There's been so much posted in the last few days about anger, resentment, detachment, all so totally relevant to me right now. And just checking in, reading through the posts a couple of times a day has helped me stay in control, even though I've been feeling low, angry and kinda all over the place. 

I don't HAVE to be angry just because someone else is behaving badly. It isn't about winning a war. That's a new realisation for me. I also don't HAVE to hate AB either. Most of the rage stems from the endless cycle of promises and then oblivious neglect, my anger comes into it and he becomes furious and abusive that I want to hold him accountable. Yet I know the promises are pure fantasy, so why become so angry when they are broken again and again and he acts as if he doesn't have a care in the world? Because he uses me, makes these promises to feed his fantasy that everything is just fine without a care for my happiness, without concern that he knows he is going to let me down again and again and again... but I KNOW this about him. He's not kept a single promise in 7 years nor done anything that wasn't self-serving...and I have chosen to stay and believe in the fantasy too...so what do I really have to be angry about? Buying into his fantasies (like "I'm going to mow the lawn tomorrow" or "I'm going to take you out somewhere nice in a couple of weeks") and then getting angry with him hasn't helped him any either. Actually, I've gotten very adept at shaming him over it, in one way or another. So have I been showing concern for his happiness really? Or serving myself and blaming all of my anger and frustration on him? 

It's easy to do. He's very frustrating. Completely selfish. Has in fact not taken me out anywhere or done anything nice for me or with me once, in the entire time I've known him. Yet I've taken him on holidays, out for endless dinners and nights out, showered him with gifts...so what's my anger really about? My own shame? My refusal to accept what pretty much everyone else could see- that I was never going to get anything back but abuse and more neglect? 

I'm thinking yes. Its easy to look at it as a situation where he, being an addict and self-absorbed person took advantage of poor innocent me...because he needs someone to push around...but haven't I learnt that he is JUST like my biol father? Just as addicted, self serving and abusive? So there is a definite part in ME that actively sought such a man to fulfill what? My need to feel persecuted and let down? Is that what I'm so angry about?

Well maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But it's good to be able to look for my own role in it all without becoming angry or upset or trying to hide from it.

Reading what everyone posts here is a tremendous help. So many different perspectives, so many new ways to handle some of these nasty feelings.

Thank-you all for everything that you share. It's life-changing to be a part of it.