"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

islandtime · Veteran Member

first time on here

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us...

Sorry to hear all of your hurt coming out...

The good news is - today really IS the first day of the rest of your life.... Choosing recovery - for YOU - is the way to a better life, to feeling better about your plight in life, etc.... Face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, reading great books on the subject, maybe getting a daily reader or two - all help pave the way for YOU to feeling better. You probably "did the best you could, with what you knew at the time", and now, by your post, it sounds like you are ready and willing to make some changes going forward.... It is said that we will choose recovery/Al-Anon when we are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired" - sounds like you are at that point...

There is an old saying, used often on here, when it comes to dealing with active alcoholics.... "stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" (as in, if we are getting our validation/serenity/sense of self worth from an active A, who are typically self-serving and incapable - then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment...

Hope you keep coming back

Tom

SerenitySoon · Member

I, too ,have been married to an emotionally unavailable husband for over 40 years and am just coming into the program these last few months. Although I have no words of encouragement except to keep coming back, I have had to go through some intense grieving over this and, like you, the thoughts that I have wasted my life. I'm still not over the grieving but I can share with you that, with what little program I have under my belt, I am slowly, slowly, ever so slowly learning more about myself and the wee bit of light I see through the program, the steps, the Serenity Prayer, this board, these people, these weary travellers, has given me hope. Hope that I am a worthy individual regardless of my unavailable husband. Please keep coming back! When I read others' stories and struggles, I feel like I am not alone and their ESH is the affirmation that I need that I am doing the right things for myself. It's not been easy for me but the alternative was making me sicker and sicker. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

SerenitySoon · Member

Thanks, Tom. I got a good laugh out of the hardware store analogy...gonna add it to my slogans and sayings.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I too married an emotionally unavailable man. I remember when I first got into alanon I used to ask, "when is it my turn?" For some attention. I was very, very angry. And I thought I had wasted my life. I had to do a 4th step and a gratitude list about this feeling about wasting my life. The biggest plus on the top of the page was my children. They were in the HP plan all along.

Get to some face to face alanon meetings and make some new friends. They will support you until you can stand up by yourself again. We will support you on this website too.

Take care of yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome to MIP. I have felt that way, but more in relationship to my son and his disease. One of the best gifts I received from Al-Anon has been the 3cs. I didn't cause this disease. I can't cure this disease. I can't control the disease. In accepting the truth about this disease - even in relationship to my son - I have been able to release myself from some of the self-judgments and self-condemnation that I have applied to my best efforts and my best knowledge. Al-Anon can't solve all of our problems, but it sure can help us learn to appreciate, approve and love ourselves as we are as we grow towards new goals, new aspirations, new challenges and joys. I am on my way to being 65 years old. I have learned that I still have a lot to learn, a lot to give, a lot to appreciate and enjoy about myself, others and life. Keep coming back. Glad you're here.

LeeMarie · Member

Hi Island. I am also new to this. I've been going to F2F meetings since January and have just ended a 25 year marriage to my AH. I know the feeling of wasting my life. You know what I've found though? There's a whole world of new experiences that I can now explore because I no longer need to put my AH first. I'm not totally there yet and I'll always love him and I will wonder and pray that he gets sober, but I didn't know I was capable of making myself happy. I'm just starting this journey and there will be ups and downs I'm sure of that, but they will be ups and downs that I've created on my own by making my own good or bad decisions. I feel at peace for the first time in well. . . . . 25 years. I'm certainly not suggesting you should leave your AH. Many people are able to detach and experience the same peace that I'm feeling living without my AH. It's what works best for you.

islandtime · Veteran Member

I like the hardwear anology too. It's like standing under a tree and expecting it to talk to you, and give you a hug, or do something to make you feel loved. and doing the same thing every day, with the same result. My trouble is I am a very optomistic person, and I just kept thinking it would get better. My AH is so completely self absorbed, with the drinking, and reading about war and watching sports, and war stuff, there is no getting in there, it's his own private world. I live by myself in the same house. I deserve more from life.

How do I get started on the steps?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Islandtime

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

You have already received many great responses so I will simply answer your last question. The Steps are the key to recovery. They should not be rushed and can be worked with a sponsor when you feel ready It is suggested that you attend alanon meetings, listen to learn, pick up some literature and read it, try using some slogans like "Live One Day at a Time, Focus on yourself, pray, the Serenity prayer when in pain, attend meetings, remember that you did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Living with it we develop issues ourselves and require a recovery program. Your sponsor will walk with your on this journey

We have a Step Work Board here as well . Visit it and get acquainted. Here is the link to it

http://stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42763

Glad you are here.

islandtime · Veteran Member

thanks everyone, and hotrod I will take your advice to get started

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Islandtime and welcome to the board also. MIP is great family as are the Al-Anon Family Groups where you can listen to others who have similar stories as yours and who have learned great solutions which they are willing to pass on to you. My first miracle that came true for me in the Family Groups was the promise that "if I kept an open mind I would find help". Open mindedness for me took many forms and one of those what to present no defense against the stories, perceptions and suggestions and when I applied the slogan, "Take what you like and leave the rest" I came to understand that I was sitting among some pretty common people with uncommon solutions to life problems with and without active alcoholism in their lives. You're in very good company now...Listen and learn, question and listen and learn again, practice what is suggested which is different than you do so that you can experience changes to what doesn't work for you today. Welcome...in support and service. ((((hugs)))) smile

afglin · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP. I also have been married to an active alkie for over 40 years. 45 in fact. But you know what? When I started working on my own program...attending meetings, working the steps, and reading my literature...I got better. It didn't matter o much that he still drank now and then. We are much happier today.

I wish you the best!

LINDA

hisimage · Veteran Member

Welcome Islanti
I'm new too. People here are great. Look around a bit, you'll find some great help.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

islandtime wrote:
been married to a AH for over 40 years. why ??don't ask me. I feel like he has sucked the sole out of me. He brings the worst out of me. I am completely alone, I have no one. A husband is supposed to be your friend, and have your back. He is supposed to be your companion. I get nothing from him.I have needs , none of which have been met for SO long. I feel like I am drownding. I can't believe I have let him ignore and blame me all these years, I have wasted my life.

I can't add much to Tom's post here....... However, I am glad U R here and ready to rock and roll towards a new and healther life.....One BIG thing I learned in this program....I had to STOP *expecting* healthy from an unhealthy person....I had to STOP looking for him to give me anything but the misery and abuse that alkies often bring to the table....My AH #2 was sweet to me and it was hard to boot him out,but I wanted recovery and growth and freedom and he did not...AH #1 was a jerk..abusive, nasty, really ICKY drunk...Easier to leave him then it was to part from #2.....

There are alanon meetings here and hopefully in your town that you can attend....I wold get books on the steps and literature to read, and begin...today....the rest of my healthy life....I am doing it...I still have alkies in my life...brothers...dear dear friends....yea, I wold LOVE to see them get help, but I am powerless....I have to take care of me b/c that is the only thing I CAN do.....Change ME......

islandtime · Veteran Member

Thanks to everyone, you are all very welcoming, and reasuring. Why didn't I reach out a long time ago? Better late than never. I feel so much better already. Can't wait to go to the meetings. Here's my motto.......... I'm not gonna survive, I'm gonna thrive................. I'm gonna find some peace in my life.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you, islandtime. Setting a good goal for yourself already!!!!!!!!! Al-Anon will help you get there.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"