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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My daughter just let me have it
Post Info TOPIC: My daughter just let me have it
hisimage


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My daughter just let me have it
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My older DD dislikes her AD my AH so very much. Of course it is due to the drinking, or who he is when he drinks.  I've talked often to both of my daughters about this, so much so that they can not stand anything that creates a person to be under the influence.  Although I don't know much about Al anon, I know enough to tell them when they were younger, that it is the A not him. 

She is very much like him in that she says what she wants, when she wants, how she wants and, if she wants.  She is in counseling. She told me a few weeks ago that her counselor thinks I should to to Al anon, for that I'm glad, it means she is using her counseling wisely.  It used to be that she never wanted to talk about "it".

Lately, she wants to, but it's not really talk. She gets all worked up, talks about how sick of him she is, why do I let him be that way and, when will I do something about it. When she brings it up is when he has just walked out of the room or if he is outside doing yard work. I will say, I don't want to talk about it now.  She has taken it for I don't want to talk about it period, I know because she's told me.  

When I have the opportunity to talk to her, she is "done, never mind mom, you don't want to face it."  I just don't want to make a big deal when he is drunk and around. It would make no sense. He will hear and all hell would break loose and the whole issue that needs to be addressed will be lost in each accusing me of "taking sides."

She came home from work tonight late. She and my younger DD were planning to go running with my niece tonight.  I was taking a bath and she came barging in.... ( Some might find it weird, but often if my girls want to talk to me alone about personal stuff, they will come into the bathroom while I'm bathing. Its perfect because they have my un-divided attention.) She was yelling in a whisper... "I don't mean to be rude but, !.. We are leaving to go running 2" what is going on with him?, why does he have to be like that?"  I said, he is in Tv room no where near you, what are you talking about?"  

"well, he is in the kitchen now."  I answered, I'm not talking about this now (you're out of control and you wont hear what I have to say)

"You never want to talk about it, you just let it go always"  I tried to talk but she left in a huff.

Yes, its my daughter. That is how angry she is. From what I've been reading she is mad at me because as far as she is concerned I let it happen. She is so freakin angry.  '

I don't know why I'm telling you all this, I just  need to get it off my chest.  The walls are closing in on me/ us.

I'm thinking of calling her counselor and asking if we could all meet together. Me, my DD and him.

Thank you all. <3



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likemyheart


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I can tell you that my daughter was very angry for a very long time after my ex finally left for the last time. At first she was angry at me because she was certain that I was going to let him back again. Then, after we divorced, she was angry that I'd let it happen for so long, that I'd let him do that to me, that I didn't stand up to him, that I brought this screaming meamy into our home, etc. She was angry for well over a year - we co-habitated, she going to high school, me working like a donkey following a carrot on a stick. I let her be angry because I understood where it came from and that I was responsible for letting him destroy our peace, I didn't stop it at least. In my case, I got to a point where I knew that divorce was the only answer and I knew that only time would mend the rift between us and I had to do the hardest thing of all, let it be. I worked, she growled. We barely spoke, she went to counseling; as the ice began to melt between us, I suggested she go to Al-Ateen, she resisted, I suggested she ask her counselor if she should go and that I would abide by what the counselor said; counselor said she didn't think she needed it, so I let it be. It was sometimes very hard to let her be angry at me, but eventually she softened and we spent many hours discussing different aspects of HIM in our lives. We've even been able to agree that at first, he was (or seemed) worthy of our esteem, he was fun!

Now as we talk, she echoes recovery talk that I've used; she acknowledges that he was a good person when it first started and says she understands how it was so hard for me to stop wanting that good person to come back and how hard it was for me to accept that he was never that good person. If my daughter had told me to do something her counselor suggested, I would have done it in a heartbeat because it would have showed her that her wishes were important to me. The number one most important thing I did for me was Al-anon - it gave me the words and tools to recover a peaceful house and helped me heal the wounds between my daughter and I.


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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
grateful2be


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If it were me and this was a constant experience in relationship to my daughter, I'd ask her to talk her anger over with her counselor or her Dad and not me. Her anger - even if she is your adult daughter - is her issue right now. You are right - without Al-Anon she isn't going to understand why he does what he does and why you do what you do. Al-Anon has a slogan - JADE. Don't justify, argue, defend or explain. I love my kids. I'm willing to hear them out and to talk things out with them. But...I'm not willing to be my adult children's punching bag, counselor or doctor. If its any help to you - most adult kids have axes to grind with their parents - whether alcoholism is present or not. You are doing what you can do what now. You are going to Al-Anon. You are trying to learn what you can and change what you can. Your daughter's criticism and judgment of you is something she'll need to work out and it doesn't have to be with you right now. It doesn't mean there won't come a time when the both of you can really have a conversation about the alcoholism in your family and how it has affected all of you and suggestions on ways to deal with it. But, from your description of what has happened thus far, I'm not sure its possible to have that healthy conversation right now.

This is my experience and it is also my opinion. Others may very well have a different take on this for you to sort out and decide what you want to take of what is shared that you like and what you need to leave.
Lots of support and encouragement.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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hisimage
Everyone in the family have been adversely affected by the dreadful disease of alcoholism. I am glad you are reaching out and finding alanon help for yourself .  Your daughter is no doubt filled with anger, resentment, self pity and fear and is looking for someone to blame.  These are  some of the indications that  we have  been affected by this disease.  Calling her councilor and suggesting that they explore alateen or alanon meetings might be very helpful..  There is also an alateen on line form that is excellent  if she knows that you understand and are willing to seek help yourself this just might open the door to constructive conversations.  The alateen on line meeting form is: . 

http://chat.alateen.net teens will have to register and ip addy is checked ,they can then attend any of the alateen meetings listed on the sign in page. this is the only Al-Anon approved site available for teens.. Sponsors are members of our program who have been police checked and verified as attending reg Al-Anon meetings . these rooms are not open for general chat they are only open when being monitored durring meetings .

Keep coming back



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


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Aloha Hisimage and welcome back to the board...keep coming.  I am a former Alateen Sponsor and I fulfilled that service position in Al-Anon which Alateen is a part of, for 6 years.  Lots of parents use to tell me "I suggested Alateen but my kid just won't go" my response was...put them in the car and bring them to their first meeting and see what happens next.  Usually what happened next was that they were ready at the door and wanting to go to the next one.  Alateen is done by the teens...they start and run their own meetings and name their own discussions and their meetings go very much like Al-Anon meetings go except its just them and the only adults in the room are the sponsors who when it was my turn use to ask permission from them to share or speak up.  They did well and quite often the adolescents recover faster than the adult because they don't have as much time and energy invested in the disease.  Kids heal faster.   I have a problem with a degreed licenses mental/emotional counselor suggesting that a patient should or should not use additional help.  Counselors are "clinical model types" while Alateen and Al-Anon are social model...sick healing persons helping sick healing others.   Rarely have I seen an adolescent affected by this disease have a ready willing agreement to do what the parents suggest because in their uninformed minds they belief the parent is the problem.  Not!!  Blame isn't a solution...its part of the sickness.  Often if and when the adolescent isn't in recovery they can be as bad or worse than the alcoholic.  Get in and stay in your own recovery...your peace of mind and serenity depend on it.   Get the literature and leave it where you daughter might want to read it after you read it yourself.  She/They will see the changes in your as you continue your recovery and often times they will want what you have.  Also if your Home Group has a full array of literature they may even have an Alateen ODAAT daily reader...its in read and it is good.  Compared to the cost of the disease it is really cheap.

 

Most important is you...take care of you cause if you don't have you...you have nothing.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



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el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello, I can relate to your post and your need to control everyone and this situation. Before Alanon, I was the one in the middle, always trying to keep the peace, always trying to avoid a crisis. My reasons were my own fear. I was scared to face the reality of things. I was scared of how it would look and I felt my whole life was hanging by a thread so it all had to be contained in some way. In reality my actions meant that my ex ah never got the full consequences of his actions. Your daughter's anger is a consequence of his action, let her express it, what are you afraid of? All hell will break loose but is this such a terrible thing? is it worse than what is happening right now? Is it your job to control and contain? This will be taking a toll on your health. Your daughter is looking for validation for her anger towards her father. Could you calmly listen to her without opinions and let her vent then make it clear that you no longer want to be in the middle. If she rants and raves again and he hears then maybe this is what everyone needs, the truth must come out in my experience it always does one way or another. Good luck. P.s Alanon would do you the world of good.x



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