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"My refusal to do so is causing him stress and anxiety". OH Well Ginger, the program is not about him. You must be detaching fine, if he is feeling all that, its his problem isnt it. Detachment should have balance. As wives we are in the role of caretaker , its a fact of life. We have to find the balance which doesnt enable . After all this is about the disease and the drinking.
We are here because they drink, not all in their personalities is caused by the drinking, its very complex.
Its so difficult not be angry with them, thats why we must practice knowing we are powerless and acceptance of the disease.
Melly when your husband said, "I love you", a simple "Thank you" will suffice.
Are resentments and anger are many and why not, we have been pushed to our limits. Step 7 comes to mind.
Humbly asked him to remove our short comings.
One Day at A Time in all our daily lives.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 22nd of August 2013 03:40:58 PM
It has come to my attention that I may be detaching with control rather than detaching with love.
I feel like this is the best I can do for now. And I am trying to be kind and forgive myself for that.
It is very hard to feel love when there are so many negative experiences and resentments in my mind.
When I try to put love for my husband back in the equation I feel I become more apt to be sucked back into the cycle... the cycle of letting my A husband convince me that everything is fine and there's really no problem while he is sober for a little while. Love to him is me meeting his needs for him. He is trying very hard to get me to go back into the caretaker role. It is taking a lot of consciousness to avoid doing that, returning to that pattern.
The alcoholic cycle - pretending everything is ok with him, that he can be sober for a while, then he drinks somewhat reasonably, but it always ramps back up to out of control, then it starts over. I feel like I cannot let myself fall for that again. I refuse to go back there. I am feeling more love for myself but not for him. More respect and worthiness for myself, that I didn't deserve all I have been through, and more respect for myself that I am not going to let this happen again. Not going to go into the denial and minimization with him again.
Almost every word he says to me is him asking me to caretake him, manage his emotions for him. My refusal to do so is causing him stress and anxiety. It's making him feel I am rejecting him but really I am just rejecting his requests to be mothered/managed. So there is much tension between us. How to put the love back in without losing myself? I don;t know if I can do it. I don't know if I want to do it. He is not in any program. He does not admit to needing to work on anything. Says I need to accept him as he is. Which would be a fine statement to make in a relationship if you are not an alcoholic?
I would suggest that you aren't 'detaching with control' as much as you are simply taking care of yourself, and prioritizing your needs & serenity, which is a good thing.
The words "detachment with love" often get misconstrued with needing to stay, and/or taking your A back, and/or accepting unacceptable behaviors.... I don't believe that this is what those three great words mean at all.
Be gentle with yourself
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I gotta say, in my experience, if my AH had said what your AH said about needing to accept him as he is, I would tend to agree. I DO need to accept my AH as he is. However, that does NOT mean that I have to accept a lifetime of being married to him as he is. I have two choices: stay married to him as he is, or leave him as he is and move on with my life.
All I can truly know is my own feelings and my own priorities. My marriage has not met my needs for a long time. I do not feel that my needs are unreasonable. I cannot force my AH to be the person he used to be, or to be the person I want him to be. I cannot accept a lifetime with a husband who behaves the way he behaves now, and I am not willing to adjust my needs and priorities to the extent necessary to accept a lifetime of marriage the way it has been for the last three years. And I realize that is completely, 100% on me. I do not blame my AH for who he is. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I am the one who is not willing to adapt to this kind of a marriage, and I accept that. I do not need to live my life at the mercy of how he chooses to live. Every day that I have chosen to stay in this marriage, it has been a CHOICE made by ME, for which I alone am responsible. And now that I choose to move on with my life, I alone am also responsible for that choice. And I'm OK with that.
I would suggest that you aren't 'detaching with control' as much as you are simply taking care of yourself, and prioritizing your needs & serenity, which is a good thing.
The words "detachment with love" often get misconstrued with needing to stay, and/or taking your A back, and/or accepting unacceptable behaviors.... I don't believe that this is what those three great words mean at all.
Be gentle with yourself
Tom
WOW, Tom, this is awesome.....like I will not take my abusive sister back.....can't say for sure I detached w/love b/c there was never much loveable about her, but she is human, to be given over to her maker and I am staying away from her....She "jabs" at my triggers and enjoys it....I don't need that....I don't need one who enjoys pulling the wings off butterflies....let them go...not with hate, but bless them and send them away from me......and yea, what U say here is something I kinda misconstrued when I gave her another chance w/me....thought I could have a semi relationship w/her with detachment and I got jabbed again, BIG time this time...so that did it for me....I didn't even say anything to her.....just took her off my facebook, blocked her cell, email blocked.....cut her off....end of case.....Thanks for reminder, Tom...I learn every time I come here and read....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think theyre brain is hard wired with a lot of the same sayings and phrases. I also agree at this point "its on me" he's not getting help and Im still here. One day I may have enough of leve, but as of right now I must not be ready. Im enjoying my kids and family, its no big deal going to family functions without him, becasue even tho Im not responsible for his behaviour when he goes. i really dont enjoy myself as much. So I just am moving forward with my life without him. bothers me at times but not enough to "make" him go and deal with him.
I see so many divorced parents that the alcoholic/addict got joint custody and I do not want my son to have to be around his dad in some instances without my support, or being there to remove him if the atmosphere is out of control.
but thats my choice and Im responsible for it... is it not fair living in a non trusting, non growing marriage YEP ! but it is what it is... At this given point Ill just keep protecting myself finacncially .. but who knows what the future holds ... I dont even try to guess
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Oh snap Ginger, we just posted about almost the same thing at the same time! I feel like I'm "detaching with control" too. And I haven't been willing to feel any love either, just resentment of his need to push me back into the caretaker role. He said "I love you" last night and I actually felt angry, like "don't make me feel that" and I snapped at him, "no you don't". He said I was hostile and I went to bed sad. But I don't want to pretend it's all alright...
I don't have any ESH for you, but I hear you and I think I'm in a similar place
Hugz.
I definitely believe my HP is working overtime today--because I was just talking about this issue with my sponsor today. For me, I think I did actually accept that my A was going to live his life the way he was going to live it; however, I also realized I could not live with it anymore. For a long time I detached to the point where I felt like I was floating away, not connected at all, then surges of feelings of love flooded back when my marriage hit a real crisis mode; then it swung back to a mix of genuine feelings of love mixed with acceptance that I would let go.
I could have written your description of trying to accept sober for a while, not drinking much, then eventually and inevitably the return to heavy drinking patterns...it's crazy-making.
You have lots of support here and main thing is to do what you are doing and take care of yourself.
I would suggest that you aren't 'detaching with control' as much as you are simply taking care of yourself, and prioritizing your needs & serenity, which is a good thing.
The words "detachment with love" often get misconstrued with needing to stay, and/or taking your A back, and/or accepting unacceptable behaviors.... I don't believe that this is what those three great words mean at all.
Be gentle with yourself
Tom
Thanks Tom. I guess the concern is that I tend to sort of intellectualize/do things very from my head only and not from my heart/gut, not feel/express my feelings, stuff them, numb out.. as a coping mechanism. (I am also an ACOA and this is kind of how I coped with issues with my parents for a long time - I should hang out on the ACOA board a bit probably.) And I'm afraid that I'm doing that in a way right now, by calling it detachment, but really I'm shutting down in a way.
I gotta say, in my experience, if my AH had said what your AH said about needing to accept him as he is, I would tend to agree. I DO need to accept my AH as he is. However, that does NOT mean that I have to accept a lifetime of being married to him as he is. I have two choices: stay married to him as he is, or leave him as he is and move on with my life.
All I can truly know is my own feelings and my own priorities. My marriage has not met my needs for a long time. I do not feel that my needs are unreasonable. I cannot force my AH to be the person he used to be, or to be the person I want him to be. I cannot accept a lifetime with a husband who behaves the way he behaves now, and I am not willing to adjust my needs and priorities to the extent necessary to accept a lifetime of marriage the way it has been for the last three years. And I realize that is completely, 100% on me. I do not blame my AH for who he is. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I am the one who is not willing to adapt to this kind of a marriage, and I accept that. I do not need to live my life at the mercy of how he chooses to live. Every day that I have chosen to stay in this marriage, it has been a CHOICE made by ME, for which I alone am responsible. And now that I choose to move on with my life, I alone am also responsible for that choice. And I'm OK with that.
I can really relate to what you've shared, stephaniej. i guess right now i'm choosing to stay. but some of that is financial issues, biding my time in a way, and of course hoping that he gets some help before I end up deciding i'm ready to go... but I can't attach to that as an outcome. He is going to do what he is going to do.
I think theyre brain is hard wired with a lot of the same sayings and phrases. I also agree at this point "its on me" he's not getting help and Im still here. One day I may have enough of leve, but as of right now I must not be ready. Im enjoying my kids and family, its no big deal going to family functions without him, becasue even tho Im not responsible for his behaviour when he goes. i really dont enjoy myself as much. So I just am moving forward with my life without him. bothers me at times but not enough to "make" him go and deal with him. I see so many divorced parents that the alcoholic/addict got joint custody and I do not want my son to have to be around his dad in some instances without my support, or being there to remove him if the atmosphere is out of control. but thats my choice and Im responsible for it... is it not fair living in a non trusting, non growing marriage YEP ! but it is what it is... At this given point Ill just keep protecting myself finacncially .. but who knows what the future holds ... I dont even try to guess
thanks sweetr - i totally understand your concern for your son in this situation. thanks for your esh!
WOW, Tom, this is awesome.....like I will not take my abusive sister back.....can't say for sure I detached w/love b/c there was never much loveable about her, but she is human, to be given over to her maker and I am staying away from her....She "jabs" at my triggers and enjoys it....I don't need that....I don't need one who enjoys pulling the wings off butterflies....let them go...not with hate, but bless them and send them away from me......and yea, what U say here is something I kinda misconstrued when I gave her another chance w/me....thought I could have a semi relationship w/her with detachment and I got jabbed again, BIG time this time...so that did it for me....I didn't even say anything to her.....just took her off my facebook, blocked her cell, email blocked.....cut her off....end of case.....Thanks for reminder, Tom...I learn every time I come here and read....
neshema, thanks for your esh - it is harder to detach with love when youre not seeing much (or anything) that's lovable!
Oh snap Ginger, we just posted about almost the same thing at the same time! I feel like I'm "detaching with control" too. And I haven't been willing to feel any love either, just resentment of his need to push me back into the caretaker role. He said "I love you" last night and I actually felt angry, like "don't make me feel that" and I snapped at him, "no you don't". He said I was hostile and I went to bed sad. But I don't want to pretend it's all alright... I don't have any ESH for you, but I hear you and I think I'm in a similar place Hugz.
lol yes you did! yes, i identify with not wanting to pretend it's all right... i do not like pretending. also, pretending it's all right was part of the cycle... and i am trying to get off the cycle! thank you :)
I definitely believe my HP is working overtime today--because I was just talking about this issue with my sponsor today. For me, I think I did actually accept that my A was going to live his life the way he was going to live it; however, I also realized I could not live with it anymore. For a long time I detached to the point where I felt like I was floating away, not connected at all, then surges of feelings of love flooded back when my marriage hit a real crisis mode; then it swung back to a mix of genuine feelings of love mixed with acceptance that I would let go.
I could have written your description of trying to accept sober for a while, not drinking much, then eventually and inevitably the return to heavy drinking patterns...it's crazy-making.
You have lots of support here and main thing is to do what you are doing and take care of yourself.
YF
yes that's how i've been feeling at times... floating away!
a wise person keeps telling me that when the time comes "you'll stay with love or you'll leave with love"... i guess i am being hard on myself that i don't feel like i'm doing either!
yes, the cycle IS crazymaking and thank you for the validation!
"My refusal to do so is causing him stress and anxiety". OH Well Ginger, the program is not about him. You must be detaching fine, if he is feeling all that, its his problem isnt it. Detachment should have balance. As wives we are in the role of caretaker , its a fact of life. We have to find the balance which doesnt enable . After all this is about the disease and the drinking.
We are here because they drink, not all in their personalities is caused by the drinking, its very complex.
Its so difficult not be angry with them, thats why we must practice knowing we are powerless and acceptance of the disease.
Melly when your husband said, "I love you", a simple "Thank you" will suffice.
Are resentments and anger are many and why not, we have been pushed to our limits. Step 7 comes to mind.
Humbly asked him to remove our short comings.
One Day at A Time in all our daily lives.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 22nd of August 2013 03:40:58 PM
thanks for calling me out on the sentence - you're right - it's not about him! ;)
i will try to focus more on my shortcomings and asking for HP to remove them. thanks for your ESH Bettina!
Hi, Ginger. My earlier forms of detachment had to do with letting go of lecturing, begging, pleading, pointing out the error of his ways or dumping his pot into a large garbage bag full of garbage and watching his eyes go "tilt." That, to me, was detaching in love because I was letting him be who he was and learning to tend to myself and my needs again. There are many ways to detach depending on a particular situation or how far the disease has progressed in each of us in my experience. You're letting go of him and focusing on you. Sounds like detaching with love to me - unless of course, you are choosing to do this in hopes it will change him into the man you'd like him to be. And, I didn't see anything suggesting you are detaching for that reason.
Hi-I've been making progress lately thank God, but detachment with love is something I have not been able to achieve. I've gone somewhere emotionally away from my spouse. A little compassion has been sneaking back in but I am still protected with a wall of brick. I find this goal very difficult. I can detach and in fact I've been very good at it for the last several years. I'll let you know how it goes. For today, just do your best to take care of yourself, Lyne
