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My AH's former "partner in crime" for the last 18 months has been in recovery for a grand total of about 4 weeks. He has reached out to me a few times in recent days to (a) express compassion for me and my situation and regret for his past actions, and (b) ask for my "permission" to have a "talk" with my AH (that, based on his description, seems like a mini one-on-one telephone intervention).
My response thus far is to thank him for his compassion and apologies, and to tell him that his friendship with my AH is their business and not mine, and he is free to say or not say whatever he chooses. The few times he has attempted to talk in any detail about my AH's destructive behavior, I deflect the topic because it impedes my ability to detach, and disrupts my serenity. I know what my husband does and doesn't do, and I don't need to hash out the details with this guy, who until a month ago was sitting right beside my AH every step of the way (or hash out the details with anyone anymore, for that matter).
I'd love some ESH here...we are all separated by hundreds of miles right now. My AH is 900 miles from me, and his buddy is 500 miles from where my AH is, and that helps. But if anyone has any thoughts about how I can protect my serenity and my ability to detach, I would love to hear them.
Stephanie In living by the principles of alanon I refuse to engage in any form of gossip or "well meant tale bearing." Keeping the focus on myself and my recovery means that I "Say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean " I would simply wish his friend good luck, say that the principles of my program do not permit me to discus anyone but myself and suggest that he discusses this with his sponsor.
Thanks Betty. Functionally, that is what I have been doing (refusing to engage, deflecting the conversation), but I like the words you put behind it, and if he contacts me again that is what I will say. :)
Stephanie In living by the principles of alanon I refuse to engage in any form of gossip or "well meant tale bearing." Keeping the focus on myself and my recovery means that I "Say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean " I would simply wish his friend good luck, say that the principles of my program do not permit me to discus anyone but myself and suggest that he discusses this with his sponsor.
I agree....to me it is "triangulating" (being in the middle of 2 people relaying messages).... I keep the focus on me and I would say the same thing what Betty said...."suggest that he discusses this w/his sponsor"....and leave it at that.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh, I absolutely do NOT relay messages from one person to the other. No way. Frankly, both of these people (my AH and his friend, who I showed nothing but friendship and kindness to for a long time) have hurt me a lot, and I don't feel it is in the best interests of my emotional health to try to be a broker in their friendship. Nope...I have made it clear to my AH's friend that his friendship with my AH is his business, and his business alone.
I love the "I suggest you talk this through with your sponsor/counselor/whoever." Short and to the point, shuts down the conversation, and allows me to return my focus to myself and what is best for ME.
Stephanie you got the right stuff .. his friend is on a pink cloud of recovery and really needs to be checking in with his sponsor. He's obviously meaning well and is trying to make amends. The reality is 4 weeks of good behavior doesn't erase the months-years of bad. He is still operating from what is going to make him feel better .. I'm speculating .. that is what I hear in your post. Keeping the focus on me and allowing someone else to own their consequences. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Oh, I absolutely do NOT relay messages from one person to the other. No way. Frankly, both of these people (my AH and his friend, who I showed nothing but friendship and kindness to for a long time) have hurt me a lot, and I don't feel it is in the best interests of my emotional health to try to be a broker in their friendship. Nope...I have made it clear to my AH's friend that his friendship with my AH is his business, and his business alone.
I love the "I suggest you talk this through with your sponsor/counselor/whoever." Short and to the point, shuts down the conversation, and allows me to return my focus to myself and what is best for ME.
Oh , OK....glad u clarified that for me....ya know, reading , sometimes I can miss the "inflection" and b/c I know nothing of the situation, I just thought I would throw that in, meaning not that you are passing info, but getting in the middle in anyway.....triangulation was a WRONG word to use...My apologies....I should have said.....I would just let this all go....none of my business....focus on me......and yea, suggest to which one it is to talk w/his sponsor.............sorry for the misunderstanding..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Pushka--thanks, my friend! I think you are right about my AH's friend. I wish him well, and hope his recent steps will lead to lasting recovery for him. Beyond that, I'm minding my own business, LOL!
Neshema--no worries at all, my dear, and no need to apologize! I totally agree; it can be very difficult to pick up certain nuances when you're communicating online. I really appreciate your feedback, and agree completely. This is all just NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I sure wouldn't want my AH talking to one of MY friends about what I discuss what that friend!
Ha! Guess what just popped into my Facebook inbox? A message from my AH's friend. I scanned it, and replied with "I wish you well in your recovery, and am definitely cheering for you. As far as [AH] goes, it's best if you discuss that interaction with your therapist or sponsor. I'm staying focused on me."
Ha! Guess what just popped into my Facebook inbox? A message from my AH's friend. I scanned it, and replied with "I wish you well in your recovery, and am definitely cheering for you. As far as [AH] goes, it's best if you discuss that interaction with your therapist or sponsor. I'm staying focused on me."
Thank you all!
waaaaay 2 go....Stephanie..........you go girl!!!!! Doesn't it feel good when you see program in action within??? Like when I do something healthy, I am so grateful for this program which was and always will be my literal saviour......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I had friends that got used to me going to them with all my drama and after I started working my al-anon program I stopped going to them. They would try to dig and have me tell them some more of my drama and I told them with al-anon I no longer wanted to be complaining so much and needed to change the friendships dynamic. Most of my friends loved the changes and I set boundaries and stuck to them. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It works when you work it Steph...good job following thru. I use to love those "tests" from time to time to see if I could/would walk the program rather than just talk it. Actually I don't have to dream up anything new and exciting all I've got to do is duplicate what others have shown me.
My sponsor once told me that those I use to drink and use with are not to be converted into "friends in recovery" until both of us have an amount of time in recovery that equals at least half the time we drank and used together. Until then, we weren't anything more than "drinking and using buddies."
AA suggest that someone in early recovery change their playmates and playgrounds. This is because completely independent of each another, they both stand a much better chance of recovering. But when they are in the mix with each other in early recovery, their two personalities tend to co-join to manifest one the personality, the one they are familiar with and were so comfortable with as "partners in crime". So, while you might not want to say this to either of them... and let them roll the way they choose to, I just felt it's important for you to know this. This is still one of your "AH's drinking/using buddies", either of them qualify as "friends in recovery" under that guideline that was suggested to me.
I don't know what the status is with your AH. Where he is, what he is doing. Why he is 900 miles away. However, I think its also true that separation in a alcoholic relationship gives you both the opportunity and a better chance of recovering, then being caught up in the mix of a toxic or otherwise emotionally unhealthy relationship in the early stages of recovery. Too many of the old relationship dynamics come into play and tends to work against either party being able to really focus on themselves and their own individual issues.
Let their HP determine their paths, and your HP.... Yours. Try not to get sucked into the middle of their illness, even when the intentions are seemingly harmless and in the spirit of kindness.
Just my two cents worth... I wish YOU the very best and pray your journey in recovery is full of joy, peace and freedom from chaos.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
My AH is 900 miles away for work. He works in a skilled trade in the construction industry, and the economy is poor enough in our area that there is no extra work here (he is in a union, so cannot take a non-union job). We have been separated by large distances before while he has been working, and believe me...I absolutely take advantage of the distance. It is so much easier for me to detach and focus on myself while he is gone. His buddy is in the same trade and also working far away, but he is on a different job in a different state from my AH. I'm sure that if we were all still in the same town like we were until early July, I would be a wreck right now, trying to find out what they have talked about, what was said about me, etc. The distance makes it so much easier to just say "thanks for thinking of me, but this just isn't something I want to hear about. Talk it over with your therapist and/or sponsor. I wish you well in recovery."
900 miles makes it soooo much easier for me to stay on my side of the street. It's a good way for me to re-build my detachment skills, and truly focus on myself. While I agree that it's not in anybody's interest for my AH and this buddy to continue with their toxic friendship, more than anything I just don't want to be involved. They can figure that out on their own. It's not my business if they're friends or not, or what they talk about. I know what I want and need from my marriage, and what matters to me is that my wants and needs aren't being met and haven't been for a long time. Regardless of what my AH is doing on a daily basis while he's away, regardless of who his friends are and what he talks about when he's with them, I trust myself to know if he's meeting my needs. He's not, and I am not willing to compromise my needs to the extent I would need to compromise them in order for our marriage to survive. So I'm focusing on me, ignoring all Facebook messages about my AH, and getting my plan together.
