The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a good chat with a member here on the board. What I came to realize is that even though I've been reading and now posting here for a while - I've never introduced myself. So Hi - I'm Natasha - I'm an alcoholic, adult child of an alcoholic, alanoner, and CODA 12 step worker. But here I will try to be just an alanon : )
I was given a reminder - that everything isn't always about me... but this will be lol.
I lived with an alcoholic for the first 17 years of my life. I wasn't drinking yet - but I was already an alcoholic without the drunk part. I had learned the whole act from my father, and my body was just waiting for the booze. When I did get some alcohol in me - it just amplified everything I already was.
I took on the world - and everything in it was about me, and was my fault. I tried to control things to make it stop. To make it right. To make it better. To make it how I thought it should be. As if I knew. I thought I knew better than anyone, and that the world was full of mistakes that needed my help! That's not a fun way to live.
I thought for sure that when my dad was in that dry drunk anger stage - it was ALL ABOUT ME. All my fault. I went to great lengths to change myself - thinking it would change him. I cleaned better. I cooked more elaborately. I took on more chores. I dressed nicer. I did more church activities. ANYTHING to be perfect - thinking it would make him happier. My mom had divorced him because he wouldn't quit drinking when I was 11. I chose to live with him - because I thought he NEEDED me. I thought I was so important to his well being. I took it all on. I took care of him... and forgot about myself. Forgot about being a kid too. Alcoholism robbed me of that, and later - it robbed me of my sanity as the physical allergy kicked in and the obsession for more took me away from myself.
I had all my mom's alanon characteristics finely tuned - and all his alcoholic characteristics to fall back on when those didn't work. It was a mess. Doubly blessed? I hate when people say that.
Hate isn't something I can live with these days. Resentment doesn't work for me. Facing whatever my fears are and moving on to a place of acceptance is the answer to my problems today. Turning to my HP for help, guidance and faith that HE has things laid out as they are supposed to be... that He loves me, mistakes and all... and loves you too... and doesn't make junk... has been where I have found peace. Here, and with a HP, I get to know that I will be okay no matter what... and have faith that I'm loved through it all. I get to have that faith because of this program and others... and the steps for each.
There is something strange in being a mutt of my type. But I am grateful for all of it. It's brought me here to recovery, and I think something wonderful is in store. My husband is in alanon too. He is actually *technically* an adult grandchild of an alcoholic. He was raised by a very sick untreated adult child of an alcoholic, and has all the characteristics to make him a perfect match for me... equally as sick as each other... but now... growing together and becoming equally as spiritually fit and healthy as each other, with some bumps and trials... but there is so much love.
I have come here to this program not only to deal with my father who is still an active alcoholic, but to sometimes come to terms with letting go of my husbands sickness - and feelings around controlling. To get help letting him work his own program, and staying focused on mine. We sometimes work it together - we do open speaker meetings together for adult child - alanon and AA. We attend CODA meetings and step/tradition meetings, but we each do our own thing for the most part. It has it's trials and pleasures.... mostly the later. We have each discovered that we are not each other's HP - and that has been thanks to Alanon mostly. Our children are happier - we are individuals living in support of one another - and it's a good thing.
Hi Natasha and welcome to MIP! Thank you for your introduction and share and I can relate to having a similar childhood to an ill parent. "Facing fears and moving to a place of acceptance... " ... and, for me, so much practice along the way! I'm glad you're here.
I find acceptance to be one of the more important tools available to me in this program. It's also dang hard to practice, but continuous reminders sure are helpful. Thanks for that.
I find acceptance to be one of the more important tools available to me in this program. It's also dang hard to practice, but continuous reminders sure are helpful. Thanks for that.
OMG...my sponsor told me that all the time...."what we resist persists" so true....and acceptance is soo hard for me, but I know I gotta do it.....
Thank you, Tasha for the share...I can relate...I am a "multi" too.....coda, alanon, acoa....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Glad you shared all this. The other time you were "venting" I totally misread and didn't understand. I honestly thought you were coming to an alanon board to complain about someone having traits common to folks who are in alanon. Traits that didn't all develop because of you but ones that interacted for sure. It seemed like criticism of a struggling alanoner on an alanon board. I didn't get it. Now I see what leaping to conclusions gets me. Hearing it all phrased this way makes perfect sense. Lesson for me is to shut up when I'm not getting the whole picture.
Hey Tasha, I read your whole post, taking in what you said and this was a great share....very nicely put....I liked how you and hubby re: recovery are together, but apart when needed.....Nice work )
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP, Tasha. So glad you have found your way here. I, too, am a "grandchild" of two alcoholics, raised by (untreated) children of alcoholics. Until I found the rooms of Al Anon because of my daughters drinking, I thought my parents were just super strict and a bit controlling.
Thank you for a beautiful share, welcome again and come back soon!
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