Detaching with...well, with fear - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Detaching with...well, with fear

sadsusie · Senior Member

I am grateful for the other posts on detachment. At a meeting last night someone pointed out that I was not detaching in love. I left home and my AH about 2 months ago. He just got out of Rehab yesterday after about 20days. He seems committed and I am proud of his progress. But I am coming to realize over and over that it is just not that simple. We both have a lot of things to work through. I am now realizing how that whole caretaker thing went to the extreme with me - where I would beat myself up if he was not utterly happy with me...and when he said jump I said "how high" and was always told I wasn't good enough or worse yet - "why did you jump *that* direction." I realized I got something out of being under his control, and I believe he NEEDS someone *to* control (me or others).

It seems like this is getting away from the Detaching theme, but it's not... I do love him, but I am scared to put myself back into contact with him because 1. I don't want to get sucked back in...even for one moment. 2. he is so manipulative that I am afraid that I am going to not even realize he is doing it. 3. When I talk to him and the conversation turns I may not even be able to identify what is happening I just get filled up with emotion and start to cry. and it is really painful!

So, I may get harsh or abrupt with him, and serious because it take so much energy out of me to communicate with him. All or 90% of the old behavioral patterns are still there. on either His part or mine or both. I guess I just need to confident that if I WORK the program I will be able to stay more focused. but for now I am just scared to talk to him. Is that how this can work....I get myself healthy enough to conquer talking to him...regardless of where he is in HIS program?

Do I try to just identify the negative/manipulative behavior and learn how to not SHUT DOWN. yikes. This is hard. I can't imagine how I am going to feel when I SEE him.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel the same way. My ex only recently stopped asking to reconcile. I don't know if there is ever a way back after recovery because for me the more awareness I got the less need I had for him. I realised how unhealthy our relationship was and I never want that again. I think we would both slip into old patterns.when I'm ready to open up again I need a clean slate.x

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

The hardest thing for me, and I know I still dont have it learned completely, is not to accept unacceptable behavior. That behavior is common and familier to me. First I have to identify it. I cant always do that. I easily overreact. I think the worst. Or I minimize.

I know about me that I would be afraid that if I left my hubby and picked out another one, I would get the same deal..... because that is what is familier. And that is what alanon helps us work on in ourselves.

sadsusie · Senior Member

grateful2be thank you so much for the heads up

..we often forget that the people who help us aren't perfect either. But in this case i was telling a story to a veteran - she has maybe 15 years in the program (still married, husband still sober), and it wasn't after sharing..It was after a meeting and I was recounting a story/situation of how anxious I feel when I talk to my husband so I was certainly looking for guidance. I basically have a hard time talking to him on the phone (sometimes) and I had to sort of "yell" at him that I couldn't talk to him but ONCE a day...cause it was all I can handle. She lightheartedly joked...that I was detaching...but to maybe try to detach with some "love" in there.

I hope that it doesn't come to the point that i am too afraid to try anymore. I am feeling a little (a lot) overwhelmed today...and yesterday...by the instability of it all. I can't seem to allow myself to let go and let God. It like i just can't do it. maybe it will come.

Thanks everyone for the posts

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We tend to make things worse and worry, and the outcome is rarely that bad!

You sound like you are not ready. Would you use your arm if you broke it and it was not healed up enough to pick up a cat?

It's ok, very ok to not put yourself in that situation. We can simply say,"I am not ready to put myself in certain situations." Not pointing at him at all, so he does not feel hurt and take it personal.

All of us are afraid when we think of going back, rightly so! Relapse is part of an addicts sobriety/program of recovery. They are never cured. But we can learn skills to deal with that. If they do relapse they go right back to where they were. That can be very scarey.

But if we choose to stay, use our skills, we might be able to glean some more good time with them, using or not.

It sounds like you feel guilty! Would you feel guilty if your arm was not healed up yet? It's no different.

So please please forgive yourself. You have been through a lot. Of course you need to learn how detect manipulation, and how to deal with it! It's painful! As far as doing what he wanted, if you believe the Bible, women were made to be in submission to our spouse. BUT he is to treat us with respect and love and careing as if we were his own body and heart! We are equals in lots of ways, but I know many women need to rely on and depend on their husband and follow his lead. We however take it too far as we get confused.

So we have to learn to be strong in ourselves, and know when he is full of prunes and say hey no way budi!

love,debilyn

sadsusie · Senior Member

Oh my gosh Debilyn - you are right! I didn't reazlize how guilty I felt. I would hate for any human being to have to go through recovery without family support - especially my soulmate - no matter how bad he was to me, I still love him. It is unacceptable for me to treated cruelly etc, but I don't believe he wished this on himself. And I would not want someone to bail on me if I were in this position. Thank you for pointing the guilt factor out. and thank you for using the broken arm analogy! its sooo true. Iam not ready for this. and I do feel guilty. and you are right I owe it to myself to take some time. and your right its NOT that bad - I bet my guilt is influencing my perception of the situation. GRRR that darn guilt!

You are beautiful! Thank you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Sadsusie

I do believe that in the beginning the best tool I learned was to be "Gentle with myself and others' In meetings I saw how treating everyone with courtesy and respect was so powerful I thought if I could do that at home it would help and It Did!!!

I am glad you are here and attending meetings. It is all a process and just remember this Program talks easy but walks hard. We need all the support we can get so please keep coming back

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Grateful2be.......Sounds to me like someone worked your inventory at the meeting...

AND I like your post where U illustrate the "why" you don't want to get sucked into the drama, etc.

So..I have a choice if this were me....Listen to someone who does NOT know my situation, OR listen to my gut instincts and my inner voice telling me "STAY AWAY.....take care of ME....let him GO...."

this "detach with love" well how about "taking care of me" and letting AH do what hes got to do AWAY from me?????

detach w/love to me only means you are letting him learn his own lessons, suffer his own consequences...ceasing the enabling stuff.....stopping the living for him and 4get my needs.....detaching w/love means taking care of me, wishing him the best, but not near me.....JUST saying....

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Unlike what someone said about relapse being a part of recovery and sobriety... I believe its not a part of that at all. It's a part of the untreated disease. When its not treated on a daily basis, just like a diabetic that has to take a shot every day, and doesn't, they are setting the stage that day for what is inevitable; another bout of symptoms of the illness coming to the surface.

Now, as for your fear. It's reasonable. For many, the partner (Al-Anoner) has reached the end of the road, and there is no desire to go back down it after the alcoholic finally goes into treatment. Too much negative history, too many broken hearts, far too many lies, and fresh wounds that don't get healed by someone else simply getting sober. They get sober and think all is well, and yet the untreated or even treated Al-Anon still feels the hurt, the anger, the fear, the doubt, the distrust, etc. For many, they are no more alone while the alcoholic is in treatment then they have been for years while the alcoholic drank under the roof, and they finally realize that they don't need or want to be with someone to be alone. they can do that job all by themselves if they so choose to.

Our healing and recovery is every bit as important as the alcoholics, and we might have to make some very hard decisions with the help of a good support network and sponsor before we think we are ready to jump right back in the frying pan again. Yes, the stove is now turned off... but the pan is still hot as hell.

I agree, now is the time to be gentle with yourself and try to increase your acceptance, while lowering your expectations. No doubt this is a family dis-ease.

John

-- Edited by John on Saturday 24th of August 2013 07:49:53 PM

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thanks everyone.

Yea, the Program is simple, but its HARD. Well I should say that the last few days I was quite overwhelmed. I realize now that a lot of what was going on was my swimming emotions...and the fear. I was not able to identify my millions of emotions...and it was scary. it is still a little scary that I am going to have to WALK THROUGH all of these emotions. But you all really help to give me perspective and to remind me to allow myself to give myself a break. I can't deal with them ALL at the same time lol! Hello. The fear and anxiety distorted my perception of reality. I CAN do this, and I can take as much time as I need, maybe not as much time as I want ( I want to be well already!) but it took time to develop these habits and responses to stress and it is going to take some time to get through it all, maybe a lifetime. And you know what, that's ok. Its gonna be ok. I have lots to learn...and I may need to break down and ask for some medical help, which I have avoided in the past. But I CAN do this. I have to do this. I went to a CoDa meeting today (which is where most of MY issue lie) and was very drained..like a good workout drained. tired but free.

I understand why the 12 points get read at each meeting..because they are life lessons that we need to be reminded of on a constant basis. it is simple, and effective, and I suppose that like anything else - practice makes progress. I am blessed that I have alot of free time and I have meetings planned for most every day; ). If i can handle them.

As for the Detachment with *love* suggestion that I was so worried about - I have come to believe that when I have conversations with my husband (If I need to get off the phone because I am stressed) I should "say what I mean, and mean what I say, but NOT SAY IT MEAN" (thank you to hotrod who taught me that on one of my first posts).

To top of my day of progress. I did speak to my AH husband (Sober 20days) today and told him about how scared I am and how I thought it would all be fixed when he got sober - but that Its not! That I have tons of issues to figure out. He spoke to me with kindness, love and support. Told me to take all the time I need. told me to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself, that alot of what I am feeling is normal. He is looking forward to going to CHURCH on Sundays....and can't wait to go to church with me...(and he's muslim even so this is a big deal). He even said he's hoping we can get together next week that I can come to the house (they fixed it up) and see if there is anything I need from the house (for my place). I have learned to detect his manipulations etc, and I believe he was being genuine.

That being said. I am not planing on running back...but it is nice to have my REAL husband back. But he will always be one drink away from chaos. And I have alot of work to do before I can be a part of a relationship again.

((hugs))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

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