The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
I am in a point in my life where I need to practice much awareness of my thoughts and behaviours, because I feel that both are related.
Since my fathers second dui, I have been carrying around a lot of anger, resentment and bitteness. I am angry at him, I am resentful of those that dont have to deal with this and I am bitter over the fact that this disease has affected my life, my hope and my outcomes so deeply. I know I am supposed to detach and practice the steps and slogans, but that will come in time. I need to process this first.
In the past, I have had a tendency to take out these emotions in the form of sarcasm and snippy comments that can be very hurtful, and put down others. I am in a place where I dont feel very good about myself right now and am looking for something to make me feel better. Again, in the past I got that approval and affirmation through laughs. I was the funny guy. Unfortunately for me, being the funny guy also meant sometimes being a giant d!ck and putting down someone else that didnt deserve it.
I dont want to do that anymore. I need to maintain awareness and practice positive thoughts. I will share this out loud tonight at my meeting.
and I am bitter over the fact that this disease has affected my life, my hope and my outcomes so deeply. I know I am supposed to detach and practice the steps and slogans, but that will come in time.
I dont want to do that anymore. I need to maintain awareness and practice positive thoughts. I will share this out loud tonight at my meeting.
I can soooo relate...part of my step 4 resentments work covered how this disease on BOTH bio parents affected me so deeply.....yea, my whole life, my hope, my potential, my trust, my innocence... my everything was so impacted, that I have come to the point of "ok, I am WILLING to cast the burden of resentments onto my HP within me" so I can finally go free to feel peace and goodwill for me and for my world around me....and yea, it takes TIME.....used to be I thought "at my age, whats the use???" but I don't wanna leave this side carrying the baggage w/me into my next life...uh uh......I will strive to release me from this come h**l or high water.....your not alone
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha Jim...great post with lots of reminders for me; all good. You sound like you're in position for change and ready to do the next right thing which for what I hear is speak it out loud in your meeting and name it and then own it. For everyone and everything that got you to this point I say bravo!! Thanks for bringing your lesson here. ((((hugs))))
How appropriate that this share on awareness and the previous share on acceptance are neighbors. To me, they are two primary cornerstones of recovery, interconnected and interdependent.
I get it that parents are just people who are imperfect like me and everyone else... but it still hurts when it's your parent. My father knows I'm an alcoholic, yet will still come to my cabin and fill my fridge up with beer and leave it there stocked full for the weekend!!! Yes I know that's his alcoholism at work.
I could see any other person doing this... but for some reason, I get jerked when my parent doesn't care. Then on the other side of the coin - I get jerked when people are all touchy around me about alcohol and think they can't drink in front of me, or that I shouldn't go out to eat in a bar/restaurant. C'mon people - don't you get it??? But then I laugh because of course, NO! They don't get it, and I'm VERY glad they don't. I wouldn't want them to know a thing about it because that can only bring suffering with it. I tell myself that the suffering led me here to recovery so YAY for me! And it is and can be THAT GOOD - and SO worth it... however I need to keep that constant reminder in my back pocket - because even through lots of step work, adult child work and being at a place where my obsession for alcohol has been removed... I can still feel sorry for myself. That's why I keep coming back. I know that I'm robbing myself of a perfectly good and healthy moment, if I'm splashing around in the pity pot.
Anyway - It hurts when it's your parent. They are suppose to care enough about you to be good to themselves right? All the more reason to know they would never chose this - and that it truly is a disease that warps the mind. As a mother/alcoholic, the most painful part was wondering why I couldn't stop. Didn't I love my children enough? I felt like I did, but yet - I ALONE - could not promise anyone I would not drink again, and hold that promise. This disease made me believe I didn't love my own children!! There is no other that rips your heart out and makes you watch it turn to stone like a slave. There is no other (that I know of) that has such a beautiful and miraculous solution for treatment. So... it's my choice what I'm going to focus on - the only thing I can control is MY attitude. I have to have help sometimes... to see the good when things around me are looking bad.
Good thing for me, and especially for my kids, that it was my time to be sober when they were just little ones... and they don't have to be 35 like me, and still watching the disease kick their parents a**
There is so much honesty in your post - and you know YOUR 'disease' has very little hope to live when you're blasting it with that. So good on you! Thanks for the share - it's helped me today!
Since I have been in alanon, I have been made aware of the same behavior - armoring myself with humor and sometimes downright sarcasm to fend off the hurt that I did not know how to process. It takes so long to implement the new behaviors, but I too am keeping the thought in the forefront of every encounter that I have.
Good Luck tonight! Report back and let us know how it went!
Good done, Jim... at our meetings we can be who we are, more or less... have been through all of that myself, without the sense of humour! 
