The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have sort of been a lurker on this message board. I have attended 4 Al-Anon meetings; read the pamphlets, bought 'courage to change' and I have started journaling again but I am too new to this way of thinking to be strong enough to deal with this on my own. I am too ashamed to tell my friends and family what is going on. What is that expression? You are only as sick as your secrets. Oh boy, I must be sick.
My live-in boyfriend is a mess and if I am honest with myself he has been a mess since we met 8+ years ago. Damn hindsight... Nothing out of the ordinary for a narcissist with a borderline personality disorder and long term alcoholism. He cannot keep a job. Has fractured relationships with his parents, brother and his grown children. No money in the bank and no where to go when I finally get the guts to cut him loose. Oh, and no mode of transportation of his own either. I am the queen of enabling.
He had a big scare 3 1/2 years ago when he tried to kill himself with 60 Ambien and a fifth of vodka. He ended up in a psych ward involuntarily for 3 days. He said it was his rock bottom and attended a few AA meetings until he said he didn't need them any more. He said the people in the meetings had much bigger problems than he did. I guess he was a dry drunk because he never worked the program.
About 6 weeks ago he ended up in a nicer psych ward. I guess it wasn't as scary as the first so he did not have another epiphany. About 3 weeks ago he started drinking again and all I want to do is sleep. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I want to bean him over the head with a frying pan (figuratively) so he will wake up and realize how he is behaving like a jerk. I want to warn his children that he is in another manic state so they can avoid the pain of knowing their father is sick and not trying to help himself.
He calls me at least 3 times during a work day. I thought work would be a place where I could have some peace and quiet. He is totally messed up this afternoon and I just don't have the energy to deal with it. I know I should go to an Al-Anon meeting but I just want to go home and hide in a bubble bath.
I guess I will focus on detachment tonight. Thank you for listening.
Welcome, I can relate to the wanting to sleep and just being exhausted.
Sad, you cannot save him from himself, we are powerless over other people, whatever their problems and issues are. They have to want to get well and they have to take the actions for their own lives.
Save yourself, that you have the power to do. Alanon will be your savior, it will give you hope and rebirth. I have been where you are, I speak from my experience with Alanon.
All you need is an open mind, a few moments a day to read the literature and some books if you want and you will be on a new journey. One of creativity and renewal , strength and hope.
You have just begun your journey, keep coming back to those meetings and come here also to post when you feel the need.
This board has a lot of experience. Go to Alanon then take your bubble bath. Detach, detach, detach for your own sanity.
Step One " We are powerless over the alcohol, mental illness, people places things." We only have power over ourselves.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Bettina
The alcoholic in my life is my father. When I was away at university, I dreaded going home for the holidays/exam break. I'd even get angry at friends that went home and 'left' me there by myself. Pretty insane huh?
I am the former wife of 2 alcoholics..I just could't live with the insanity anymore so the 2nd I booted out and I got myself into alanon...I have not looked back....I can never save another, but I can save me and that is what I am doing....I would never ever "go back there" to that life again...living alone is a lot better than the drinkers who offer me no life but a life of chaos, drama, being alone a lot, shot nerves, tears, frustration....I want better than that...whether or not I find someone, I have alanon and it has taught me a whole new way of thinking, feeling, acting, it has changed me...keep coming back
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Al-Anon teaches us how to set boundaries for ourselves. I see a lot in your share that your choice to go to Al-Anon will help. I doubt you were able to hide in the bubble bath for long? Especially if you live together? I used to sleep a lot trying to escape the reality of my own life when I lived with my x. I got better when I learned how to stick up for myself and care for myself in ways that helped me stop sleeping so much and start living again. We're glad you're here. We've been there. We are working on solutions to improve ourselves and our lives. Welcome to MIP.
Sharing here is a great way to start moving back into your own recovery efforts. I can only suggest you might want to get to some f2f meetings as soon as you can. Take that bubble bath, but don't try to live there. I've done it. My bathroom became such a retreat that I put a darn TV/DVD player in it! I found it was enabling my depression, not helping it at all. So now, I try to get out in the sun, drink healthy juices, and go to meetings which gives me a safe place to be a part of the universe and interact with others. I still take my baths, but I limit them to 30 minutes. :)
Glad you found your way back to us.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I wish you the best of luck. ponder the question....will this change?.....and do I want to deal with this WHILE I wait for it to change? YOU can do nothing about his recovery, that is on him. But you can make your own life better. Why is it is acceptable that he doesn't have to work hard, doesn't have to pay a car note, while everyone else does? Sure, Im sure there are "excuses" for his behavior..but plenty of people have excuses and still manage to pull it together.
I was ashamed and tried to protect my husband at first...now that I am gone I am quite open about the situation...probably 5 out of 6 people I mention it to each have their own story to share. I was planning on going to a Codependency meeting tonight and had asked for directions when one of my coworkers asked what meeting.. I said a Codependency meeting..cause ; ) I'm Codependent. Two of the 3 women standing raised their hands and said "Me too" - one had a "chip" and one said she didn't have a chip but had 2 marriage certificates to prove it. The other girl said she was wanting to look into going to Al-Anon because her Dad has been sober for a year. You may be surprised what you find once you start getting things off your chest. Give it a try, it is very healing. Everyone has secrets.
