The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother is Alcholic and blames me for her problems i moved 12 hours away and she is still making my life miserable i recently went for a visit and found out she is telling lies to friends and family about me and ruined my vaction with my husband and 3 small kids I have not done anything or asked her for anything in over 10 years and she tells people and thinks she does do stuff for me which is not true . my Father is a gambler to get away from her drinking and he stickes up for her my brother is a drug addict and also sticks up for her none of them have came to my home to visit me or my family in 10 years and told me they care not since its boring cause i dont do any of those thing they do i pretty much told my mother shes out of my life till she gets help and she claims she doesnt need it she will die a boozer . it hurts to be treated this way by them.
Hi Missy Welcome ! Most of us here have experienced what you describe (or similar enough) to resonate with your family. We are affected by someone else's behavior, usually around drinking or other drugs.
You did not say if you are attending AlAnon meetings. I have found them to enable me to regain my sanity AND to love my alcoholic family members. That is such a freedom for me.
You can find local AlAnon meetings by calling the AlAnon number in the white pages.
Please keep coming back here. We have online meetings, too.
When I got into recovery I had so many abusive either drinking or non drinking family members, I announced to ALL of them that while in recovery my first few months or so, i was distancing myself from everyone and would re-asses our relationships or non relationships when I was healthy enough to do so....end of story
I got into alanon and focused only on me...my program...meetings every day....12 step work with a good sponsor, and the literature.....Keeping my distance from toxic relatives so I could when I was healthy enough in me to make good choices....
after enough recovery under my belt, I assessed all my familial relationships.....Sadly I had to dump a lot of them completely b/c they were a hindrance and a detriment to my recovery....I was putting ME first for the first time.....Those who were not so bad, I put boundaries within me how much time I wold spend on them, and I made it clear what I would do if my boundaries were crossed...Like no drunken phone calls to me or I am hanging up....no calling me at work....no asking me for money to help them with THEIR problems bc the answer will be "NO".....etc.....
Now my life is nearly free from toxic people....I just put distance....the ones who are "ok" but just messed up, I kinda keep but at a distance....the abusive ones are GONE....I disconnected from them, wished them well and away from me...there is never any excuse for abuse nor is there any reason to accept it in my life....
It is my choice and my right to have or not have a person in my life....abusers need not apply to entrance in my life...they are not welcome.......some alkies are not abusive, just drinking problems....I don't allow alcohol abuse in my home and NEVER any illegal substances around me, in my home, my vehicle....NOT allowed....I have rules I set up for me to take care of me and they abide by my rules, or they go, or I go, depending on whose house we are in.....
I don't have to be around gross negativity ...I learned that in alanon meetings, working the steps, reading the literature, working with others in alanon, I grew to respect me and defend my rights as a human being......
I urge you to begin your life of freedom from this unnecessary suffering by joining alanon and doing all the program suggests.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Alcoholism and drug addiction affect the entire family. Everyone needs help, but not everyone will seek it. You are seeking it. Good for you. Hope you follow through with all the suggestions that both Jill and Neshema have offered you. We've all learned how important seeking help in our own recovery program is for us. We have experienced the difference between no recovery and doing the same thing over and over again or entering recovery and learning new ways to think and respond to our loved ones - whether they get help for themselves and their addictions or not.
Glad you're here. Keep coming back here even after you enter Al-Anon meetings in your area. We also have on-line meetings twice a day and a chatroom, too. It takes courage to share part of your story with us. Thank you for your trust.
Sounds like both of your parents have addictions, your mom the drinking your Dad the gambling and everybody seems to be blaming the one that has no addictions , YOU. Usually addicts are in denial and cant or won't take responsibility, while the years pass.
I hope you will take the advice given and attend an alanon meeting. You will learn how to detach and find serenity from being used and abused.
Missy, thank you for sharing and glad you found us! This website is a wonderful support, as are face-to-face meetings. I am only in my 3rd week and find that I am feeling a weight lifted off me already. Keep coming back!
Been there done that .. After so many years in alanon, it was a gift that I got to go and just sit back and Watch the disease in process .. I watched a peaceful story between two members of a family and watched the transition of How our thinking becomes distorted .. I watched these two part ways even smiling with each other .. I watched the one member pay the story forward changing it with Every single family member into something that Never Even happened .. I watched the Entire family get angry and Target the other member .. It was Absolutely Unbelievable.. I could Not believe what I was seeing on the level I was .. It was a spiritual gift I am So grateful for .. I wasn't there to fix, I was merely there to watch and learn .. I learned the disease isn't the only thing to get worse, The Stories do too .. but then they really are also part of the disease ..
I hope you do go to meetings .. it's recommended to try at least 6 .. if you can try a variety in other places, it's good too .. They will help you so much .. Every new member is a gift and also has experience to bring that will give to others as well, additional experience, strength & hope !! Take care .. It's not only your own inner chaos around them you are feeling, you are also Just feeling the diseased behavior around you ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 25th of August 2013 01:12:56 AM
