The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, as I've shared, I've been keeping pretty cool, calm and collected for a while now. Detatched and even at times amused by my AB's relentless logic-twisting, blame and sometimes out and out harassment.
I posted the other day about something ridiculous he had said- and in one of the replies Bettina used the word "buffoon" and it tickled my funny-bone. So the next day when he was stumbling about drunkenly moaning at me that I am neglecting him and that "I don't love him anymore", I gave him a deadpan look and said "I certainly don't love your drunken buffoonery" and after he had staggered off in what became a 2 day long huff, I buried my face in my pillow and laughed until it hurt. I wasn't trying to be mean, I'm just over trying to placate him when he's drunk and self-pitying. Especially since it tends to turn into anger no matter what I say.
So after he had recovered from this terrible, wounding insult he decided to up the anti and started pushing my buttons harder than he has ever pushed before. And I ignored, and I ignored...until I "snapped", and by snapped, I mean I very calmly and politely asked him if he was going to help clean the house for the landlord inspection the next day. He responded with "I've just woken up" (it was 4pm) "I can't believe you're already screaming at me and I've just woken up". Somehow, being accused of screaming..yet again...when I had simply asked a question pushed me over the edge, and there was a small amount of bickering. ("Why should I clean the entire house while you sit on your ass day after day, blah blah, you know the drill). He started with the "I'm almost 40 years old and I'll do what I want" and "The only person that has a problem with me is you. You bring it all on yourself" and other such gems. And I was ready to walk away, truly I was, and then he said "you know you never would have gotten hurt if you hadn't come into my space and hassled me". (referring to the time he dragged me down the hallway by my hair? The black eyes? Broken ribs? All of those precious moments from so long ago that we don't ever mention? Those terrible things I brought on myself?) and suddenly I was channelling a demon, I don't think I've ever roared with so much venom in my life. "You should be in jail for what you've done you &^%$%^*()(*&^%$#$&*()_(*^%^%$#".
Whilst it's not useful to yell or swear at the A (that's not the bit I'm proud of) and I'm sure it didn't have much impact on him, what mattered was that after a few minutes of private angry tears, I felt fantastic. Why? Because for years, I haven't dared mention "those times" because I couldn't bear the anger and frustration of hearing him tell me that I had "brought it on myself" or the days that would come after, where he would angrily give me the cold shoulder, or threaten to leave because I had dared mention "the times I pushed him so far that he hurt me". In fact in the past, if I had exploded like that, I would have been miserable, terrified and full of guilt and shame. But not now. For probably the first time ever, I see it for what it has been, really traumatic, abusive and devastating. If I've become a loner, achieved little and spent a great deal of time hiding in my house and being afraid of my own shadow, it's not because I'm useless and defective, it's because I've been through some really freaking traumatic crap! And I deserve what I am building now, my own self-esteem and my own life, and if he feels hurt that I don't have the time or inclination to enable him and pander to his relentless mood swings and drunken bullcrap, well, boo hoo. I know he's nervous, he knows I've had enough and I was feeling a lot of guilt about that. But you know what? HE BROUGHT THAT ON HIMSELF.
So, I don't know if I explained that well, but I just feel released. From some weird prison I built for myself. I renounce that guilt and shame. It's just another one of the many burdens I've chosen to shoulder on his behalf. No more. It doesn't matter if he never owns it- because that isn't likely. But it matters that I've chosen not to, anymore.
Your next to last sentence summed it up best, "It doesn't matter if he never owns it- because that isn't likely. But it matters that I've chosen not to, anymore. " IMHO, that is growth, the Alanon way.
Every once in awhile, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Just as long as you find your balance again.
You took baffoon to another level, "Drunken Baffoonery" I like it, it made me laugh. I see a man that doesnt want to take responsibility for his own actions. He is fortunate that you are still there.
As long as you feel good about your release thats all that matters.
Keep building that new life Melly, take care of yourself, he is capable of physical violence .
Alanon is about gaining wisdom and serenity so we can find the solutions to bring about the happiness we deserve.
Congratulations. Keep on taking care of yourself. Taking on someone else's burden is not what we were put on this earth for. It is not USEFUL to swear and yell, but sometimes it does act as a catharsis. And it finally pushes those thoughts and emotions in your brain to a new level where you can deal with them.
He has choices too. He can choose to put down the booze.
Melly: There is a point we reach of no return. Lots of good E/S/H here. After reading your post, I feel my sparkly sword and spear coming out to protect you. Of course, I can't do that, but if he's done that to you in the past - he's going to do it again - and maybe when you least expect it? Do you have money, keys and a safe place to go with your daughter and a plan in place to protect both of you? We get so used to the violence, we don't always see the danger we can be in. I don't know if you've ever contacted a Domestic Assault organization in your area, but you may want to do that? I'm fairly certain others will come on the board with numbers for you to use if necessary.
I'm with everybody else on this board. Please take very good care of yourself, Melly. Please don't under-estimate the power of this disease and the possibility of yet another assault.
Thanks all, and G2B, I'm painfully aware that he could become violent again without warning. When I first started to "wake up" I educated myself a great deal on domestic violence and how the cycle of abuse works.
It stopped (for the time being) when I stopped hiding it and told my parents (who already knew, of course). My stepdad confronted him and although he appeared not to care, he hasn't touched me since. At the time, perhaps I was still mired in codependance and wanted to believe that he could get better and that is why I have stayed until now.
Yes, I've thought extensively about what I will do in a crisis and have sought advice. I have a bag at the ready and have considered many scenarios and exit plans.
Right now, I'm enjoying working on myself, and just starting to come to terms with the fact that it really cannot be. I don't feel that I'm in immediate danger, but yes, that could change. I have my eyes open. I don't engage him when he has that "look" any more and I don't drink alcohol in his company ever, because in the past, that's when I have tended to speak up and miss the danger signals.
I don't have any delusions that it's "in the past" and everything will be rosy from now on. But I need, I MUST find my strength and serenity or else I will just run back to him, or into the arms of someone just like him. I care for him and mourn the man he was and could be, but he won't get there without years of serious recovery and hard work, and I don't believe he will ever do that.
I'm grateful to have a place to speak about this topic without people freaking out.
Well, good. I'm not freaked out. I was concerned. As a person who was lucky to escape with my life, when I read what you wrote, the warrior woman in me stood at attention, sparkly sword and spear in each hand in an upright position, asking the questions I need to ask and sharing the support I need to extend. Thanks for giving us a little more of the facts about that situation. Glad you have outside help and a plan in place. I'm now at ease. Warrior woman returns to being a lady who once again has misplaced her reading glasses.
I didn't mean it like that! Just that it feels good to be able to speak honestly without needing to sugar-coat it. I don't feel afraid to be honest and I don't feel trapped and overwhelmed and that's a new thing for me. I appreciate the support and care and do you know, after your first reply I started making a mental checklist of the things I need to have at hand "just in case". When I read things like what I just wrote, it makes me realise that I am still, in many ways, deluding myself that I am "in control".
It is great that you know you have choices....I don't know if you have a sponsor or not, but having her phone number on speed dial is comforting. Keep working on you and caring for you, and you will know exactly what to do in a time of crisis. That was no demon, that was your soul screaming ENOUGH.
(((M))) Right here listening and understanding. Now have even misplaced where I put those women warrior weapons of mine. Could be placed right next to the torch I light when in the darkness of not knowing? You're doing so well. Glad you've found Al-Anon and are working it, too.
I hear lots of growth and wow it is amazing. I love this share and to hear you getting stronger and feeling worth it! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm in denial about my partner. I think I'm in control and he will never hurt me again......but you know what? He could and would if he got mad enough. My problem is I'm so scared to leave...to be ALONE even though I know in my heart I'm really alone now. He lives in one part of the house and I live in another. Nicey nicey Now that's living isn't it. I pray someday I will come out of denial with him as I have with my son.
I give myself tons of excuses why I can't just leave so maybe your going though some of what I'm going through. Sucks!
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I don't have a sponsor, lol I only found alanon 2 weeks ago and have done 1 f2f meeting.. I thought I'd started to make some friends in my town but this morning I got a text message from one basically saying "I want you to keep having my daughter after school on Wednesdays when I am at work but I don't want to socialise with you so I'm going to tell you I'm sick again and please just throw her at the car as I drive by at 6pm". Well it read something like that. Basically she wants me to mind her daughter each Wednesday but she doesn't want to get stuck talking to me afterwards. She's a very "why should I" person and on 2 occasions I've texted her to ask if our daughters rode to school together (my daughter swings by her place to ride with hers) and she has completely ignored me, and I already knew she was thinking "I'm not here to be her information service so I'll just ignore her texts". I like to know my daughter got to school safely, shoot me. On one occasion she invited me for dinner and then proceeded to tell me about another lady who cares for her child sometimes and how she feels obliged to be friendly even though it's a terrible chore and makes her roll her eyes a lot. So whatever. I get it. Not a friend. I must be cheerful because the arrangement makes my child happy. But it's not a friendship for me as I had hoped.
The gamer has barricaded his door because I didn't buy his crap last night and it's all I can do not to be hurt because I have had to have my room open and available to him every night for as long as I can remember. I shouldn't care and I don't want to go in there, but it hurts to know I've been shut out just because I am not willing to enable him or listen to his crap anymore. He's actually put furniture in front of his door. He's very angry as he lost a lot of money gambling last night and I cheerfully told him that I hoped he was succesful but that I didn't want to be involved in the process because I didn't want to be blamed if anything went wrong. What a joke that I thought I could escape blame. I went to bed when he started swearing and getting angry and next I knew, he was dragging furniture and muttering things about the place that they have apparently reserved for me in the underworld, where he hopes I will visit soon.
I feel very alone and very sad today.
I knew that things would get hard again and I would have to be tough but it seems to have happened suddenly.
I wish I could pack up and go to my mum's for the weekend but she leaves for her big European adventure tomorrow.
Oh crappy day.
Well done!!!!!!! Wow , how brave you are, looking square in the eyes of that bafoon of yours! And to continue to stand tall and not shrink in fear of being given the cold shoulder foe a few days. Boy, do I know that one. You said yiubfeel "released" what a wonderfull way to describe what you've done for yourself.
You write beautifully, and I can see the change in how you're feeling.
I edited my entire post above and I have no idea what happened.
I'm sorry you're feeling down today. Don't let it change the you've made.
Have you considered the woman whose daughter is friend with yours might have phobias or reasons herself that she does not want to be friends? I ask because there are many that consider me a flake. I always back out of lunches , dinners and get-togethers. Inoffend many people. It really is because I just don't have it in me. I want to be held up in my home with my girls or just home. My girls go out and-have a social life; I encourage it. I just cant
lol, well that was a fun day of laughing one minute and crying the next. It wasn't my fault, it was the full moon's fault, I swear!
Through the tears and awful feelings (it was like every poisonous thought and memory I've ever had decided to come to the surface at once) I was able to tell myself to ride it out and "turn it over" and somehow, I managed that pretty well
Today's a better day.
Thanks for all of the <3
