The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know the feelings you are going through. I know what it feels inside for your son to tell you he is so depressed and can't find a job. I can hear it in my head right now of my 36 year old telling me he has so much anxiety and so depressed and so so sad. 4 years I have enabled him to try and get him to stop drinking. He would for a little while, was all good and I would hand over some money and he would be drinking in a week. I paid his rent and fed him. I kept his head above water. He had 5 jobs in those 4 years even though he had a felony DUI but soon after starting he either quit or was fired because of his alcoholism. Last November I quit and let go and let my HP take over. I needed to get well or I was going to go down with the ship ( my son ) you might say. I posted many times that he was going to be homeless, on the streets, eating out of garbage cans. He was going to drink himself to death or get killed out there in the wild. Well it's August and it still hasn't happened. He is sober right now, got a job for room and board at a ranch working with horses and still has the ability to get a part time job while he learns and hopefully go's into recovery. Mom let go......after all this time of helping and enabling he did it on his own.
Oh.....my son was grateful for every penny I spent on him. He never had to ask, mom just took care of it for him. What I have learn and is a very good lesson. Let them go and let them fail or have success for themselves. Give them that respect to grow up and learn by their mistakes no matter what happens.
Me......Al-anon because I was just as sick as my son. My worry, fears and heartbreak was killing me. What short lived satisfaction I did get did nothing for him or me. The pain return and return worse than ever. Now I can control it and have the peace I'm doing the right thing by him no matter what. I can release that guilt and just love him for what he is.....one of God's creatures that has the know how and ability to make it if he wants it bad enough.
I love him dearly but I will not in this lifetime ever again enable him and have any part in his decisions. He has to do it for himself now.
Take care of you my friend.....you are not alone here so keep coming back for support.
PS: He is either going to drink or he's not " What are you going to do "
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 21st of August 2013 03:31:09 PM
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 21st of August 2013 04:06:58 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My son has stayed sober and is attending AA meetings as far as I know. I spoke with him today and he's really depressed as he hasn't been able to find a job and he's broke. I have been helping him with his rent and food. I know he doesn't really want to take my money but under the circumstances he needs the help. My anxiety right now is through the roof as I'm afraid he may relapse.
I know that it's beyond my control but I can't help but worry about his state of mind. I know it's a fine line between "helping" and "enabling". He has been very grateful for my support and God knows I am going through a rough patch myself right now. I am also between jobs and it hasn't been easy trying to stay positive.
Dear Rose, I hear ya lady friend, however I am hoping that you can get into a meet and work the steps 1 through 3.....I CANT control this.......my HP can...........I need to let it go to HP........
I got hammered with a BIG disappointment w/a grandson...not gonna go into it, my sponsor and I will work me through it, but the thing is...I am working steps one through three.....LETTING GO....taking care of ME first, so I CAN be useful to other creatures.....
Keep coming back....(((Hugs)))
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for your words of wisdom. You understand as only a mother can. We are both traveling the same rocky path. My son is 34 and I have been dealing with this disease for several years now, as soon as I came out of denial. it's been back and forth - numerous hospitalizations, once in the ICU where he was placed on a ventilator due to DT's.
He is currently in a halfway house and he's told me that drinking goes on as they turn a blind eye. Seems as long as you pay your rent you can continue living there. I know he has remained sober and is trying hard to find work but is getting very discouraged. He did have some interviews but no luck so far. I did send him a text earlier today saying "Don't give up - we will get through this together (since I am also job searching) - you are not alone."
I will leave it at that. You are so right. He will drink or not. There isn't anything I can do. Sometimes I think that my helping him financially is preventing his HP from taking over. Is this a foolish thought? I just don't know any more.
I also have 2 daughters and grandkids. I feel I have been neglecting them as my son's problems have been consuming me. This is so hard. I need all the support I can get.
My prayers go out to you Mothers with your sons and daughters.
I know how it was with the X A and he wasnt even my blood. I hear the anguish and I want to wrap you all up in a hug.
Gaby, I understand what your saying about your son , the closest young person we have in our family is my nephew. An Alcoholic, his Mother was an Alcoholic, she finally got sober after 25 years, her son, my nephew turned 18 and he was drinking and she said she couldnt have it in her environment. She made him leave the house one night and the kid had no where to go, so he slept on a Tennis court for 2 nites. My Mother, his Grandmother just couldnt understand this at all and went and picked him up to live with her. He is forty today, he has had 3 DUI"s and managed to stay out of jail, calif jails are so overcrowded, you dont do more than 30 days and now I hear they have a lottery and he got a number and he was able to get out. Not sure alcoholics belong in jail.
He has held onto his job all these years and his license has been taken away for 3 years, so he rides a bike. But he is alive and still young. I just feel the dynamics are different when its your own. Him and his Mom's relations have been strained ever since then, he never forgave his mom for throwing him out. I pray for him all the time.
I say, "It takes a village" are whole family is very involved with our nieces and nephews. This last time he had the DUI I guess he was in counseling and he wrote a letter to me and my other brother , his uncle, making amends.
I felt so bad for him like he is my own son. His uncles on his mothers side are all alcoholics and he lost one uncle who was very young, maybe 20, who was a passenger in a vehicle. they had all been drinking and they got in an accident and his uncle died at the hands of a drunk driver, he was in the back seat sleeping it off.
All you can do is trust in your HP , no projections, Do what is best for you and your sons, Love all you can allow.
Loads of Hugs Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 22nd of August 2013 01:40:56 AM
My son has been in the hospital many many time. On a ventilator for 3 days in ICU and many detox centers. 2 DUI's, 4 months in jail and still he drinks. Not until I ended the madness has he done something on his own without my help. There are no guarantees he's going to get better and seek help but I do know he is capable of doing it and doing it without me.
I have finally set my boundaries and let HIM feel the pain of his choices. I'm not going to step in and ease that pain because I know if I do we will right back to where it all started. I have to be strong and let my ADULT son take care of himself no matter the outcome. I will detach with love and kindness and just be his mom...not his savor.
I would recommend you get the book " One day at a time" great read everyday. Go to a Al-anon meeting get the literature and sit down and listen to the wisdom within the room. Face to face meetings will give you the support you need and give you some strength to end your anxiety and fear within.
Two other books I trust "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew and " Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke.
Just keep coming back to MIP for much needed ESH and support you need right now.
We know where your coming from so you are not alone.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can complete understand you. My son is 21 he is an addict to herion. I spent several times at the ER. All I can say is regardless if my son is in rehab by his own choice.. I live with a lot of projection. I have a lot of faith in god. But the past still is unforgettable. He has told me many times . "Mom love me regardless but stop saving me" I have to say. I was and probably and maybe his worst enabler!! But I always said " I will not bury my son" !! My son did so much that I wanted to take my own life.. But I have a daughter that needs me too. So I could not be selfish. But it drag me to the core of my stomach.. That I live I'm huge depression regardless of where my son maybe at today. You are not a lone. But I pray for my sanity and peace!! Because I'm not ok even though he maybe. God bless .. You are not alone!!!
I am so grateful for this forum - a place where we can all share our ESH. I know I am not alone in my struggles and I thank you for your support and understanding.
Rose50: Although I have listened to my son in his depressed state in the past, I have learned that for my own sanity - I need to limit the listening. Unlike your son, mine is only talking about going to meetings - he hasn't gone to one yet. If I stand in the gap with my son too long, I start spinning inside. I'm learning to listen a bit, feed back the strength and wisdom he speaks himself, offer some E/S/H and choices that I see for me and for him, too, and leave him to struggle in his way with his issues following a prayer of surrendering him again into the hands of his HP. If he had a sponsor, which he doesn't, I'd refer him to that program tool. Consistent exposure to negativity for me - even with one of the greatest treasures of my life - my son - can hurt me. I can't stay true to myself and march into hell with him, too. I know how our kids' issues and disease can take us to the brink of despair. I have been there. I don't want to go there again. It doesn't help me. It doesn't help him. Sending you much, much understanding and support.
I'm new to this, thank you for your post. My son is 30 years old and a highly resistant alcoholic. I have no illusion that I can fix him, and I don't care whether he drinks or does not at this point. After putting him out of the house (I'm single) in 2007 and losing contact with him after giving him money in 2009, he asked if he could return home for this summer. I allowed it. He "says" he wants to move to San Diego, etc., and I've said I will help by buying him a plane ticket and giving him rent money for a month, but he has not made any plans. Do I have to put him out of the house again? I was glad to reconnect after his estrangement and I'm trying to love him this summer. Putting him out seems to have so much fear and anger attached to it. His father lives in another state and will not get involved (he is bipolar). My son, CW, has been staying in his room and avoiding me since I communicated that he needs to get a job or move now.
Your post was helpful to me. I'm struggling with how to get my son to move on without putting him out. He holds deep resentment for my putting him out when he was 25 years old. At age 30, I allowed him to come home for this summer. He is very down and out and has nothing. I've told him that he can work and stay here or move, but he is doing neither right now. What else can I do? (His father is in another state and will not help.)
I'm sorry you are going through this situation with your son. I don''t have any experience with needing to put my son out as he was living with his father several years ago and then decided on his own to move to San Diego with a friend. After 4 years on the west coast, he ended up coming back home but stayed with friends. During these times he was drinking heavily and ended up in the hospital and rehab on more than one occasion. He finally seems to be getting his act together. (I'm hoping and praying)
Hopefully someone else can offer their experience and support but from what I've learned in Al-Anon is that we need to set boundaries with the alcoholic and then follow through. Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? They are very helpful. I know how difficult this is when it's your child. This is such a dreadful disease.
Hi Rose, Thanks for your reply. I wonder what it is about San Diego? My son wants to go there, too. I can set boundaries but how to follow through is another matter. "You may stay here if you have a job and contribute to the household." If he does not get a job, how do I enforce his leaving the house? I'm hoping we will be able to work things out. He has not been drinking for the last 4 nights, but he has also stayed in his rooms without seeing me in the kitchen or elsewhere. Maybe he needs to have no money so that he cannot buy beer--his own way of stopping? I'm just starting with all of this and will get the books mentioned and learn more. Thanks for being there!
