Allow my alcoholic mother to come & stay with me in Cornwall? - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Allow my alcoholic mother to come & stay with me in Cornwall?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Q: Perhaps you already know the answer to your own questions? Being true to myself requires a lot of courage and honest appraisal of what I truly want for myself in life and how I plan to obtain what I want for me by myself. Sometimes, what I want for me conflicts with what others want from me or with me. I cannot be true to myself and still be who others want me to be for or to them. Al-Anon helps us define ourselves apart from other people. We learn to appreciate what we think, feel, like and dislike, want and don't want.

Some choices I have had to make in my lifetime were hard because they disrupted what was very familiar to me. I wasn't always sure of the outcome of those decisions or choices when I acted upon them because I had no control over the reactions or behaviors of people I cared about. I learned that even if I didn't have control over other people's reactions, I did know exactly what was happening inside me over and over again when I wasn't being true to myself. I hurt. I hurt a lot.

That's another reason Al-Anon is helpful to us when we attend consistently and learn to apply the steps and slogans one day at time to our lives. It helps us gain the support of other people who have struggled with some of the same things we are. When we see they are doing okay and hear how they handled things, we become more confident in the choices we make that are beneficial to our growth. We also stop hurting so much because we aren't trying to be or do anything that isn't right for us. The decisions you need to make for yourself are difficult and challenging ones. You can make them and you can carry through on them. As BF says, the answers are within you in this situation. Al-Anon can help you hear them by learning how to apply the program to your life.

Much support for you as you continue to listen to yourself and act on what you hear in faith and trust in yourself and your HP.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 21st of August 2013 01:29:02 AM

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Hi there, I am new to alanon, attended my first meeting last night, a very emotional one at that with some amazing supportive people with such touching stories. I am in the process of moving to Cornwall on my own. I'm wondering if it would be enabling my alcoholic mother to allow her to come over and stay at my new place after i've settled in. Last time we went on holiday she was drinking 75cl vodka every night, it didn't cause too many arguments as she's just get wasted within 2 hours in the evening and then would go to bed. It interfered with us being able to watch a film properly or even at all most nights. We stayed in a caravan & there was just the two of us. She is a night time drinker, but drinks very heavily & doesn't know when to stop, she has liver disease & is struggling to breathe in the mornings now. When we went away i wheeled her around in a wheelchair all the time because she always falls breaking bones in her body & this time it hasn't healed properly because she has osteoporosis.

The original arrangement was for her to come with me when i move so she could have a holiday but that was before her drunken degrading abuse at me, which somehow has been the final straw for me. It's like i've been awakened to the damage that it does to me now. I used to just take it and think it was the normal relationship but now i hear what she says and it hurts me much more (probably because i suffer with depression & i am more in touch with sensitive feelings, things affect me more now) i don't know but i just know that to get along with her i have to be a false me, someone who laughs everything off & ignores my feelings, and as that person isn't me anymore i feel like our relationship dynamics have to change.

I told her i'd write to her in a few weeks but now i feel mean because i know she wanted a holiday. She first said i'll wait till you've settled in and then i'll come for a holiday & i said 'don't you want to help me settle in?'....... of course she doesn't... of course she can't. But she said she would, and then came the verbal abuse....and then i found alanon :)

But back to my original question, how do i deal with her staying or not staying over, as it would be for like at least a week or 2, she already arranged to meet an ex boyfriend who is too an alcoholic for drinks which put me off her coming, the mess would be coming with me...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha qwerty and good for you getting to your first face to face group. I hope you were stirred enough to make plans for the next one. It is saddening and maddening living with an alcoholic. I know that only too well and I was so glad to learn in program about the "two" women I was married to; my wife and my alcoholic. There was and is a difference and I had to learn, for me, how to respond according to which one I was with at whatever time. When she was under the influence I was with my alcoholic and didn't have the same expectations I would have being with my wife. Both are different because alcohol alters who ever it touches. I learned how to allow my alcoholic and wife the dignity of her choices and to accept her unconditionally. If you have her around you. You will have to manage you and not her. You get to say the yesses and the noes and to stand by your decisions allowing her whatever responses and reactions she might come up with. It sad because the woman you are describing appears to be "end stage" alcoholic. Slow down and take your time with decisions. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

VERY tough situation...Good U R going to meetings..I hope that becomes a regular in your routine (meetings) do you have any step books yet??? a sponsor???

you can only take care of you...Having an abusive alkie in my home would not be an option..I have suffered enough b/c of other people drinking and don't have to anymore...This is MY nest..MY sanctuary and I make the rules.... so unless one is n ACTIVE AA recovery, they need not knock on my door...Its my rule...I don't allow excessive drinking in my house....I don't mind sharing a beer or two w/a good neighbor or my SIL next door, but I won't allow "out of control" people in my home...

This is an issue where you choose to invite her or not...I am just curious, if she is abusive, and you are thinking of allowing that again in your house, what step are you working re: this issue and what you can do to take care of you???....Why do you think you owe her a visit that sounds like it won't be pleasant???? I would latch onto the 12 steps w/a good sponsor and get to know the reasons why I would allow abuse around me....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Our CAL includes a card that details a simplified version of detachment. If you received a newcomer's packet yesterday, you might look to see if that card is in the packet. There is very helpful information on it that might help you in this case.

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Thanks nesh, jerry, grateful, & BF.

I don't have a sponser yet, as i've only been to 2 meetings and with me moving next week i thought it will prob be cornwall when i get a sponser now. I'm going to order a book today now, thanks... i can only afford 1 atm, which 1 is best to get for my first one? a few ppl had courage to change i like the look of that one. I don't have any step books yet, what's that? and thanks for telling about that book BF..

I feel as though it's make or break time with my mum because of the move. It won't be like before now, where i see her once every 2 weeks, and speak on the phone 10 times a day.... it'll either be come to stay for a full week or 2, or more she was talking about... and yeh why should i allow that in my home, could i allow it? i think it would drive me nuts..

I feel really sad though now, she said she can see me later if i want, i didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, because it could be the last time i ever see her.. :'(

I went to see my aunty & uncle yesterday, turned up at their door and it broke my heart when i left them, all i was thinking was 'it could be the last time i ever see them.' Crying now..

Part of me doesn't want to leave my family, but all they do is reject me and i'm sick of trying to fit into a family that loves me but isn't interested in including me in anything. (possibly a meal every month at the pub) that's it though, birthdays they are there sometimes... my aunty is an alcoholic too but again in denial, she was drinking wine yesterday when i went round & there was an empty bottle on the side. (she said she has liver problems too yesterday) yet in the pub a couple of months ago she made a remark about 'oh that's alcoholics isn't it'....complete denial.

I feel as though i'm not going to allow my mum to stay, but now i'm thinking well she'll just carry on drinking until something happens and then she will need full time care...or what? what will happen? i know i need to stay in today but i always wonder where will it end.. then i think she'll need me, & i'll be 300 miles away, & all the family will hate me even more if i don't come back, so i'll cut the piece of thin thread that i'm hanging on by with them...

I ask myself, am i running away from something, or going towards something.... hmmm

-- Edited by qwerty49 on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 06:48:38 AM

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Nesh, my mum has texted me saying she would love to say to me that she doesn't drink anymore and that she has to do it in her own time and she was looking forward to coming to Cornwall with me to help me get set up. I don't want to go alone, and i'm upset now because i feel horrible i'm starting to think shall i say she can come with me when i first go for a week but then if she wants to come back she will have to come back sober or i won't want to know. Is this a good idea, or is she pushing my boundaries again if i give in? I'd prefer to have someone with me when i go, and maybe once i'm there i can carry on the meetings and start getting help for myself (with 'my' binge drinking) and i could then stick to what i say (about how she can only return sober)...

So confused

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