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I don't know why but this song came to mind by Rick Nelson "Garden Party".
The song reflects a real life experience, I guess he appeared at Madison Square Gardens and they booed him and he didnt get the response he was hoping for.
The chorus of the song is " But its alright now, I learned my lessons well, you cant please everyone, so ya gotta please yourself".
Also to add a little humor there is another line, " They opened up the closet and out jumped Johnny B. Goode". You could say, "I opened up the closet and out jumped Johnny B . Alcoholic.".
Does it really matter what anybody thinks about your hairstyle as long as U like it. Your picture show's a pretty, attractive lady. You could wear any style.
Ms. , a little bit of laughing it off helps here. How Important is it.? Ya got to please yourself!
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 23rd of August 2013 05:02:55 PM
Hi every one , I'm not having a good 1/2 right now .. Today was good I went to get my hair cut and color I needed.. Well I made the wrong choice! The color is my blond but my cut is chic and sassy , I had no choice but to have it cut short my ends were dead frizzie , looked bad , mistake number 2 comming home looking like this . Ah came out to see what his 55.00 dollors got him ) I mean me right !). He looked at me like I was a freak , staring left the room with no comment , came back out looked at me again and said your not going out like that are you .. I looked at him and said why what's wrong now!! Nothing goes back in slams the door shut, 10 min comes back out and stares again , I said go ahead say it . Get out with it , let me here your opion now ,he says your hair sticking up you look like alfelfer .why do you do that to your hair? You look like a boy! Why you wearing a boy shirt, I took my Alalon books and went upstairs and I could here him mumbling , there is no pleasing him and for me I try not to take QTIP way but after a week of nice chit chat and new car and new gifts , I get this toss in my face how bad I look. Change is not good I guess , I thought my hair looked cute it was different and now I shamed of it , I put make up on to see if that would make a difference in his opion and I just made myself look like a CLOWN ! . Just when I thought the light was there for me to see thru the fog and a positive feeling was setting In till now the cheap shots are tossing at me.. I can't help it my feelings are hurt .
Ms C: If you like the cut and the color you chose for your hair today, then you do. You can enjoy the choice you made for a new hairstyle without needing to defend it. I'm glad you took your Al-Anon books and removed yourself for awhile. I have learned that finding topics, slogans or steps and reading them when I'm feeling uncertain, hurt, angry, confused or wrong about a choice I've made is always a good way to help myself feel better just like you are doing.
II am glad that you took care of yourself and had your hair done I have had hair cuts that my hubby did not approve of because he liked long hair, I decided to cut it because I liked to swim and short hair was more manageable. I felt it was my body, my hair and I looked good so he would have to get use to it-- and HE DID
Well if that pic is the way you came home , I would say you probably set off his fear button . You look great do it for you , he will adjust . If you look too good he will become insecure * poor baby* Louise
My AH has always been jealous.The more I try to watch what I eat, work out, try to look nice, the more he hates it. If he see me fixing my hair or putting on make up he will say. "where do you think you are going?? the prom?? " Even when I'm going someplace with him. I'm smart enough to see through that crap, and use him as a motivator to keep in shape. I know he feels bad about himself, I say too bad. I try to take care of myself. How nice it would be to get a compliment. I know there are a LOT of things, that if I am to ever get them, it will be from some other man. I've got 40+ years of not only being ignored, but also having my self esteem undermined.
I remember when a friend's cigarette burned off a BUNCH of my hair on the bottom...I had gorgeous strawberry blonde hair...natural.....and it is about as thick as it gets...woman pay BIG bucks to have my hair.....well?? on the downside when I washed it it took a whole day to dry
so...i cut it off in a long layered cute cut...layers about 5 - 6" long.....w/bangs...and I loved it...and WOW....I could manage it.....
AH comes home and has a litter of kittens over my beautiful mane......I just looked at him and even tho I was not in recovery, I kinda did what I wanted to and if it was right, I did it....I did not need his permission...so I tell him that I like it and he can KMA if he doesn't
We had a dinner date at his holiday inn where he worked....He acted as though he was taking a monster to the dinner....EVERYONE loved my hair....thought it made me look younger, cute...chic....I had on a real cute purple skirt, short but not disrespectful and a top that put just the right accent on it....It was round at the neck..100% cotton , of course, and soft white with a LOT of purple flowers on it.....the males and females who worked under him (AH #1 was night manager).....were all over me, praising me how cute I looked.....AH just sat there....He hated it.....everyone paying me attention b/c they LIKED me...
AND I even danced with several girls and guys when the band came on...It was great...
We go home and of course he doesn't speak to me and I didnt' care.....I went to bed and slept good....had a great dinner....had a lot of fun w/the workers there whom I had befriended and I really didn't care what AH thought.....
I would feel that way until I left him.....no hate...no love....no nothing.....his constant drinking and abusing me wore away any feelings I might have had for him.....
I ask myself b4 I do something to please me........."is this action going to harm or take away from another living creature?????"
If the answer is "NO" then I say "ding ding do my thing".......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh, heck. I gained a ton of weight, didn't work out, didn't wear much make up, didn't wear attractive clothes to curb my x's insecurities - and he was still insecure and jealous. When I divorced him, I changed all that and then he acted like I was his next new girlfriend to be. It didn't matter what I did with or to myself, my x was a sick man and nothing I did or didn't do to my hair or body made a bit of difference really to him. It sure made a big difference to me. He helped me learn to care only what I thought about my hair, my body, my clothing. My thinking is if somebody doesn't like how I look, cut my hair or wear my clothes - they shouldn't look like me, cut their hair like me or wear clothes like me. I apply that to other areas of my life as well. If you don't like what I'm doing - don't do it. Grin.
Oh, heck. I gained a ton of weight, didn't work out, didn't wear much make up, didn't wear attractive clothes to curb my x's insecurities - and he was still insecure and jealous. When I divorced him, I changed all that and then he acted like I was his next new girlfriend to be. It didn't matter what I did with or to myself, my x was a sick man and nothing I did or didn't do to my hair or body made a bit of difference really to him. It sure made a big difference to me. He helped me learn to care only what I thought about my hair, my body, my clothing. My thinking is if somebody doesn't like how I look, cut my hair or wear my clothes - they shouldn't look like me, cut their hair like me or wear clothes like me. I apply that to other areas of my life as well. If you don't like what I'm doing - don't do it. Grin.
LOL.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Mrs C, My A picks on my looks all the time too, but in a subtler way. He constantly points out younger girls that he thinks are cute, and then criticises me in the same breath, usually telling me that I have something on my face (imaginary) or my teeth are looking yellow or finding grey hairs...or even telling me I have "whiskers". (I don't, and how mean can you get?) I used to get really upset and his answer would be "I'm not with you for your looks" or "we're old honey, you aren't supposed to look good" and he'd try to pretend that these were noble statements. It used to hurt a lot. If I got dressed up to go out, he would pick on what I was wearing or my hair until I ended up crying and ruining my makeup and changing into jeans and a t-shirt and a sour miserable expression... in fact I stopped even trying to look good and let myself look like an uncared for hobo for a long time. That's how badly I let him damage my self-esteem. I didn't even brush my hair or look in the mirror for months at a time, I just gave up.
And then I realised what he was doing. He is afraid. Because he knows he really isn't fit to be with anyone, and my poor self esteem is one of the reasons I have stayed with him. So he wants to keep it that way. Don't listen to him and ignore the "looks" he is giving you. You're gorgeous, anyone can see that and he knows it...and he thinks that if you realise it, you just might go and attract someone else. It's just one of the many tactics they use to keep us weak and sad and dependant on them for approval. I bet your hair looks adorable. I bet he thinks so too.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Saturday 24th of August 2013 01:10:32 PM
I'm feeling uncomfortable ..., I don't like the looks I'm getting the staring at me and exspect my hair to grow back right away so why bother looking at me if he has so much disgust for me. I left the house to go to the gym to get away from the evil eye looking at me.. I told him that he was making me feel very uncomfortable , he says well did you do something you shouldn't of .. I'. Yet not to look at him I take out a Alon book which is like ( holy water ) lol to me he has grown to hate Alalon and when he bashed the group that's helping me thru this he bashing me to . Not fair to me !! I don't hate his Aa group why does he disapprove mine
Hi. Its not unusual when we start in our Al-Anon recovery for their to be some backlash on the part of our As and others, too. Usually shows that our program effort is working. Keep up the good work, Ms C. Meetings, your daily readers, reaching out to those in the fellowship - all steps in the direction of healing and hope for you. Glad you went to the gym today, too. Part of detaching with love - for yourself. (((Ms C)))
Well our husbands must be twins because you describe him the way mine is now. On 3 days of him stewing over something that I did but wont tell me yet . When he ready he will so . Well update will be soon
Wow the manipulation and control that comes with A's sometimes, but that is why I found it so important to get to the meetings and dive in to my recovery to build myself back up. I now know I am beautiful and worthy. No matter what anyone says to me they will never be able to make me feel as worthless as they used to. I know now it says lots about them and very little about me. I will not be put down stepped on, treated or talked to worse than a dog ever again. I know that I was raised by an unhealthy Mother and it took a long while to see that she was not happy and had a problem and it wasn't anything personal that I could change, it was about manipulation, keeping me working over time on trying to make myself perfect was not helping me get healthier at all, it just made me feel more flawed. So after finding this program and realizing all the great things about myself and even the not so great things doing my stepwork and getting comfortable in my skin I am now better than ever knowing who I am. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well today is Sunday and its meeting night. Sundays are bad days here at the home why !! Because I'm at a meeting with positive healthy ppl new friends I can trust !! New friends that is the problem I have here now with the A . My friends and meetings are getting in the way of my husbands selfish needs., how do I know this š my A told me, I'm gone to much to meetings and I'm staying after meetings to chit chat . What is quality time ? In my A eyes are doing things hands onš it's SEX , he could care less about sitting next to me watching a movie or reading a book or helping me get dinner ready to me that's quality time , I'm here with him . But some how that's not good enough - today my A wanted to talk about nothing just sit in front of me and be nasty to me he said he was sorry but he felt like being a PR...k and continue to belittle me and smirk he stated he felt good to do it. I looked at him and said you know what , it's ok I can accept your belittled me behavior right now go at it say what you want but you will not get a rise out of me if that's what your looking for . I did not remove myself from my room where I was first I stayed and continued to go on with what I was doing, oh I have to go my A is here and wants to know some more questions why my gas is low where have I been going and checked the mileage on the car . I'm angry this is not healthy behavior ,I just removed myself from the house . Good night
Had a great meeting to night I went there all frazzled upset .my group new I was on my way the tissues were on the table and I was greater with hugs . Now that's what I call love and support I'm getting from friends and my A tells me my A(š¼) are not there to help me they are there to chit chat and bash the Ah, I said to him granted this is true we do chit chat but its not about you sorry meeting has to do with me ( ME ) my needs my healing my support . He thinks that we all should talk about him in my meetings , as Carly simond would sing your so vain . I told my A this program is mine for me you have your program and plus you say your healthy and counting down the months to your one year chip !!! Go for you I'm proud of you . I asked him do you get a party a special chip to for your recovery and he said no I can start making my choices now .
I'm well enought to stay with you or move on . Well That's nice to know that's all he looking forward to not the chip but to gain his rule and control again . New house rules will be set to follow so I said I guess all that hard work you did all those chips those meetings I attended with you ment nothing to you . He had no reply back. I see a ah failing his program and doing his best to try to ruin mine . This only makes me want to get better more now for me not him. My goal when I grow up is to voluntarily my service to my alaon family and support the new comers
I love all of my Alon family ,
Neshema.