fix things right away...and I would get all nervous and make plans...and feel like I had to do something right away! Rushing into fixes almost always made things worse for me...

What helped me is knowing that it takes time to get in to these situations, and it takes time to get out of them too...

If I have anything to offer you...I'd say...easy does it, and one day at a time.

I also developed an escape plan (there are good templates on domestic violence websites) ...so if things got really bad at home, I had a safety plan to keep myself from getting really hurt, or worse.

Eventually, things got better for me...but it sure seemed like forever going through it...

Keep coming back...and remember ...take what makes sense to you and leave the rest

Sending strength,

RP

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome

So happy to see you coming here and finally posting. It helps so much when you stay connected. I have slacked off and now I'm paying the price. I'm going to get caught up in the madness because of my own doing and getting involved again. I can't believe I have done this.

I'm telling you this because it's not a overnight quick fix to help ourselves become sane and at peace whether they are drinking or not. I know as long as my A is a active in his disease

I hope you will continue coming here and start a program because your are not alone and these wonderful people can help with ESH...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
It took courage to post...keep doing so, as we can provide some of the support you need. As has been suggested, attend face to face meetings asap. There are also meetings her online that you can participate in daily. You will receive additional support as others read your post. Take good care. It seems like he is a ticking time bomb.

I could NOT agree more with these folks, especially Jerry and Paula...he is DANGEROUS......and I agree....You have to make your OWN SAFETY.....How many times did I have to run out in the middle of the night in my frikkin undies and long t-shirt to get away from abuse....call the cops, he would go to jail for the night, but NOW...things are different....NOW we have abuse shelters, we have domestic violence on the fore front and cops are more attune adn sensitive to this dangerous issue....This is such a bad problem, that its a disease within its self (domestic violence) Please read Jerry's share and re-read it...read them all and I would get away from him as fast as I could and IMMEDIATELY get into alanon face to face meets....the domestic violence shelters have staff who can even help you find meets, give you guidance re: restraint orders , etc......I URGE you to hook up with alanon and its fellowship and take care of you NOW...Before it is too late......there is NEVER any excuse for abuse and I know from personal e xperience........it gets WORSE....if he goes untreated for his using and drinking, he will..trust me on this one....he WILL get WORSE....Paula said it "IT seems like he is a ticking time bomb"

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles In Progress! Without a doubt, YOU are a Miracle In Progress! We are not very formal here.. well, not at all really LOL just share what you are moved to let go of and reply to those you can relate to, with your own experience, strength and hope. Pain shared, is pain split in half. We don't have to carry it alone any more. People here will help you carry it, and help you let go of it, piece by piece as you become ready and willing to.

Sounds like you are in a very bad situation. Don't minimize it. "I'm waiting for it to come to a head and for him to get physical again (he doesn't really hurt me....he's so wasted he just falls all over me and slaps me, i've learned to dodge and avoid him quicker or just shove him out of my way and leave the house)... Abuse is abuse. There is no better/good or acceptable level of it. An alcoholic or even none alcoholic spouse abuser, with abusive tendencies will vacillate between a variety of methods of abuse. Isolation from family and friends, social isolation (interfering with your getting a drivers license, not letting you be mobile in a car, interfering with friendships and family relationships, employment and work relationships) is a method of holding someone hostage. Belittling, degrading, devaluing is a method of psychological hostage holding. Keeping someone in fear of physical harm, is a method of controlling their actions and reactions. Creating a delusion of your being dependent, and without them you are nothing, you won't make it, no one else will want you.. etc, etc... in short, shaming you for any attempt to be independent is abuse. And yes, it all hurts extremely bad, in many ways. When any of this becomes remotely acceptable, or it's pain is denied or minimized, it is only because the abused person has found a way to be anesthetized to the true level of pain they are in... physically, emotionally or mentally. This is a by-product on long term, ongoing abuse. And sadly, any time the abuser feels their control is being threatened, the level of abuse will escalate again, in an effort to regain that control. This escalation can become life threatening, and sometimes results in death.

This is not my opinion, this is reality in a abusive relationship. Abuse is often erroneously coupled with alcoholism or addiction, as a combined group entity. The faulty belief that without one the other wouldn't exist. This is not true. Spouse abusers need to obtain professional help for their abusive tendencies from an outside source. AA can help someone with their alcoholism but if the abuse issue is left untreated, it can and often does continue in the absence of alcohol or drugs because it has not been effectively addressed and treated in professional atmosphere.

Being here with us, you are in the right place. You are in the process of taking control of your life back, regaining your sense of self. You are on the road to freedom... and we are with you on it. You are not alone, and never have to be again.

Sincerely.. with warm wishes and prayers sent your way.

John

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you found your way here too. There is a 24/7 chat site, www.stepchat.com there are people on there to talk to and there are online meetings.

When I first got involved with my partner, he was a meth addict. Big time. I had no real idea what that was and when I first started dating him, I had No idea he was using it. Call me nieve but meth was new. I could have told you what the other drugs were but not that one, and I was far from being an addict. I had also Never dated an addict before. It was crazy from the get go. I finally joined an addiction website and I too sat and read thinking omg he did that too. It was as if I began reading Our story. You will find that more and more as you continue to read and learn. We're powerless because we lack the Wisdom of these rooms. When I made it to Alanon to fix Him it didn't work. Later I Finally began to recognize my obsession. What to do, How to do it, All about him, no me. I went back because I knew I needed it. But come to find out, I was with him because I Felt like I knew him my Entire Life. I was Comfortable with him. When I shared with an alanon member telling her I felt like I'd known him my whole life, she explained to me I had .. I had known the behavior .. my Whole life. Very hidden, cunning, baffling, and confusing. It took me years of being with an addict to realize I had been surrounded by them my entire life. Nothing was out in the open. The bottle was long gone; no drugs, etc., but the effects and behaviors remained.

You are So not alone and you are blessed actually to have found these rooms.. They are filled with treasure. As human being we learn by experience; our own and others. there are no professionals here in alanon but since many have lived with alcoholism, there are many expert shares. Hope you keep coming and sharing .. there is so much to be learned. glad you made it.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

and food for thought, He isn't the only one who will get worse. We get Even sicker than they do staying in. Our entire family will. I so know the situation with kids. I had them too. I was unknowingly teaching my children learned Helplessness and that this is what we do. None of us are bad but We minimize, deny, make excuses, etc.. Please do what you can for you..

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

So many things in your story are familiar, Random. I'll babble about mine a little, just 'cause it's such a good feeling to relate about this stuff after hiding for so long

I'm 37; never had a drivers license. When I was a teenager, my mum wouldn't teach me; she said 'her nerves couldn't handle it". Stepdad said his insurance wouldn't allow it. I have brothers aged 27 and 25 who also can't drive, somehow I think our mum convinced us it wasn't safe, we just weren't capable.

I wanted to learn to drive with my first husband- he felt it was a waste of money and ridiculed and thwarted all attempts; wouldn't teach me himself....so I convinced myself I didn't need to learn. He was a drinker and a pot smoker. Same guy, different hat. Moved to the inner city when we divorced and I didn't need a car for a long time.

My AB decided we should move to the beach, a long way from anyone. "I'll be trapped and isolated!" I cried. "I'll teach you to drive and we'll get you a car" he insisted. That was 3 years ago. I got my own car (well my mum gave it to me) and he began "teaching" me- I mean, screaming at me every time I got behind the wheel until I was a shaking crying mess. Made sure he was good and drunk every time we were due for a lesson too. Now he drives my car and I ride my bike or catch a bus everywhere. I feel so shaky and nervous after those awful experiences (one day the car had a fit and started spewing water and coolant out everywhere and shaking and banging violently, I was in heavy traffic and his response was to scream at me until I almost passed out, I was so scared. That was the last time I drove, almost a year ago. He tells everyone he has "tried to teach me but I'm not interested". He says that to me too. It makes me seethe. I keep meaning to just book lessons without telling him but the nerves now are worse than ever before. Just what he wants- because he wants me isolated and dependant on him.

For you it's "will I smoke pot or will I get drunk", for me, it's "will I get drunk or will I gamble or will I binge on computer games (believe it or not they make him more violent and nasty than alcohol does). Whatever response I give, "I'm never happy" and then he just does all 3 anyway. But cleverly, he gives me "options"; he might as well ask "would you like me to smack you with my left hand or my right hand? WHAT??? You don't want me to hit you with EITHER? I swear you're never happy". And then whatever he does, he can blame on me, because I chose, or I didn't choose, or I looked at him funny or I sneezed when I was supposed to cough.
I think my favorite crazy-making trick is refusing to set an alarm clock (He cant find his phone/charger/whatever) and asking me to wake him at a certain time. So he can swear and say "come back in 10 minutes" over and over as if I am a snooze alarm and eventually scream "what the F%^$ do you keep waking me up for?" If I don't wake him, he just doesn't go to work and that's my fault and I face paying the rent and bills alone again. They're so damn clever at binding us up into these impossible situations.

All that John says about the cycle of abuse is spot on, and the more I read similar stories and realise that there is nothing unique about my situation, the less power it has over me. I agree that the alcohol doesn't cause it, in fact when he's not engaging in an addictive activity, he turns his focus to me and that's when he gets REALLY controlling and crazy.

One thing concerns me about your post, although I remember having similar thoughts. "Waiting for him to get violent again". I read something that really resonated with me a while ago- "why would someone need to wait until their life was absolutely unbearable before they decided that it was worth saving?"
Do you need him to hurt you again to prove to you that it really is bad enough? And will it make a difference? It never has with me; it just weakens me and makes me feel sad and afraid and undoes any progress I have made. If anything, I think I used to wait for a violent episode because I knew that would trigger the "honeymoon" period for a while, and all of the relief and fantasy that comes with it. It's all pretty similar to Stockholme Syndrome, I believe.

Thanks for sharing your story here anyway, and reminding me again that I'm not alone in this. WE CAN GET BETTER, by sharing with each other, supporting each other and working the programme. I really believe that.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you shared with us here! I can relate to parts of your post and it is the all too familiar life of dealing with an A unfortunately. The good news it there is MIP, al-anon face to face meetings, sponsors and we have each other for support! Keep coming back and have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that book and a few others made me really see things in a new perspective. Sending you much love and support!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My SO is not even a A but with what I have gone through with him....John is spot on. The ups and downs that I let continue to control my life has to stop someday. I pray we will find a way and the strength to somehow seek a better life for us.

((( hugs ))))

RandomPerson · Member

Thank you all so much for the welcome and the advice and wells wishes. I know i get caught up in the moment and let my emotions take over my logical side- especially with the options he's so gracious to give me (sarcasm). This thursday he took me out for a birthday dinner, now he's broke and it's my fault.
he also sold beer to someone who supplied to a minor, he actually gave it to the guy with the kids in the parking lot outside the store, on camera. He doesn't grasp the concept of why he is the one in trouble. he also goes to work drunk. Either way he lost his job, and now I'm supposed to 'fix' it somehow. he wanted me to drink with him last night- typical, he would have got drunk got violent and it would have been my fault because i was drinking to. I never drink, not anymore, and that pisses him off even more. I used to have a beer, i'd buy a six pack and he'd drink five out of it along with his 5.00 nasty vodka and then go on about how I must be hiding more somewhere because i was obviously the one with the problem, and i was trying to drive him crazy. he didn't drink last night- instead he moped around the house and complained about how much his life sucked and how people are always ruining everything for him (like the guy he sold the beer to). i didn't respond. I took the kids outside and stayed there until i was ready for bed, and watched a movie.
the old me would have tried to reason with him- the old me would have been sucked right in.

the therapist i'm talking to specializes in abusive relationships and i have a separate banking account that he doesn't know about- and even though it only has 25 dollars in it and i won't be able to add to it for awhile (car needs to be fixed for inspection) the fact that i've started something and have stuck to it is something i'm learning to be proud about. Two years ago when i was pregnant i started one up and gave up on it after he lost his job. I won't do that again.

Melly1248- i've read a lot of your posts and related 100%. My AH has broken the alarm clocks and told me to wake him up at a certain time, i try to wake him up and he tells me to let him sleep for another hour. A few hours of this and suddenly he's late for whatever and it's my fault because he was 'sleeping' when he said to wait an hour (x3 hours) and i'm an idiot for not knowing the difference. his other favorite is hiding his dirty clothes around the house and then being mad at me because i obviously don't care or love him enough to make sure he has clean clothes.

"All that John says about the cycle of abuse is spot on, and the more I read similar stories and realise that there is nothing unique about my situation, the less power it has over me. I agree that the alcohol doesn't cause it, in fact when he's not engaging in an addictive activity, he turns his focus to me and that's when he gets REALLY controlling and crazy. "

I couldn't agree more. The more i learn the WHY he does what he does the LESS of what he does effects me.

I'm not just waiting for him to hurt me again, i am taking steps to protect myself and my kids (and i know the two go hand in hand). I've taken control by giving him the heads up that I WILL call the police that I WILL protect myself and that I WILL NOT tolerate anymore physical abuse. I've contacted our local womens abuse advocate group and they know the situation and are available if i need to call. Unfortunately the shelter is full, however they are working on finding me a suitable roommate situation and if i NEED to leave they will find somewhere for myself and my kids to go.

Face to face al anon meetings are what i really need, i am aware of that, I'm reaching out everywhere i can at the moment and it's my next step. I know it's up to me to make this a priority and I've called a local member and he is working on getting me a meeting that suits my time needs. I'm not sure how AH will react to this, but if he reacts violently i will be gone, i will press charges, and he won't see me again until it's time for divorce court.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good to hear the plans you are putting into place and the supports you are allying yourself with in this situation. This is not a simple situation with a simple fix, but you are on your way to a better life if you follow through on all your action plans. Lots of support and encouragement. (((Hugs)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.