The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
glad your here. I also asked my A husband to leave when we were married for 25 years.
You think living with the alcoholic is the worst, but I say living and learning to live without them is even harder after so many years.
You have to do whats best for u but with boundaries. At first he wouldnt tell me where he moved too, for at least 3 months and even forgot how I found out where he lived.
We were able to have a friendship, until he passed last month from this terrible disease. We did live apart, I did have boundaries were he could not call me drunk or show up drunk or be drunk in my presence. He honored that most of the time.
I don't know what the future holds for your A , but coming here was very wise on your part and maybe you need to attend an Alanon meeting. There are meeting and online chat on this board. This will help you to stay strong. You don't know what the future will hold. If you never tried Alanon while married to him, you might just want to take it One Day At A Time.
"Why can't he stop drinking", a question I use to ask myself all the time. Because we don't have the disease of alcoholism its hard for us to comprehend why they can't stop drinking. Joining Alanon many years ago educated me on the disease. It is a disease for sure if not halted it can cause insanity and it can cut them down in the prime of their lives. Meanwhile, we a suffer from their drinking and our lives are not manageable.
Alcoholics do manipulate and cause us to feel guilty for wanting a sane life. Most importantly is what are you going to do to take care of yourself. You do not have any power over his drinking or his actions.
Please come back and post and read the posts of the other alanoners who have also experienced living with this disease.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 20th of August 2013 03:04:43 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 20th of August 2013 03:07:10 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 20th of August 2013 03:08:59 PM
So, I finally got up the courage to stand up to my AH and ask him to leave; he wouldn't and I had to go to court to have him vacate the property legally. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'll never forget the look on his face. I know I had to do it for me, my kids and my AH. I did try to detach first (we've been together for 25 years); I personally wasn't able to do it. Well, now he's gone literally. He left the house and he hasn't told me, our kids, or his own family where he's gone. He's led my youngest son (14 yo) to believe he's living in his car. It seems ridiculous that he'd do such a thing since he does have a job and family he could stay with. I'm wondering if he's still trying to manipulate me; hoping I'll feel bad and ask him home. I'm so tempted to try to find him and I wonder every night if he's safe, if he's eaten, if he has somewhere to sleep. He makes me want to cry for him. Why can't he stop drinking (what am I talking about; he doesn't even think he has a problem). Thanks for listening.
Lee, what a brave choice! Focus on your life and your kids' lives.
When you don't know what to do focus on Good Orderly Direction and do the next productive thing you need to do for you and your kids. Say the Serenity Prayer. Repeat.
I did it and, yes, it is hard. Yes, he is and will continue to try and manipulate you and the kids. Now, focus on your recovery and let him figure out how to care for himself. He is a grown man, regardless of the ineffective choices he has made for his life and he has made some ineffective choices. You will miss him, you will be reminded of the good times, you will smell him around the house, you will romanticize...our minds do this to us. You will feel like a horrible person....when all of this stuff comes up, post here, go to an al anon meeting, call your sponsor (if you don't have one, it would be helpful to get one), read the posts here, read al anon literature. You need to reprogram your thinking so you can think and act in a healthy way. You did the right thing and you are not alone, ever. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Thank you for you responses. Bettina - I have been going to meetings since January. I go fairly religiously; it's hard sometimes to hear the shares. They are not always uplifing. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes I feel so comfortable and at home at the meetings and sometimes it makes me sad. I should probably look for a larger meeting, but I wanted to start off with a smaller meeting because the whole thing intimidated me to me honest. It took me months to talk myself into going.
It's funny that I am just getting used to the fact that the man that I've been married to for 25 years has been controlling and manipulating me for many many years. I see it now; but that is certainly not the sweet, thoughtful boy that I met all those years ago. I try to remember that I need to separate the two men - as if I've lived 2 lives.
Thank you again all. I always feel better just writing it down and knowing someone on the other end is going to understand.
I'd be surprised if, deep down inside, he still thinks he does NOT have a problem, but unfortunately, part of our "powerlessness" is that we don't control the timeline of his recovery (no matter how much we want it).
Just wanted to encourage you to continue YOUR journey of recovery, and keep choosing to do things for you and your children.... He may get sober, and things may all work out in the end - who knows - but you going to rescue him right now isn't doing you (or him) any good. He's a grown man, and he has options.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Most alcoholics are very resourceful and will find a way if need be. When the enabler is missing they have to own up to their problems and start doing for themselves. I'm finding this out with my AS and I wouldn't have believed it a couple of months ago. Whether he drinks or not......I keep telling myself " What am I going to do"
Take care of you and keep coming back because you are not alone....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Lee I gave my AH the boot as well....and when it was over, it was over....I was DONE.....yea, I did "wonder" a bit here and there, but I later got into alanon and focused solely on me...I will never forget him, but doing what I did relieved me from the resentments and now I can remember the good in him, but oh yea, I was right to cut him loose...I deserved a life...I reached out for it and I am living it....yea, things are tough, making it alone, but I come home to a peaceful home.....It was worth it...I was and am worth it....Keep working on your program...say the slogans daily....do the serenity prayer to your Higher Power....work daily on you...It will get better....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi, Lee. You got lots of good E/S/H here. I do want to say that your husband is an adult who can fend for himself in the ways that he chooses. He has an HP to guide him and to open doors for him. I can remember worrying that if I forced my ex through court action to pay the support he was supposed to be paying, he could go to jail, be beaten, raped and on and on the scenarios ran in my head. Finally, I realized that whatever happened due to his refusal (not inability) to pay child support was the consequence of his choice. The consequence I was paying and my children were paying was my business. I filed with the courts. I was sick for a week inside being concerned for him. He never went to jail. His wages were garnished. I got the little bit of support that had been court ordered at that time and it helped to pay for a sitter while I worked. I learned that if I looked at my part and my circumstances - not him and his circumstances - I had more energy to do what I needed to do for my family. Much support as you continue with Al-Anon and learning how to detach from your husband's choices and circumstances.
They have their addiction and we have ours -- which is them. I know after bad consequences sometimes my A would give up alcohol for a little while, vowing never to drink again. But then he'd start telling himself that things weren't that bad ... anyway this time it would be different ... he was stronger now ... and he did miss the good parts of it ... he missed those a lot ... So he'd start drinking again. And I'd think, "What the %$@*!? You suffered all that and now you're back at it!?" But then I realized that that's just what I did too. At first I'd be glad to get my "substance" (him) out of my life -- but then I'd start getting nostalgic about all the good times -- and I didn't have any track record of coping with sadness or difficulty without using my substance (being co-dependent on him) -- so I'd panic at the feelings and decide it wasn't so bad really ... and back I'd go, just like he went back to the bottle.
When I finally made the break (thank God!), I thought, "If only I'd stuck with it all those other times, I'd be way over it by now!"
Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Hugs.
