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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Don't Should on me - continued
Post Info TOPIC: Don't Should on me - continued
canadianguy


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Don't Should on me - continued
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What a great post...(thanks BreakingFree), and thought I would continue on with the discussion on a new thread....

When I first joined Al-Anon, I was quite full of myself.... Yes, I was desperate, due to the situation in my home, but I also was arrogant enough to believe that I knew what others needed to do in order to rectify their situations.... when others would share at meetings, I privately "figured out their needs", one by one, and found it to be very rewarding, and fed my arrogance...  So I LOVED my meetings, as it fed my ego to the point where I was "solving everyone else's problems" (internally, at least), and that seemed to make me feel better about myself, even though absolutely nothing was changing for the better, on the home front...

Then, it happened.... my mean old....oops, er.... WISE old sponsor called me on my stuff.  He told me I was "controlling", and my actions were even an attempt to "control" the meetings, even if I wasn't sharing my "fixes" out loud....  He then added that, not only am I acting like a control freak....  but these actions are also keeping my focus on other people, and what they should or should not be doing, and in doing this, it was classic avoidance - as I was doing that INSTEAD of working on myself....  Well, I was aghast, and upset, as he was.............  100% right, on both counts.

A good rule of thumb for me to remember, is that I know how I feel when anyone "shoulds" on me, so I strive to never "should on anyone", and don't allow others to "should" on me....

Glad we are all here

Tom



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stephaniej


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It's amazing how upset we get when other people turn out to be 100% right about our destructive behavior! Many of us have spent our whole lives dissecting everything that is wrong with everybody else, and what they "need" to do to fix themselves, that we can't even identify our own flaws or our own best qualities.

I am reminded of something my Al Anon-experienced therapist said to me...it is NOT a good thing to say that you know someone better than you know yourself!

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Breakingfree


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Love this Tom! I can so relate to my wise old sponsor taking me to task when I distracted myself continuously. I love her for it and I laugh at myself now, I catch myself and tell her and she keeps me focusing on my recovery and growth toward health. I am so appreciative for this board, my sponsor and my al-anon face to face meetings so much for the life that I have now. Thanks for the reminder to stay within my own hula hoop.

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Debilyn


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Ha!! You full of yourself?? Arrogant???? Controlling?? Oh no way not you Tom. lol lol lol

Sorry but I know you. Love you anyway too, Debilyn



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1911A1


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Sounds like the gem I learned from a wise old-timer in my home group: "If you spot it...you got it!"

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hotrod


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Thank You Tom 

Great reminder to keep the focus on myself and to practice alanon principles in all my affairs.  I am so grateful to share the Mod. position with you. In any and all situations  I trust that you will readily apply alanon principles and strive  to maintain this Board as a Fellowship of equals.smile



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ClearTheFog


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stephaniej wrote:

It's amazing how upset we get when other people turn out to be 100% right about our destructive behavior! Many of us have spent our whole lives dissecting everything that is wrong with everybody else, and what they "need" to do to fix themselves, that we can't even identify our own flaws or our own best qualities.

 

I do now understand that codependent 'controlling' can entail modifying my own behavior (deviating from what my own inner truth/higher self/HP would do), but I mostly grew up and spent most of my adult years scurrying around like a mouse, thinking everybody else was right but me. So in this way, everybody else was shoulding me. But I do know that whenever I went through a steep learning curve in life, I would emerge thinking that everybody should read Driven To Distraction, go gluten free (ok well I still believe that one), not go to college, go to college, join al-anon or get help for chronic codependency. So I do understand this need to curb the shoulding. I loved what someone here wrote recently about how giving unsolicited advice was intrusive. 

But I'm still the little mouse letting certain important people in my life push me around. I'm allowing it less and less, thanks to Al Anon and I am getting braver and more in touch with my HP and own inner truth. But after reading these Don't Should On Me threads, I'm realizing it's still a big problem for me, and that I am still settling for being pushed around (verbally not physically). I have indeed should on other people recently but was unaware I was still letting others do it to me. 



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grateful2be


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I don't mind folks "shoulding." I know they mean well. I do mind "demanding or insisting" that I should... because I'm fairly certain our relationship isn't going to end well. I don't like the "not ending well" part. I like to live in peace with people as much as I can do that with them. Yet, I have had experiences with some folks who keep pushing their agenda and because of their deep insecurities simply can't accept that maybe their trying to change me into them isn't the best way to interact in relationship. When I say, "When you insist that I do what you want me to do, I feel pushed to do something I don't want to do," I'm accused of being verbally abusive. There won't be any meeting of the minds then. That is what bothers me. Fortunately, I haven't had this experience very often in my life, but it still bothers me.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Don't Should on me - continued